We’re not alone
When I first set out in writing this blog it was my way of dealing with the frustration I was feeling with my wife. My feelings as if there was something wring with me. I feel that by me discussing this and the comments that I get back that in some way I’m letting others know that they aren’t alone. That other people are going through the same thing. Just knowing that doesn’t make the situation go away or get better but it does make us feel that it can’t just be all our fault. See, I’ve come to understand that the other party in the relationship places the blame or fault on us. Why? It’s hard, damn hard to look at yourself and admit that you have issues. That it’s not your husband that loves and wants to make love to you that has the issues but it’s you.
So, for those that come to my blog and feel a connection, take solace knowing that you are not alone and in most cases the problems in the relationship are not ones you can fix.
The Diary of a Sexually Frustated Husband 
Thanks for that, again. It’s funny but my reply to sfrustratedwife was born out of a powerful feeling that I wanted to try to help her in some way, I couldn’t not respond to her post. Yet when I think about my own situation which, as you can see is very similar to hers, I’ve so far just wanted to curl up in a dark corner and die. So therefore I think helping one another is good for all of us and, as you say, makes us stronger together.
Its great to see us helping each other. I’m glad that this blog born out of frustration is helping others. I’m glad your taking it day by day. When you think you can’t I’ll give you whatever information you need to contact me and we can just outright talk about it. At this point by you coming back and leaving comments I know you haven’t given up. Think about this as well. Giving up is easy. I don’t know about you but as a guy, I don’t think I’ve done the easy thing to many times in life and shouldn’t start anytime soon. When I get knocked down, I do get back up again.
There is a creed that I have instilled in my kids and my wife.
“Family is stronger together, then apart.” I mention that because I kind of look at us, those who are going through the same thing as family in a distant type of way. So, ALWAYS remember. We are stronger together, then apart. When you think there is no one that will listen. We will and we understand.
Sorry sfrustratedwife925,I didn’t see your postbefore I commented on KC’s post.
God, I read yours and thought I could have written that, just change the gender in it and it could be me writing..
I don’t want to tar all women with the same brush but most of the time, but because of what you and I are both going through, it seems like they are all like that. What I struggle with is I keep hearing about how modern women are the same sexual beings as us men nowadays, horny, looking for lots of sex and yet I never seem to see them around me anywhere. The only women I seem to come into contact are so prim and proper that butter wouldn’t melt, as the saying goes.
The suicide thing: Just keep putting it off works for me at the moment and again a big thank you to frustratedhubby for his thought. It made me realise a few things. I have stopped thinking about it but for now by putting it of till tomorrow I’m getting by. I’m hoping, a bit like me , tomorrow never cums!
I don’t know why our partners do this and don’t think I ever will but I have to get some somewhere as they say. You will reach this point to eventually. There’s nothing wrong with your body. Every man I know wants his woman to be a real woman in everyday life and an enthusiastic lover in the bedroom. My wife has only iniated sex 2-3 times in our 37 year relationship and that makes me feel like she only ever had sex with me out of pity/duty/availability at the time. She won’t dress for sex to please me. I’d do anything for her sexually, (as well as all the other stuff) but she just silently rejects me and, shit, that hurts. I don’t do pushing for it. Apparently I’m wrong to beleive when a woman says ‘no’ she means it!
Getting back to you, from a male perspective stopping his cuddles etc won’t work. When he cuddles you start touching him up VERY directly. If he pulls away every time then you’re right about it coming to an end. If he doesn’t you just may have found the switch. Make sure you tell him in simple words, (we understand them best), what he’s doing to you.
I felt a lump in my throat when I read your post, not least because I couldn’t beleive it could happen to a woman!
You won’t be better off alone but you may find a guy who appreciates you for your obvious warmth and affection. You just need to find him if your husband can’t be the one.
Some how we must get our SO’s to change. I’ll keep you posted!
Going back to KC’s comment about the ones who want end up with the ones who don;t. I think we often miss the signs that this will happen for one reason or another. I said in my previous post how I’d recently met an old flame etc. I ditched her and went with my now wife because my wife was so enthusiastic about sex, initiating it and so on but there were things she didn’t like such as oral, (giving OR recieving). Looking back now I realise that her idea that she could grow to like them was a massive indicator of future problems. At the time it was exciting and I easily convinced myself that she was so enthusiastic it would be ok. Of course once she’d got the marriage she wanted she stopped making any effort to change and even bog standard sex soon became a ‘chore’.
In response to unneuteredenuch37, please don’t tar every woman with the same brush. I don’t think sex should be used as a game or something just to trap or snare a man until the ring goes on the finger. I want my husband to be my lover. I want him have that knowing looking between us before bedtime, I want us to start kissing and make love, i want him to touch me and to look at me and i just know that it is me me he wants physically and mentally. I want him to be my lover. But I lie in a cold bed every night. He lies with his ipad. His rejection has made me contemplate suicide also so I think the fact that the some of us have in this situation shows just how deeply the rejection is felt. I just cant stand the feeling that I am not good enough, pretty enough, sexy enough, slim enough, young enough, have the right sized breasts, that my vagina looks as good as the girls in porn – all of the above and ten times more. He just won’t come near me and the worst thing, it doesn’t seem to bother him that it is making me ill. As long as he gets the occasional cuddle that is all he wants. I have decided now not to let him cuddle me as he is getting out of the relationship what he wants. Inevitably the marriage will end but i feel maybe I will be doing him a favour as it will take the pressure off him to have sex with me ever again. I now live in a fear that all men will feel the same way and no-one will ever be attracted to me again, will they all just prefer porn? I am terrified so maybe I will be better off alone.
unneuteredeunuch37 –
I’ve been giving your comment a lot of thought. I’ve spent a few days thinking on your situation and the magnitude of what you posted.
I’m in no way qualified to answer such a posting but I’ll give you my opinion.
You’ve spent a better part of your life loving one woman, you put in time, emotions, tears, money and more. I think that you have tried to work with her. Tried to see what the situation is and how to address whats going on. It seems that you have tried to talk to her about it and that in itself causes issues.
I can tell you that not because of my situation but due to financial, I had contemplated suicide as well. At first I thought if I did it in a manner that my family would be taken care of due to the insurance. I then thought of all the things I would miss with my kids. Now, mine are young and it seems that yours are older and out of the house.
it seems that you’ve tried everything possible. You’ve put in the work and it’s been one sided. My opinion and it’s just that. It’s time to move on. Your wife for some reason no longer values you and what the relationship means to the both of you. This might happen to me as well at some point down the road but I’m not there yet.
Leaving the world honestly is not an option. Think of it. She would be taking away all of the pleasures you can and should enjoy. Sex, seeing the moon like it was last night. Something as simple as a sunrise or colorful sunset. Your kids and grand kids now or at some point in the future. You’ve been living your life for her and now you need to live it for you. Why would you want to take that away from yourself?
Make a list, a bucket list or whatever you want to call it. Start marking off the things on the list. You would like her company on some of them, but if not you need to feel just fine that she doesn’t come along. This is for YOU, not her anymore. You’ve spent WAY to much TIME and it’s only gotten worse. Start living for yourself. Go Skydiving, flirt with a 30 something in the cafe. Whatever, make yourself feel ALIVE again!!
if you need funds. Sell some of your stuff. Do you really need it anymore or is it just memories? Memories will last but you no longer need the physical stuff. Get excited about what the world has to offer you and go out and grab it! You’ve put in the time and the effort and it’s gone no where. You can take solace knowing you tried. Think about that for a second. You REALLY tried, you didn’t and haven’t given up. Why would you now? After putting in so much work it would seem kind of senseless to just end it all wouldn’t it? Don’t be a wanker!
Start living your life for you. If someone comes along and something happens sexually, yes. You’ll feel bad afterwards but then the thought that you have tried to get this from your wife has not been successful.
I would sit down and talk to your wife. Tell her that you love her, that you truly do but that you now have to start thinking of living life and just not going through it on auto pilot waiting for it to end or ending it sooner. You would love for her to come along the journey with you and that includes a sexual one with each other. But, if she can’t make that happen then so be it. Your done being held back from the joys in life and being made to feel as if you are the one with the problem.
Start living for yourself!!
Thanks so much for taking the time to think about this. It’s really appreciated.
You’re right, of course about all the things that I would be missing If I decided to end it. Both my daughters are going through the big life events now and I don’t want to miss it all.
I’ve recently been really ill and this has been a bit of a wake-up call. Firstly I discovered I don’t want to die, I just don’t want to be in this mess. It’s up to me to change it so I stand by the part of my original post where I said ‘get out while you can’
I still feel I have to keep trying but am more realistic now in that should a chance arise for me to get what I need elsewhere I will go with it.
I will try to talk to her about it but I’ll have to wait for the right time for me.
As part of the counselling I’m doing at the I had to get family members to write a sort of report on how they perceived me. She gave me a fantastic write up with a few very true negatives but I was left feeling why couldn’t she have told me this stuff and why is it that everyday life suggests she thinks the complete opposite? If only she could understand the effect she has. She seems to thinks it’s all ok, just me having a whinge for a while, but can’t see it’s not.
The biggest problem is the loneliness I feel.
Any way, the new plan is to get out there and do new things as you say and see where it takes me. Whether I can stick to it….. I’ll let you know!
Thanks again and good luck with your situation. It’s good to know we aren’t alone!
Unneuteredeunuch37, I’m going to have to think about your posting and get back to you.
Hey guys, after 33 years of this crap from my wife I can tell you it ain’t gonna change. Get out while you still can! (This comment is also in respone to another part of this forum about Porn).
I now suffer anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts thanks to this woman, and treatment doesn’t work.
They go like this the moment they’ve got what they want in my experience. Legalised prostitution is what it is. Forget all the rubbish about abuse too, its just a front. Why is it that when they treat us like this it’s not abuse? If we treat them the same way we’re abusing, torturing etc, etc
And about female porn stars. How come they get £4-500 for a 20 minute video yet the blokes in it get their bus fare home if they’re lucky? strikes me the industry is abusing us blokes. Look how many of the people making big money in porn are female too!
My biggest mistake was buying a vibrator! I bought my own replacement! Thought I was spicing things up a bit, yeah, right.
The whole Christian thing is sickening, they’re just another bunch of control freaks. What’s caused more wars, apart from politics? It ain’t porn!
The way most women use sex is cruel beyond beleif to us males. Having worked in mostly female and mostly male environments I can tell you that the Famale ones are far more lewd and pornographic than anything men can think up!
I, too love my Wife immensely and don’t wish to leave but, If I carry on I’m going to to commit another real sin, that of suicide. Yes ladies that’s how far you can push us! I got told recently when I tried to instigate a discussion about this that ‘she’d made other arrangements’ long ago I had mistakenly thought wanking would calm me down a bit as she had a much lower sex drive than me. I don’t like the thought that I’m forcing myself on her but like so many others on this site I just wish she would join in with my fantasies that usually involve her. Recently I met one of my old flames and was very tempted but then I remembered why I finished with her. You guessed it. She started using sex as a barttering tool and often didn’t keep up her part of the bargain. Now I’m stuck. Go to a prostitute for what I want, (I see this purely as a business arrangement), risking std’s, £1000 fine and criminal record thanks to our venereal politicians, go onto a fuckbuddy site and then have to start lying about where I’ve been, or Cheat. I’m in a very dark, bad place because of this now. Time for me is running out at a young 58. I thought as I got older it wouldn’t matter as much but it matters more.Every day the rejection hurts more. I’m afraid to try to initiate sex in case I get accused of attempted rape or something. I try to keep busy. I sit up watching the tv so she’s a chance to be asleep before I get there. Feels like I tip-toe around my life all the time. I find no enjoyment in life at all now, just waiting for it to end.Sex twice a year is not enough! 2 BJ’s in 37 years!
We’ve been together 37 years by the way and have wonderful children. But they have their own lives away from home now
I probably haven’t tried everything but now I can’t think of anything else to get this sorted
To the Christians I would say that it says in the bible that a married couple should strive to satisfy one anothers’s sexual needs throughout the length of the marriage to keep both partner happy and serene but most women conveniently forget that even if they knew it in the first place. What a world that would be!
If only I had a husband like you! I just have one question……why does it seem the ones that want so much end up with ones that don’t…….leaving everyone so frustrated! Just asking!
I agree with the comment, ‘ you can’t think rationally’ it affects every part of your life. Even when your out and doing something fun, it suddenly comes back into your mind that your partner doesnt want you and I can break into tears wherever I am at anytime of day. It is the anger I am going through now. The anger that I feel his actions have made me feel this way about myself. I was a sensual and very sexual person when we met and I feel that this has been stripped away from me. I have gone from wanting him and I knew eventually that would wane, and it would be too late to retrieve our sex life. Now I am just numb. He never stopped watching porn but didnt want sex with me, so now I have no sexual confidence either that anyone will ever want me. The depths of despair are terrible.
Lonely Wife,
I’m glad to know that you feel that your not alone. I hope that my blog just doesnt help me but others as well.
Please feel free to vent. If no where else this, me this blog and the people that comment will feel for you.
It is nice to have a outlet to vent. I am so frustrated I cant think rationally. I hate it. It hurts emotionally and physically. I am not sure how to cope.
I don’t really know how I stumbled onto your blog, but I’m glad I found it. I HATE that anyone else ever has to feel the way I feel about my sex life with my husband, but I do find comfort reading my feelings in someone else’s words. It reminds me I’m not crazy, and I’m not wrong for wanting sex with my spouse. It helps knowing other people are dealing with the same struggles, sometimes for years on end like I am. I have tried talking, yelling, fighting, crying, enticing, and everything else I could think of to try to change things, but it remains the same. Like you, I feel numb about it now. Does it still suck? You bet. But, I have learned over the last 9 years, getting upset changes nothing, it just leaves me upset. Thank you for being willing to share your journey so honestly.
Lonely Wife,
How do you cope? I am finding myself angry and unwilling to let my husband touch me because I dont want to get turned on. I dont want to be mean yet I am cold and distant when I go to bed. How have you survived the marriage for so long? I want to survive mine!
me.
It isn’t easy to cope. But from what your telling me it seems to be feeding into itself now. Pushing away doesn’t solve anything either. There is something else that seems to be going on and you need to find out what it is.
People have asked should I stay or go? I can’t answer that for them. I just look at it from my standpoint. I don’t want to give up. If I leave one day I can say that I tried everything that I could have and what “I” did just didn’t work. But, that the work was put in. The understanding was put in. The love was put in and in the end it didnt matter.
I really do think that the people on the other end don’t really know what they have. I’ve had a counselor ask me why I was still around. That I was imposing this sentence on myself as it was called. My answer was, because I love her and the way she is isn’t her own fault but the events that she was apart of. I think at some point things will change. My sons might be grown and out of the house by then but we’ll see.
I have days I have to talk myself into it, and other days it’s not so bad. I try to remember that sex isn’t the only reason I married him, and although it is incredibly painful to be shut down for so long, sometimes just a reminder about his other great qualities is all I need to remember that things really aren’t that bad.
The hard days are REALLY hard though. It’s hard feeling beautiful and loved when your husband doesn’t want to touch you, or have you touch him much if at all. If he’s hugging me, I do remind myself that it’s just a hug and not an indicator of an interest in more.
The more I can get my head in the “right” place, the easier it all is. Focus on the good and try to enjoy it when he does touch you, even if it’s not leading to something more that you want. He still wants to embrace you and kiss you out of love, even if he doesn’t want sex.
That said, at my age, I am finding it harder and harder to come to terms with this being how the rest of my life will be. I always had hope things would improve when “x” thing happened like he always said it would, but I’m losing hope. And as I lose hope, I’m losing the ability to have more good days than bad. I’m hoping it’s just a phase for me and I’ll snap back into it soon, but I’m not sure.
As far as I know, my husband’s issues aren’t related to any sort of childhood trauma, it’s just the way he is. Which in ways makes it harder to accept, because I feel like he should want to change for me since there isn’t a major problem standing in the way, but then I think about how hard it is for me to change my way of thinking, and I know it’s not fair to expect him to change completely for me.
Good luck, “ME”. I hope you find peace however things turn out for you.