An update to nothing new…

I haven’t updated in a very long time. I’ve been trying to figure things out. I do love my wife with all my heart but having kids makes me feel trapped sometimes. Our sons are young and both her and I went through divorces. Something I never wanted to put my kids through. Some time back I gave up being frustrated. It got me no where. I came to the realization that it wasn’t me. That it didn’t matter what I did there was no “making” my wife happy. She has to want to be happy and stop keeping herself as the victim for what her father and others did to her.

I’ve come to see that my wife has no empathy at all. She literally can’t put her self in someone else’s place and understand what they might be feeling. My wife went cold turkey on taking her Cymbalta. Something you’re not supposed to do at all. It was rough going through it but now there is nothing there to dull her from everyday things. Things that anyone else could allow to not bother them but is the end of the world to her, thus making it an issue for me. My wife doesn’t want to confront things. She likes to turn and run or hide. Thinking that whatever it is will go away. This mechanism comes from her dealing with her molestation issues from her father. She deals with them by not dealing with them.

One of my biggest fears on a daily basis is for our sons who she is homeschooling and around 24/7. She is showing them how someone deals with situations and in most cases it isn’t well. I interject myself as much as possible to counter act what they’ve seen. My wife needs to sit and talk to someone but she refuses. She looked at me and said “if I were to go I would tell them what they want to hear.” “Then again, I wouldn’t go because it would feel like you were commanding me to go.” There was a tone of defiance in her voice when she said this. She said SHE needs to look at herself and say to herself that she needs to go get help. I know this will never happen as it will cause her to look inwards and she’s said she doesn’t like what she sees there. That she doesn’t like the person who is on the inside. When in the heat of a discussion she’ll mention that “YOU” called her broken and that she needs fixing. When in reality I have never uttered the words. But, it’s how she feels about herself.

Sex, yeah. It’s the same and it wont change. She sometimes just rolls over and gives it up. I offer toys, to do things to her first. To ONLY do things to pleasure her and nothing for me and that doesn’t change the situation. I’ve come to realize that I’ll never get the person I want in the bedroom. The sex has become stale, boring and predicable. Yet, when I ask her to help me, to give me some instruction on what she might like. I do that the next day and she says it wont work. WTF?!! This is exactly what you told me the night before of what WOULD work. See how this can get confusing?

The hard part is that I know she was MADE this way due to the events she went through. I just can’t give up on her as it wasn’t her fault but she needs to learn on how to move past those events and look toward the future.


~ by Frustrated Hubby on October 22, 2013.

2 Responses to “An update to nothing new…”

  1. Jayde,
    Thank you for your comment. Yes, it did start out as ramblings as I have a tendency to do. I’m glad that something I said “clicked” in one way or another with you. I started this blog to post about my feelings about the situation with my wife and have found it to help others in knowing their not alone or that they feel the same way. Now, for me to check out yours.

  2. Can I be utterly frank?
    I went through a hellish childhood, rape, molested, mulilated and more. I read this article on letting go in pursuit of true happiness. The entire article was of course a cliche of ramblings until it got to one part, “You will never truly be happy until you stop playing the victim. Your need to stay victimized, blame, and sulk in your misery is the source of your own unhappiness. The past is past tense, so get over it and move on. You are creating an abyss to your own misfortune. No one else!”
    I reread that line over and over, at first thinking “WTF how can someone be so insensitive?!?!” then coming to realize this person is F’n right! I stop playing victim, stop reliving the past, and thus, STOP stepping in dog shit that I already knew was there from the start.
    You are not a saviour, you are not a hero, you are a human with basic needs.
    Both my husband and I divorced our previous ex(es) due to lack of sexual intimacy.
    Don’t take this the wrong way, My ex was a paraplegic that wallowed in his own self pity and never wanted to leave his abyss.
    My husband’s ex is a narcissist. NPDs, they are the worst of worst. If Satan was married to a NPD, he’d convert to Christianity.
    He has four kids with her and although the divorce has taken its toll on them and him, for being ages 4-12 they are well aware their father is truly happy. Your happiness is how and what will shape your children’s future. Think about it, then think again, and again.

    X Jayde Ox

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