FUCK THAT!! We’re not alone II

We are not alone in what I and those that have commented on this blog feel and go through. Husbands and Wives both want to be sexually attracted to their mate and want their mate to be attracted to them. A lot of us have stayed by our mates side and tried to work with them over the years. We’ve put in the time, we’ve gone through the depression thinking we are the ones with the issue, yet when you look hard enough most of the time it isn’t us that needs to be fixed or has something from their past. Yet, we still stick by them, we love them. Deep down inside I think they understand and know this. Yet, the self image, self esteem, ex-boyfriends and anything else that they carry with them daily that has shaped them into the person they are is what we deal with.

In a recent comment by a 58 year old man who does love his wife but after 38 years feels that the only way to ease his pain is to commit suicide. I have to admit I felt hugely honored that my blog gave this man a platform to speak up about the way he was feeling, and a responsibility to say something. I say FUCK THAT! You can read his posting and my comment back. In short, I feel and this is just my opinion and nothing more. You have to work your way out of it. It by no means is saying you no longer love the other person. It’s saying you’ve tried everything you could to make things better. At that point you can feel better about yourself. You’re not the one with the issue and that YOU CAN’T CHANGE THEM!

Suicide is NOT the answer. Think about it. This other person who has the issues, has gotten you down so low to the point where you want to end it? HUH how does that make sense? really? You would be gone, yet they continue to stick around. In my case it’s frustrating yes, but not intolerable. for now I deal with it and look for the little wins when they do happen. Yet, not seeing a sunset, sunrise, the grass turn green after winter and much much more is not an option. The world has to much to offer all of us. We just need to take it by the “balls” and go for it. Stop living your life for the other person. You need to make YOU HAPPY and not look for that to come from the other person. Of course this works if there are no little ones, but even if there are. You have something you always wanted to do? Go Skydiving, why haven’t you done it? What excuses do you make for yourself to not to? You want to feel sexy or wanted by the opposite sex, flirt. Why not, who’s getting hurt from some innocent flirting? If you decide to take it further then thats on you. But flirting can be a smile from someone making you feel good about yourself and nothing more. I’m not advocating going out and sleeping with 50 people, not taking care of the house, work etc. What I’m saying is that you need to live for yourself if your mate/spouse doesnt want to engage with you. You can’t force them. You want them to be there more then anything but if it doesnt happen, enjoy yourself.

Don’t give up on yourself and the things life and living has to offer.



~ by Frustrated Hubby on May 6, 2012.

18 Responses to “FUCK THAT!! We’re not alone II”

  1. IPhone makes typing difficult! It is 26.7 years of marriage. My husband not wanting me for a very very long time and claiming impotency! I have suffered like many of you men have from your wives! With me, I yearned for sex, for love, affection and bonding. He wanted none of it. I suffered for so long. I found condoms in his possession and recently caught him with a prostitute in Big Bear! Can you imagine my reaction? The hurt the betrayal the absolute heart wrenching ache in my soul? All these many years of no physical closeness because he claimed erectile dysfunction and frustration when all the while he was patronizing prostitutes!! I loved him so much!!! We are now in a bitter contested divorce by his doing. I just want to extricate him from my life and move on. I am 53 years old and it is too late to find another lifetime partner. I have to accept that I will be alone for the rest of my days!! Funny how I was truly alone married to him in a sexless affectionate less relationship and chose to endure it for so long because I thought he too was going without sex, without physical closeness. I don’t think I will ever heal from the pain and betrayal. I loved him so much!!!!!

    • Lola, So sorry to read your post. Don’t give up though, 53’s nothing these days. If you want a sex life or relationship or both they’re out there just waiting for you, I’m sure. You’ll have to disregard some of the emotions you’re feeling and just ‘go for it’ but it will be worth it. If you’re like me and don’t want to be alone for tyhe rest of your days that’s what it will take. Trust will be more difficult. I’ve learnt that you shouldn’t compromise with what you want either. If there’s any aspect of the relationship you aren’t hasppy with I’d move on, it’s too tempting to put up with stuff and end up where we are now.
      Good luck, I hope you see this! John

  2. After 26.7 months of marriage, I could no longer tolerate the sexless by marriage! My husband, dot so many years, claimed impotence. Recently, I discovered he has been having sex all along –while I was going without–with prostitutes!!! He has been living a double life all these years! He was never impotent, his libido was string and healthy!! Can you imagine how I felt so betrayed? I file for divorce in April. He is fighting me in every issue and I just want to lick my wounds and move on. He hurt so much to the point that the pain is so indescribable so immense and without form!!!

  3. John,

    Glad to hear that you’ve made some choices and are moving forward. You need to do whats best for you and stay sane. You have no idea on how it makes me feel that this little blog I started years ago has given someone an outlet to vent and discuss what your feeling.

    • Thanks for that. Although not a lot ahs changed in my head I.m in a better place at the moment. The blog really helps and I’m not sure how much you realise the power it has. Keep it going please! I will let you know how things are going from time to time and I’ll keeping reading other’s posts. Good work, Sir!

  4. John: I am a woman and I never respond to blogs or anything like this but reading your posts really made me feel so sad for you. What your wife is doing to you is emotionally abusive. She sounds like a “tease.” What concerns me is your emotional state — There are a lot of women out there that would treat you like a man and give you love that you deserve. If you let her keep going on like this, though, it might be hard for you to be with another woman. More to the point — she knows EXACTLY what she it doing and in my opinion it is probably one of the worst things a woman can do to a man. Perhaps she is trying to drive you away — so she can blame you? Women know how to strike at the heart of man and kill him dead. This is the opposite of love, John.

    If it were me — I would leave her — seriously — life is too short.

    I would also be strategic about it. Plan your escape, heal yourself, find a good woman and leave.

    I won’t be visiting this site again: I hope that you find a woman that will treat you with love. Look for someone compatible. Be smart and don’t rebound to another woman like the one you are with now.



    • Thank you, Mumof2 for those kind words. Hopefully you will have returned to this site and will see this. fingers crossed!
      Yesterday I was ‘discharged’ from treatment for depression etc. Basically I was give a box of spanners which with hopefully I can keep this old wreck on the road. I am emotionally in a slightly better place than a year ago. I now have to make all I’ve learnt stick and work. I’m still at home.
      You are right about her being a ‘tease’. Many years ago she openly admitted to being a ‘prick-teaser’ but I used to enjoy the chase and the end results which was, 95% of the time, sex, experimentation and bonding. We were, so to say, as one in our life beliefs, outlook and drives. I don’t know when it stopped. I don’t know when the Teasing stopped and the abuse started. Up until recently I thought it was all my own fault.Now I know different. Some of it is but not the majority of it.
      Recently I have come to the conclusion that no women like sex. They don’t understand it. they have a confused idea of what it means to us men and little understanding of the hormones that make us like we are and the effects these things have on our daily lives. There isn’t anoter species as mismatched as us on the planet! I’ve yet to meet an honest woman who ‘admits’ she likes it for what it is. To them its merely a means to get what they want. Are they being unfair to themselves and their bodies? Obviously I don’t underrstand them!
      So, she’s still withholding. I’m still lacking the confidence to beg for sex or rejection, depending on how you look at it. I stiil think I’d be better off dead but will now wait for the natural thing, heart attack etc, because I don’t think there are any other women out there who would want me, in all honesty. At 58 do I have the time left to build a new relationship? What if history repeats itself? How do I ensure it doesn’t happen again?
      I still hope, probably foolishly, that we can fix this. If not for our sake but for the wider family. If I leave I could lose them and that’s not a risk I’m prepared to take. 37 years invested in this!
      So to that end I’m looking at buying in the services I need. Paying for it is a business transaction so I don’t feel obligated to the woman who provides it. In my book its not cheating. I can then do as frustrated Hubby says in a previous post and exist in the marriage for as long as it takes, not allowing her to have the power.
      Or, of course, she could always come round to the realisation that I’m serious about this and if she’s really committed to us she’ll stop refusing/playing power games and enjoy all the love I want to give her, even now. She doesn’t realise how much MORE power she’d have if I was getting it from a warm,wet,willing partner!
      Anyway, post too long again! glad to see it’s back on again. John.

  5. Yes, again you’re making a lot of sense. Trouble is, emotion isn’t about common sense is it? The counselling will take some time. Too much damage from over 40 years to deal with and not just marriage related. I’ve been trampled on by the women in my family too. (See a trend emerging here!). I’m not expecting my therapist to advise me, I know I have to work it out. My problem is that at 58 can I really be arsed? I have good days and bad so I try to put stuff off on the bad ones so I’m more positive when I get down to it.
    The problem is, as I see it, I’m with the one I want. Trouble is she doesn’t want me. That’s why I haven’t asked the divorce question, I’m pretty certain I know the answer would be a resounding yes. But I don’t want to be room mates, as you said about your situation.
    If I’m wrong then you are right about empowering her, she has all the control.
    I hang on to the hope that I will beat the depression thing and then I’ll be able to deal with this effectively.
    To cap it all my therapist told me last week that having sex helps cure depression especially wiothin the framework of a loving relationship! She, (the wife) say’s that’s all bollocks! Suspect I know why!

  6. John,
    I’ve been giving your recent posting thought again. I even asked my wife about the situation that came up s it’s happened to me exactly. Yet, and don’t take this harshly but from one bloke to another, you acted like a pussy about it.

    Your wife has issues she uses sex or the lack there of as a form of control. She’s hurting deep inside and misery loves company. She knows that you love her, she knows that you want her. By withholding sex, or saying yes, then to only retract the offer later is a form of control. My wife has done this from time to time. It pisses me off to no end and I let her know it. I let her know that isn’t fair. That while she can decide later on not to. My wife has gone as far as me spooning her with a rock hard hard on millimeters away from entering her and shes said no. I do get upset, she knows it and I’ll mention that ok. No problem. I’ll go down stairs and finish up on my own.

    John, I do really sympathize with you so much you have no idea. I’ve been there. Yet, you have to realize YOU can make a choice. To let yourself get beat-up emotionally or say fuck that and change. There are times I know my wife doesn’t want to. I’ll keep pushing and she’ll give in. It’s happened that during she even got into it and wanted me to go grab the battery operated toys, ok with me.

    john, you wife HAS to know you have feelings. She HAS to know that you can hurt. she HAS to know that while you can hurt, you’re not going to give her the power to do the hurting, not any more!

    Stand up for yourself John. You owe it to yourself. If I was your mate I would constantly be kicking you in the arse.

    I decided a long time ago with my wife that while I might want sex from her all the time and sometimes it does still hurt when I get rejected. I learned to let it roll off my back. Not being passive or a pussy about it but not giving her the satisfaction that she’s hurt me. Not anymore. John, take control of your life and who you are as a man. Those balls hanging between your legs are not just there to produce sperm. They do define you as a man just as much as a vag and breasts to a woman. Don’t go overboard but don’t be a pussy about it either.

    (Also, I know your in the UK so hopefully I used some English slang terms correctly.)

    • Thanks again for taking the time to look through this.
      If, as you say, I’ve acted like a pussy about this the only defence/excuse/reason I can offer is that after so many years you get to a point that it’s the least damage option to walk away and hide everything. I’m currently undergoing counselling for depression and my therapist says that when you get rejection most people can cope with it if it’s around 50% successful or failure. If it becomes the situation that rejection is higher this is when it becomes a problem and causes damage. We worked out that my rejection rate over 35 years is 92%! According to him my current state is unsurprising. Of course this is alll excuses depending on your standpoint.
      As for being a man about it I’ve always had a strong belief in equality between men and women. That, to me means, if they are sexual beings they have needs same as we do. Apparently not. Equality in this isn’t equal. They ask for sex and it’s romantic, we ask for sex and we’re perverts!
      She uses toys when I’m not around and, I suspect, often. Quick, easy effective, and no need to worry about satisfying anyone else.
      In one of my earlier posts I said that after 37 years it ain’t gonna change, well, seems to me I was right.
      One of the reasons I haven’t told her about this blog is that I think her reaction would be to chuck me out. She thinks it’s between us and no-one else should be a party to it but we haven’t ever got close to working it out. I find it difficult to beleive she loves me at all, she just doesnt want to be alone. Maybe she’s right but I doubt it. She would see it as me being dis-loyal to her.
      I started the counselling because I couldn’t stand getting up in the morning dreading every day, feeling unloved etc etc. It was either that or fast bike or car into the front of an appraoching truck. Selfish. So I’m trying but there is a lot of debris to get through. At present I feel like I’m looking out over a high cliff from a chair right at the edge but thart’s better than last week because I was standing on the edge trying to jump. All very dramatic!
      Now I stand up to her to let her know I’m not happy about something but still end up losing. She knows I’m hurting right enough. But she still does it, only more determined. I can’t do the rolling off the back thing.
      My situation at present doesan’t allow me to leave. I can’t look elsewhere because she knows where I am all the time. I have no idea what she does after she leaves work most of the time. She could be getting hers somewhere else and I wouldn’t know!
      I still want her everyday like I did when we first met. I also want her friendship, which is dying because of this.
      Anyway, once again this is too long and meandering a piece, Sorry People!
      You did ok on the english slang thing, by the way.

      • John,
        Do you see that you empower her? Your reaction feeds the fire. Your longing feeds the fire. There was a time I was like that. Then I decided that we would almost be room mates with kids. Yes, it hurt. Hurt like hell but I realized that even though I was hurting inside I wouldn’t let her see it on the outside. You’ve been so beaten up that John, you can’t even pull yourself up. Your therapist is helping by listening. But, he may not tell you how to pull and motivate yourself. You need to get out of your depression and start to see your self in the world in a different light. Honestly John, you need to not think of her. She knows of your constant attachment to her and that helps you get hurt. Stop feeding it!

        Even though you do care. Honestly you need to act like you don’t. Hell, ask her point blank if she wants a divorce. You need answers and for so long you’ve tried as nice as possible to find them from her. She is unwilling to work with you in any way possible. Just ask her if it’s a lost cause. If then you know you can honestly be free. You might live there, but you know you tried and no matter how long you tried it wouldn’t have made a difference.

  7. Interesting. She feels that you don’t make time for her. You see it as I was here for 6 weeks you could have made a move. There’s something that is a deep issue within herself. The issue isnt with or about you. YOU can’t change the way things are going. Have you told her your blogging and/or commenting? If not I would. Shortly after I first started this blog I told my wife about it. I wanted her to know what I was feeling. She could read it when she wanted on her own so it wasn’t like we were sitting down and having a “talk”.

    Try that. Just simply tell her honestly what you’ve been doing. That you needed a way to talk about it, whatever. Then point her here. If there is some part of her that does love you, she’ll read. Tell her your user name. Think about it. Why hold back now? Be honest. Whats the worst it’s going to get you no sex?

    • I must admit I thought something like that myself. Drawback is that if that’s right and I make more time she’ll just use it to bitch at me even more and I can’t take that right now.
      May pluck up the courage to tell her about this but even that’s fraught with danger. I’m terrified she’ll just walk out or something. This is the annoying part, I don’t want to lose her after all that’s not right between us. She thinks it would have been better if I had an affair because she could fight that but she can’t beat all the things that are in my life like Bikes, Bands, hobbies etc. but in a way they’re there because of this problem. I do think our love only goes one way. I can’t remember the last time she said she loved me, she never does when I say it to her. Thanks again though!

      • Further to my last bit I decided to try a bit harder so last night came straight out and asked her if she’d like to have sex in the early evening. She said yes and we got all the flirting bit going on again. She has some things to do so I start doing stuf just to use the time till we start. I caome into the living room to find her watching a DVD even though she hadn’t finished what she was doing. I said something about the film was a couple of hours and this would mean we’d be late too bed. She said that’s not a problem so I sit with her watching the DVD. When it finishes she goes for a shower but doesn’t want me to get in with her because ‘it takes longer’. So I shower soon as she comes out. By the time we get to bed it’s 11.45 so I get in and go to kiss her and I get ‘ you’re not seriously expecting sex now, are you, you’ve left it too late’. I just turned away, turned out the light and tried to go to sleep. Now, you would have thought that as she was soo tired she would have gone off to sleep, wouldn’t you? Wrong! She starts bitching about me feeding the dog with its breakfast instead of it’s evening meal, then it’s the fan in the bathroom. By the time she’s finished I found myself crying quietly in the dark. I’m a fucking grown man, for God’s sake and she can reduce me to this. It’s not even just about sex, it’s the whole intimacy/caring thing.
        All the positives of the last week are in tatters now. I can’t tell her about this blog. It took a lot of courage for me to try to get things going last night and now I know I was right all along.
        We’re off for a short break next weekend and she’s going on about what we’ll spend the weekeend doing if we can’t leave the hotel. Ha, Bloody Ha. I’m dreading it.

      • That is quite heartbreaking. I’m so sorry. Hope things look up during the trip out of town.

  8. So here we go again.
    Saturday I get home from work and I walk in the kitchen, say Hi and she starts giving me the eye so I think looks like we’re on for tonight. During the early evening there’s lots of knowing looks and little touches and I’m getting hornier and hornier. Then she wants to watch a DVD so we do that. Then off to bed and it’s like I’ve been somewhere else all evening! So I think perhaps she’s intending a lay in in the morning etc. Nope, I wake up and she’s already up having breakfast, dressed and all. I decide to try and keep things going and in the end ask her directly if she’d like to have an early night while fondling her arse! I can’t remember her response now but it wasn’t No. So I carry on working on the computer while she has a bath and watches her favourite tv programme. I have a break and sit with her watching tv and chatting. ThenI say I’d better go shower if we’re haveing an early night and then I get ‘You don’t think I’m having THAT sort of early night do you? I’m not being fitted in like another thing you have to do, you know, Suppose I’d better shag the wife now’. Where this came from I don’t know but thinking back she was bitching about nothing nearly all day. I’d had a tiring and busy day and mistakenly thought it would be nice for us to get together for some affection etc. I don’t understand why it wasn’t ok for me to be working while she was having a relaxing bath and waching her tv. She’s not one for massage of being washed while in the bath so I don’t know. Anyhow seems like back to the same old daily shit. I’ve been home in the evening s most nights for the last 6 weeks and nothing has happened sexually at all. I’ve been ill but not unable to have sex, it probably would have helped me recover! Now I’m back to normal life patterns with this week being particularly busy in the evenings and I have to be out 4 of the next 7. She’s going to bitch about that when she realises! but if I remind her that she had me to herself for 6 weeks and didn’t take advantage if the opportunity I’l get my head blown off! She could’ve used that time to re-bond with me. I’ve taken to finding stuff to do to take my mind off sex in the evenings fo a long time now. She could have shown me that she really does care about us while I’ve been off but wasted it instead. She doesn’t get the whole male need for sex. Trouble is running the family and helping me to run the admin side of my business means I can’t do without her and they’d probably kill me if I walked out. Everyone thinks she’s marvellous and she is in so many ways but when the door to the outside world closes my world goes dark and cold. Some while ago we tried the sex every night thing. She agreed it might be good but we managed 3 days before we started missing it and within 2 weeks we were back to ‘no sex-we’re British’ again.
    Why the fuck do women do this? Is it true they all go down to the woods once a year to agree how to make their partners lives miserable? Yes, I’m serious!

  9. Just recently I’ve had a couple of flirtatious encounters with other people, and it made me feel alive again. I never realized how years of handling the rejection had killed something inside me. I have spent the better part of the last 10 years pregnant and/or breastfeeding my children, which definitely did not make me feel attractive at all. When you add that to nearly constant rejection from my spouse, a little part of me had disappeared. Now that she’s back, I don’t know how to feel. Realizing I am still young and at least a little attractive leaves me more frustrated with my spouse at times. If others can see the beauty in me, why can’t he? He married me for Pete’s sake! I know I don’t look the same as I did when we got together (children will do that to you), but it’s not like I put on 100 pounds and just sit around all day.
    I think I am finally willing to admit I want to go to counseling for me. I accepted long ago that I could not change my husband, but now that I know how much that changed me, I am sad and unsure how to handle my feelings. The thought of trusting someone I don’t know with my secrets and feelings terrifies me, but I feel like I’m going crazy and I have to talk to someone to sort this all out.

  10. As you will see by my last post on We are Not Alone 1 things have changed for me since my original post and I must thank frustrated hubby for this to some extent. There’s a lot of truth in Fuck That. I am really grateful that I found this site. Yes, I’m the 58 year old referred to above!
    I had to use the train to get in to work today and a very attractive blonde got on and sat in the seat next to me and started flirting! I’d forgotten how much fun that is! No phone numbers or anything like that were exchanged but I got off that train feeling a million dollars. She fliirted with me, for fuck’s sake!
    She was in her late thirties I reckon. I suddenly realised that she thought I was attractive enough to chat up, not the current opinion I have of myself!
    If I’d been single I would have tried to go further than just flirting but that would be a big move at the moment because I still want it to be the woman I married. I can’t change overnight but I am prepared to now and that’s a start.
    I remember when we used to flirt and my heart starts pumping but I’ve tried that with her with no luck in the last few years. But what do you do when you start flirting and get told you’re just a pervert every time? You give up and go and beat yourself up because you knew that’s what she’d say. The next step is believing what she says about you and that’s where the downward spiral starts.
    Is this the same for the ladies posting on here, I wonder?
    As I said, I’m really grateful I found this site. If you’re reading this and you’re in the same situation join in, you’ll feel loads better!

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