FUCK THAT!! We’re not alone II

•May 6, 2012 • 18 Comments

We are not alone in what I and those that have commented on this blog feel and go through. Husbands and Wives both want to be sexually attracted to their mate and want their mate to be attracted to them. A lot of us have stayed by our mates side and tried to work with them over the years. We’ve put in the time, we’ve gone through the depression thinking we are the ones with the issue, yet when you look hard enough most of the time it isn’t us that needs to be fixed or has something from their past. Yet, we still stick by them, we love them. Deep down inside I think they understand and know this. Yet, the self image, self esteem, ex-boyfriends and anything else that they carry with them daily that has shaped them into the person they are is what we deal with.

In a recent comment by a 58 year old man who does love his wife but after 38 years feels that the only way to ease his pain is to commit suicide. I have to admit I felt hugely honored that my blog gave this man a platform to speak up about the way he was feeling, and a responsibility to say something. I say FUCK THAT! You can read his posting and my comment back. In short, I feel and this is just my opinion and nothing more. You have to work your way out of it. It by no means is saying you no longer love the other person. It’s saying you’ve tried everything you could to make things better. At that point you can feel better about yourself. You’re not the one with the issue and that YOU CAN’T CHANGE THEM!

Suicide is NOT the answer. Think about it. This other person who has the issues, has gotten you down so low to the point where you want to end it? HUH how does that make sense? really? You would be gone, yet they continue to stick around. In my case it’s frustrating yes, but not intolerable. for now I deal with it and look for the little wins when they do happen. Yet, not seeing a sunset, sunrise, the grass turn green after winter and much much more is not an option. The world has to much to offer all of us. We just need to take it by the “balls” and go for it. Stop living your life for the other person. You need to make YOU HAPPY and not look for that to come from the other person. Of course this works if there are no little ones, but even if there are. You have something you always wanted to do? Go Skydiving, why haven’t you done it? What excuses do you make for yourself to not to? You want to feel sexy or wanted by the opposite sex, flirt. Why not, who’s getting hurt from some innocent flirting? If you decide to take it further then thats on you. But flirting can be a smile from someone making you feel good about yourself and nothing more. I’m not advocating going out and sleeping with 50 people, not taking care of the house, work etc. What I’m saying is that you need to live for yourself if your mate/spouse doesnt want to engage with you. You can’t force them. You want them to be there more then anything but if it doesnt happen, enjoy yourself.

Don’t give up on yourself and the things life and living has to offer.

FUCK THAT!!

We’re not alone

•April 19, 2012 • 17 Comments

When I first set out in writing this blog it was my way of dealing with the frustration I was feeling with my wife. My feelings as if there was something wring with me. I feel that by me discussing this and the comments that I get back that in some way I’m letting others know that they aren’t alone. That other people are going through the same thing. Just knowing that doesn’t make the situation go away or get better but it does make us feel that it can’t just be all our fault. See, I’ve come to understand that the other party in the relationship places the blame or fault on us. Why? It’s hard, damn hard to look at yourself and admit that you have issues. That it’s not your husband that loves and wants to make love to you that has the issues but it’s you.

So, for those that come to my blog and feel a connection, take solace knowing that you are not alone and in most cases the problems in the relationship are not ones you can fix.

A Laundry List of Pain

•March 14, 2012 • 9 Comments

My wifes list of pain and heartache,

  • Depression
  • Bad Self Image
  • No Sex Drive
  • Fibromyalgia
  • Hypoglycemia
  • (PTSD) Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from the molestation at the hands of her father
  • (PTSD) Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from feeling that her mother did nothing to protect and prosecute the father when the mother was told
  • Feelings of guilt
  • Being the victim from her father, boyfriends and even me when I want sex and she just gives in.

This is just off the top of my head the stuff I deal with daily in one aspect or another. In one way or another they all feed off of each other. They all started from the molestation from her father. While some have said that I’ve decided to sentence myself to this life and looking at it they’re right. Yet, knowing where this issues come from helps me deal with it. I understand she is who she is due to the things that happened to her. I couldnt live with myself just giving up. I would truly feel horrible. After talking to a therapist he told me he was amazed. That I had a huge amount of integrity. I’ve seen a different person in my wife only a few times in the past 14 years. She is loving, caring and seems to love life. Because I know this person is in there I keep hope that someday she’ll emerge. How long am I willing to wait you ask? I dont know really. Ask me that when my kids are old enough to be on their own. My feelings might have changed by then. By then I’ll be in my mid 50’s and well might as say fuck it by then and just stay the course.

I’ll keep wanting my wife to think of sex with her husband, to want to wear stockings for me because she knows it would make me happy. I know that wont happen but I can always keep the hope. If not, then well. The internet is a wonderful thing and there are plenty of fantasies I can have.

Time Stands Still

•March 9, 2012 • 17 Comments

I’m glad to see that my blog after all of this time still resonates with people. If anything they feel they aren’t alone, and your not. Thing with my wife haven’t changed. I still masturbate daily, I wont get my feelings hurt or rejected by my hand. Last Saturday I wanted to make love to my wife in the morning. I started fiddling with her, I got naked, pulled down her panties all the while she isnt saying anything. I pushed myself up against her butt, fully erect I slid myself not into her but was rubbing against her. Now as you might imagine your level of wanting sex is through the roof at this point. Your within centimeters from penetration. She very well knew what I wanted. I was then promptly shot down. Made to feel that if I continued I would be taking advantage of her almost against her will. She would give in, but I would have felt as if I had raped her. Needless to say this caused me to back off, frustrated and very pissed off. Who wouldn’t be right. What if this turned around on a woman who wanted sex. She might feel the same way. I mentioned that I was upset, she said she wasn’t feeling well. This to is a common statement, one that leads me to think that my wife has no immune system and catches everything under the sun. I expressed how she had lead me on, allowed my hope and urge to build only to smash it. That it was cruel. I was then told that she would be willing to just before she took a shower. Ok, a compromise I see. I was also suckered into doing some “acts of service” one of “her” love languages. More on that in a second. The day passes by, I do my chores. She is about to take a shower. I follow her upstairs thinking I’m going to continue where things left off. What do you think happened?……..

The 2nd of the days lets down happened. After I had done what was asked of me I was refused, yes what I feel at this point was owed to me. Sex from my wife. I know it sounds wrong but that’s how I looked at it. If I did XY and Z I would get paid. She came back with it felt like a chore for her, Uhhh I just completed a bunch of chores for her whats the difference? Needless to say there was a mini fight with me expressing my distrust, her leading me on to get what she wanted and then not paying up at the end, something she said she would do.

So, has anything happened since then. NOPE!  She said she hates her body but yet she will buy a cake and eat the entire thing in a week. I’m starting to feel that I have imposed on myself a life of sexual torment with brief moments of excitement either it be sexual or something else. We have young kids and I would be unwilling to quit while they’re at home. Ask me 15 years from now and I might have a different answer or mistress.

It’s been a long time…

•October 23, 2011 • 5 Comments

I has been a very long time since I posted here. The real reason is that I no longer feel the need to vent. For some of you guys that are going through the same things, yes it’s very frustrating. I cant tell you what to do. I can tell you that in most cases as in mine the issue really isnt with me. I had to learn to stop beating myself up, for feeling like I was a horrible lover for not being able to turn my wife on. What I’ve noticed over the years is that the issues with our partners are deep rooted from the past. We love them so we want to try and fix the issue, take the pain away. At the same time there are needs that we have and get frustrated when that hunger isnt being met. i’ve come to the resolve that no matter how much I talk to my wife about what I want. Things wont change. Do I wish that my wife acted liked a girlfriend in the past where I knew exactly what it would take to turn her on and when I did she was ready to go. Sure, I’m I going to get it? No, and I’ve decided to live with that. It’s so easy for people to get rid of the other partner that isnt doing what they would like or want. I made a choice when I said those words that no matter how hard things got I would still stick it out. Honestly I think most guys would do the same.

Is it nice when someone else flirts with you? Sure it is. It makes you realize that it isn’t you that is the problem. It boosts your ego. At the same time you realize that in the long run you would just be trading one womans issues for another. You wouldn’t be gaining that sex vixen you so longed within your lover. If you do find her, then you may want to look behind her and everything else she is bringing along.

I’m glad that after so long this blog still gives some solace to men knowing that they aren’t alone. That you have a voice and how I deal with the situation. So, keep the comments coming, there is someone out there to read them and for you to understand your not alone.

 

FH

Update

•December 19, 2010 • 12 Comments

I know it’s been some time since my last update and the reason for that is, not that much has changed I’ve just gotten over being upset. As someone just commented on another post of mine. After so much time goes by you just kinda give up. You want things to be different but have come to the resolve that no matter how hard you try and make things different this is how they are going to be. Some would get a divorce, others cheat to find what they need. Then there are those of us that just hang out. I guess you could say we really love the women in our lives despite not getting what we want from them. Is this settling? I don’t know. I can think of girl friends past and wish my wife would be more like them sexually. I got damaged goods and while that isnt her fault it’s the choice I’ve made to stick with her good or bad. So, here I am and here I’ll be. Either until she changes or the sexual hunger that I have finally goes away.

Rubbing One Out and Being Bored

•August 23, 2010 • 3 Comments

Have you ever gotten tired of playing with yourself? You just get to a point where you’ve done it so much that your bored of yourself, LOL. Following up on my last post it seems if if my wife is in the “I’m not in the mood phase”.

Insanity – Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

So, what do you do? Change hands? Look at something different?