Life, Ughhh

The Sex
So, I thought things had changed even for the little bit but alas nope. I climbed into bed the other night and simply looked at my wife and stated, “so, how about we make mad passionate love to each other?” I was then told “wow, that was romantic. Why didn’t you just come over and start kissing me and see where that got you?” I’ve done this before only to get excited and then shot down. Sometimes it feels like she likes to see me get super horny and then blow it up. Just to have me come crashing down. I attribute this to a power issue. When she was molested by her father she felt over-powered. I could see this as a way of her not consciously but unconsciously that she’s in control. I’ve spoken to counselors and they have agreed with me in the past. So I know I’m not to far off the mark. I could quickly see this situation going down hill, I grabbed the back of her head and with a hand full of hair proceeded to just kiss her passionately. This lead into a great love making session and all was well. Fast forward to the other night, I tried the same thing per her request and I get a limp fish. I ask whats wrong and she says that she’s just not in the mood. Mind you a week had gone by since the previous session. My wife has no “ON” switch. Most women I had been with had something that they loved and would get them turned on. I do what my wife asks and it works once, then fails the very next time. This is hard for me to grasp as I don’t know what will or wont work. Hence my just asking sometimes. At least I know what I’m stepping into. Otherwise it’s like stepping into a mind field blindfolded.

Launching¬† tech startup hasn’t been easy. I still work a full-time 40 hour a week position so I can continue to pay the bills. My startup now has 5 of us that all feel that it’s going to make it or at least give it a go. My 7yr old son came up to me the other day and said that I spend to much time in the office and if I could come out and spend time with him and his brother. This made me feel horrible. So I instantly got up and went to play. While it was great to be with them I felt that I was also not moving forward with the startup.

I’m not bitching but here are some of the things I deal with:

  • Husband to a wife that has emotional issues stemming from sexual abuse at the hands of her father over 5+ years.
  • Daddy to 3 great kids. 15 year old girl who lives with a controlling, untrusting mother. Oh, I happen to now have to pay her $1026 a month until my daughter is 25. our 2 boys 7 and 4. I also have a 14 year old son that I’ve never met, yet calls me dad when I speak to him on the phone, that’s weird.
  • My parents have now moved in with us. I like them being here. I have someone that I can vent to if needed.
  • A wife that flat out refuses to go back to work and will come up with any excuse on the planet as to why not to.
  • I’m launching a tech startup. There’s a bunch of stuff with that. One thing is the lack of time that I really need to devote to it.
  • I pay for everything. I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. My wife doesnt seem to understand that at all. I can’t get sick, I can’t take time off, I just have to deal with things as they come up and roll with it.
  • My limited edition car just took some major engine damage to the point where I’m going to have to rebuild the engine to the tune of roughly $8000 US. We’re now down to one car.
  • The house that we had built in late 2003 had mold and Chinese drywall issues that almost killed our son. We left and now 3 years later I owe over $300,000 on a worthless house that new, was half that.
  • I’m worried daily that something could happen with my position that could allow all of the above to come crashing down as we live pay check to pay check. This is why I would love for my wife to help add a safety net in case something happens.

Whew! That’s a lot of crap that I deal with on a daily basis. You know, looking at the above. It’s sad that there’s no time in there for me. That’s whats new and whats been keeping me busy as you can see. I guess I have to wrap up this posting by saying that whatever you are doing in life. Don’t bury your head. It wont change anything. We just have to deal with it and move on.



~ by Frustrated Hubby on October 30, 2012.

8 Responses to “Life, Ughhh”

  1. So what’s happened? not seen anything on here for ages

  2. wow, it’s feels to good to know that their are other frustrated spouses of sexual abuse survivors out there. My wife was molested by her uncle and was raised in a super emotionally abusive family to boot so she shut down emotionally way early in life. It took five years of marriage for her to love to cuddle, but by this time I was already turning off emotionally to her. It’s been 8 years now and still no spark. Anywho, I know you got your own issues, but you are not alone and apparently neither am i :)

  3. I could be your wife. I found your site because I googled “frustrated with husband”. You asked in another post what would rev me up? Make love to my mind. Find a way to turn off all the voices in my head telling me “don’t forget it’s trash night and remember the check for dance class and OH MY GOD – did I feed the dog today . . .and shit, there’s a load of laundry in the washer”

    For me, it’s totally cliche: music, candles, taking (but no dirty talk before its time) don’t just say “you’re pretty”. Even if I’m fat, find something that isn’t sexy, doesn’t turn you on, just is beauty. The color of your eyes is like wet pavement after a storm.

    When sex becomes the elephant in the room I am always feeling like I’m letting you down, I wonder why bother, you’ll never be happy.

    DONT buy me lingerie (at least not while sex is an issue) – that’s to turn you on (NOT ME) and make me look like someone else – makes me feel like you need me to do a show for you or something and makes it worse.

    Send me to a hotel for a night by myself so I can get some rest – not so that I will be up for sex, but so that I will be a happier person. Talk to me about why I’m depressed or why I hurt. Ask about my doctor’s appointments. Don’t touch my “parts” unless invited – touch my neck gently, kiss my hair – but DON’T go for the gold until I move your hand there. If you do something nice for me just to get sex, it doesn’t really count. It’s like a kid saying sorry just because their mom told them to . . .

    Ask her to write her own blog about why she’s unhappy with you. Make a plan that she will try to be more sexual for you and you will try to be less sexual for her . . .

  4. That is a lot to deal with but keep hanging on though there is light at the end of the tunnel, everything is cyclical.

  5. Been a while since I checked in here. I’m sorry to hear things are still more of the same. My life has also been more of the same, but I finally decided it was time to step up and take control of where my life was going instead of just being a passenger. I realized for me the problems in my marriage ran much deeper than the sex. Of course the sex is a major issue since physical intimacy is an important part of how I receive love, but there was a lot more going on, and those problems had always been there along side the sex issues. I know my chosen path for dealing with things is not going to work for everyone, but I can honestly say having a new direction, on a new path for myself feels great. It won’t be an easy road to travel, but I’m sure it’s the correct road to be on.

  6. I have to say I was a bit surprised to see this entry after reading the ‘counseling’ post. How do you hang in there? You get to counseling, she says she understands and will make changes, does it for a while then reverts back.
    This is what I don’t get about women. How do they justify this. Why not be honest and say you can’t be arsed, that way no-one gets disappointed. They have memories like bloody elephants so they can’t say they forgot. And why is it always OUR fault? Why do we have to make romantic gestures and not them? I thought the modern woman was liberated and equal? Apparently only when it suits them.
    They know, I reckon, that all the so-called romantic things they say we should do for them are just too much trouble and that’s why they won’t do them for us!
    I made the mistake of going on andshelaughs blog after her comment above. Came away with the feeling I should find a blade and do my wrists!
    Don’t mean to be insulting but if you look at my posts on ‘Fuck That’ you’ll understand.
    Anyway, you hang in there Buddy. Your lady doesn’t know how lucky she is to have you around. Hopoefully she’ll realise before its too late.

  7. Life’s a complete bitch sometimes and sometimes there doesn’t seem to be light at the end of that tunnel. Still, there are little victories that you have to enjoy when you can (and remember them when you can’t). As my wife would say, “don’t forget all the shit I get to deal with on a daily basis”, kids, cleaning, etc etc. “at least the progress made on Monday is visible on tuesday for you!”.

    Still, I hear you, I know your pain. At least your wife hasn’t purchased another home for rental and have been running a negative $800 a month while it’s being renovated, and no I can’t afford that (not prize for who’s doing most the work!) and she takes 2 months to get around to ordering a kitchen (once ordered it was fitted within a week, start to finish)! Arggg!!

    Im running 8 months since I last ‘got some’ and probably been *really* kiss twice in that period, but man all this diversionary exercise is getting my body inshape which may come in useful some day. ;)

  8. Love your blog! Thanks for sharing and helping the rest of us feel ‘normal’. I hope your venting helps! Keep writing!

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