Going Home

Yes, I returned home after a few hours and a text from the wife saying our son had been taken by grandparents to the park, she would be here to talk.

I explained my feelings to her. Got it off my chest. Explained that for years it seems that “life” in general has taken a front-row seat to everything and our marriage/relationship has been the last thing on her mind. I explaind that the “life” that we now live was born from that relationship, from the marriage. They are both tied together now. I asked her point blank if she felt that our marriage was worth fighting for, worth working at it until we feel we both have given it everything we have. I asked her if she wanted a divorce.

She really didnt answer. Leading you to think that in fact she did. I explained what would happen in a divorce, no more house, kids would be with me every two weeks then her, kids might get exposed to another woman, another man, life as it is now know for everyone would drasticly alter and it may not be for the best.

I explained to my wife that the pain that she went through and continues to go through on a minute by minute basis, the hurt that was caused continues to dictate who she is. I asked her if she feels she can be loved and worthy of being loved. She shook her head no. She stated she feels as if shes damaged goods and why would I continue to fight for her? Becuase I’ve seen this other person inside of her. I explained it like this. The pain and hurt is like a puddle of mud. When she has a few drinks, that mud washes away. The loving, motherly, wife underneath shines through. Then after that wears off, for some reason. She feels she has to jump right back into the mud, get covered and everyone she loves deals with the person on the surface.

I have tried over the years to change myself to what she needed from me. To be quicker on this and that. To try and be a better husband etc. It feels as if I have done a lot of work without it being returned. Now, some of you will say. She needs to go to counceling. I would agree. Thats happened, and very little to effect who she is came out of it.

I hope she learned today when I walked out and was thinking of just pointing the car to Michigan and taking the job or California, staying with my sister and getting a job out there. That I didnt. I believe in her and came back home. I almost wish she was a drug addict. At least it would be something that I could see, point out to her and start to work on. This is within her, locked away and something I have been unable to rid, fix or change within her. She needs to do this or she runs the risk of losing everything she holds dear. Our two sons, in time as they get older will also be effected by this. She has already started to get tougher with the 4 year old for things that are minor. The 5 month old doesnt yet push buttons, cant talk back. Requests nothing really. It’s when you can make requests or attach strings on those requests that things start getting rough.

I dont know what the future will hold, if my wife will be in it or I blog and am alone. I would move on to someone else, she stated she wouldnt. I would be it, no more men in her life. See, the situation wouldnt change based on the guy. The issues dont live within me or another. They live within her and must be extingished or lose it all.


~ by Frustrated Hubby on November 23, 2008.

3 Responses to “Going Home”

  1. You have strength to love her, and her flaws, but you are human and you have needs too. There is no harm in what you have done. I wish you both the best.

  2. Would your wife ever consider joining a Buddhist-type study and meditation group? I think there is a lot in that “spiritual” approach that leads to exactly what you are hoping she could do: get rid of her addiction to bathing in that muddy puddle.

  3. Very sorry to read these last two posts. Might just be a blow-up after being away. We often have that kind of thing: when one person is away for a few days, they come back and the rest of that day and maybe the next is awful. Something about how hard it’s been while the other person was away, but not wanting to admit to it.

    My heart bleeds for your wife it really does, and I can see why you’re sticking with her. She’s not damaged goods, she’s a beautiful woman. It must be so horrible to be touched by evil.

    Your metaphor of feeling the need to wallow in the mud is a good one. Tiny things I’ve done or experienced in the past sometimes come back and haunt me in this way, and I feel the need to go over them, and almost nurse them, thinking they say something deep about me. Aristotle said we have a desire to understand. I think we have an irrational compulsion to give meaning to almost everything.

    Well sometimes shit just happens and it doesn’t mean anything. Little shit or big shit. The Jews have lots of stories about this kind of thing: Job for example.

    Sorry for rambling. My heart goes out to you both.


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