I know it’s been some time since my last update and the reason for that is, not that much has changed I’ve just gotten over being upset. As someone just commented on another post of mine. After so much time goes by you just kinda give up. You want things to be different but have come to the resolve that no matter how hard you try and make things different this is how they are going to be. Some would get a divorce, others cheat to find what they need. Then there are those of us that just hang out. I guess you could say we really love the women in our lives despite not getting what we want from them. Is this settling? I don’t know. I can think of girl friends past and wish my wife would be more like them sexually. I got damaged goods and while that isnt her fault it’s the choice I’ve made to stick with her good or bad. So, here I am and here I’ll be. Either until she changes or the sexual hunger that I have finally goes away.


~ by Frustrated Hubby on December 19, 2010.

12 Responses to “Update”

  1. Yours is a tough situation. My advantage is that I live in Brazil where sexuality is accepted more naturally. My wife was brought up in a sexual vacuum, she didn’t have a clue what it was about, but she learned.

    It sounds like your wife needs to find emotional healing. She already feels really guilty and dirty, so you have to avoid anything that would even faintly hint at causing her guilt. Would she agree to some kind of counseling?

  2. Damn! I would love it if my wife did any of that. She was brought up the playing with yourself was dirty, she was molested as a kid from 8 – 16 by her father. My wifes sexuality was destroyed and she continues to allow it to be. What happened wasn’t her fault so my situation is different. I just can’t give up on her for something she really couldn’t control.

  3. I still maintain that the key is communicating just how important sex is to men. Men are not good at that. Without a lot of explaining women just don’t have a clue, they assume that men are like them, I managed to let my current partner know in many manners. I explained the biology, I kidded about the “150,000,000 beasties” that needed release every day, I explained repeatedly that men experience their feelings of love through sexual activity. I explained how frustrating it is to be horny, I explained that the hornier I got, the better the women on the street looked. I told her that I would masturbate if I didn’t get sex. She “got it” and our compromise is that if she is unavailable for whatever reason, she will help me masturbate whenever I want (within reason), usually at night in bed. It isn’t ideal but it is a whole lot better than being frustrated. She will cuddle with me, sometimes blow me a little to get started, give me a little handjob until she gets tired, hold my sack, remove her top, bite my nipples, anything to make a connection with me.

    The key is to communicate until they “get it.” If they still don’t care, then you have to question their sincerity when they say they love you.

  4. It sounds like y’all have been together longer and have kids and that is tying you to the marriage more than me. I’ve been married 5 years and been decently unhappy for 3 of them. Because of that, I refuse to release inside her when there is any chance of kids. I do a very good job of faking it in my marriage. I honestly don’t think she would have a clue im unhappy except that I have about quarterly heart to hearts with her. I do love her and I don’t want to leave her, but I am frustrated. When do you call it quits? It’s not like marriage is unbearable, I’m just unhappy. That makes me concerned that its a problem with me that wouldn’t be resolved by not being married. Plus, I did make commitments to her in our wedding and I don’t want to hurt her.

  5. What sad posts. I have been married twice, the first time the honeymoon was incredible, but the next week was a harbinger of the next 32 years. She finally “got it” that I needed sex, and was available, and always managed to orgasm with me, but she never initiated it. By the time she “got it” I had “lost it” for her, and I finally married my passion, She was incredible for the 20 years that we were together, but by the time we officiialized our relationship she had “lost it”; age, anti-depressives, etc. it is almost a repeat of my first marriage. Except that she is “available” whenever I want it. And she is beginning to understand that she should initiate once in 10 times at least.

    Women don’t know that they are horny until they are “turned on” and the key to them letting us “turn them on” is within themselves. Until they learn to let us turn them on, they will never have desire.

    Our job is to communicate this to them in as many different ways and as long as it takes for them to “get it”. Without nagging of course. And doing the dishes and taking out the trash the whole time. We have to earn the right to be heard.

  6. Update 3 – I had a heart to heart last night due to all of the issues descibed above. We have pretty regular sex (3 times a week) but its always like this is a service being done for me and mainly missionary.
    Okay I think this is fairly simple in some respects – if you play easy to get, the other half gets lazy. Or maybe I am being greedy. I really don’t know. Everything else seems to be a higher priority for her. By bedtime she is too tired to do much in the way of intimacy. Lots of “promises” all the time. Rejection hits me badly. Xmas Lingerie now has dust coating on it.
    Its pretty numbing not feeling desired. She never wants for feeling desired as my desire for here is frequent as a re the compliments. Maybe I am boring. Maybe I should become less trustworthy. I really don’t know. We are sexually mismatched and I don’t know that we are ever going to find a compromise I am happy with. Maybe I need to get my own house in order. I feel like I have been going down a long path for a long time and am reaching the bottom.

  7. Glad I found your blog. I am in the same situation you are in. Married 17 years, 3 kids. My wife is a stay at home mom and it seems as if her time is spent on Facebook or texting my oldest daugther and her friends. Our marriage started out fine, frequent sex, it has slowed down to maybe 1 time a month. She use to wear lingirie, that is now in the bottom of the drawer for good. This past month has been worse for some reason. I love my wife and don’t see divorce as the answer. She said I am always nagging her about being on Facebook. I only say something to her when I come home from work and am trying to carry on a conversation with her, only to be interupted by an updated facebook status or a text from someone. I don’t think she would cheat, and I certainly wouldn’t, but this is taking its toll on me. I am depressed a lot of the time, feeling certain she is not attracted to me. I do my best to help around the house, with laundry and cleaning. My wife is slightly overweight and is self concious about it. I have told her countless times that she is beautiful to me regardless. Your last sentence is exactly what I have been thinking for quite some time. I am going to be around until she changes of my desire for sexual hunger goes away.

  8. Update 2 – well the garter belt and stockings have not made an appearance for the last 6 months, no surprises there. Neither have hold ups which were often quite common. Slightly increased BJ frequency, but erratic. So that’s better to an extent. 1 or 2 69’s. One “quickie” in office clothes on arriving home and tights which was not bad at all! I dunno. Its always been a “job done” type process, straight onto blackberry and facebook / twitter afterwards. Really feels like its being done as duty. Just frustrating to be honest.

  9. Update – well I managed to get both at the end of the year, so that was pretty lucky. Involved persuasion though. But, I kind of know it was a one off. I hope I will be proven wrong, but here I am – frustrated again. I hope your xmas went well.

  10. Well I bought a garter belt, suspenders, stockings and matching knickers as a first time ever xmas naughty. I will keep you posted if they or a bj see the light of day over the next week

  11. Also many couples simply have mismatched sex drives – and it can be either gender. Once you sort out all the other issues like weight, self worth, trauma, tiredness, anxiety, fear, shame, prudishness and so on, it can boil down to that. In which case it has to come down to compromise. I would relax by having a really nice one on one session with plenty touching and tactile contact. The s/o might watch tv or go on facebook. We just get slightly different needs met from sex I guess, and mine is greater. Would paying for a bj when you are literally burtsing be the answer? It might feel good at the time but its not your s/o doing it for you because they love you. So no, I dont think it is. If its at that point you should not be in the relationship. Would I do it with a realdoll or in 20 years time with a sexbot? Sure – its just a lump of plastic and legal. Not sure what my s/o would say though! I dunno its just frustrating. A lot of my wifes issues come down to weight gain which is going now due to diet. But for example due to this she only felt comfortable doing fairly vanilla sex on our honeymoon. Which was kind of ‘meh…’. Still it was a nice week away. Sigh. Once a year for this kind of thing is not enough. I am not getting any younger. I am not ugly and keep trim with diet. I just like some regular sexy slap and tickle.

  12. Well I think the tempation is to think the grass looks greener on the other side, lush like in spring, but come autumn it looks just like our current backyard. Those g/f you metion I am sure made an impression at the start. Once they had kids you probably would not even know who they are. My s/o is a great cook and puts a lot of love into it, which is great as I am a very physical person, however she openly admits she is lazy in the bedroom. We can be open and joke about it but I always die a little inside as its like I am losing that specific intimacy. Its hard but the fact is husbands do not come first – children do. I guess we accept this but it does not make it any easier. Its a primal thing for them. Likewise sex is primal for us, and if someone makes the effort in the bedroom every now and then (spontaneously and without nagging) then is makes us feel desired, loved and treated to something special. Not all men are like this and will get the same ‘satisfaction’ from sport, hobbies and so forth. However some men just love frakking – its what makes them tick. I am not a heavy drinker and not A type competetive, but I am pretty damn stoked when home when it comes to those curves. Relationships are complex and ever changing, and often one of the things that can happen is complacency. I think its important to have change in our lives to stop us stagnating and letting our relationships grow stale.

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