Communication…WTF?


Haven’t you noticed that when you do get into a tiff or fight that it is usaly a failuare to effectively communicate somewhere? My wife and I had that this morning.

I normaly get up and cook Sunday breakfast. I wanted to start this tradition not for myself but or my kids. I could picture, “yeah, my dad got up and cooked breakfast every Sunday” in a conversation at some point in the future to a friend or spouse. I also do it out of love.

The wife had ben up since 6am doing extra work for work. I got up, and headed out to the kitchen area. My wife asks me if I could get started on cooking. I said I would. This to me was more of a question, in the sense of time. I wasn’t upset then, that came later. I looked at the kitchen and in order to make homefries, I had to peel some potatoes. Well, there was a stack of dishes in the sink from last nights dinner. The I cook you clean seems to have fallen by the wayside over time. Now I just feel there is always a pile of dishes for “me” to do no matter who cooks or cleans, anyways. I had to empty the dish washer in order to make room for the dirty dishes. I was then asked, but it seemed and I took it then as more of a command of “are you going to start cooking?” The way this came off and the way I took it rubbed me the wrong way. I will admit, she might not have been saying it that way, but its the way it sounded and I know now thats not what was intended. I started the homefries, took some bacon and sauted in in the pan for the bacon grease, I diced up a sweet onion, sauted that in the same pan. I also diced up a little red peper and added that to the pan as well. Tossed in some Sea Salt, Garlic Powder, Adobo (Spanish Spice Mix) and Sazon (made with Saphron). As this was cooking I diced the newly peeled potatoes and added them in. As I was cooking the wife walks by and looks in, she says “oh, you added the bacon in there” and walked off. The way this came off was “I dont like what you’ve done.” I felt as if I was being thanked for cooking in the first place. But, being criticized for tossing in the bacon.

One of my love languages is Words of Affirmation. So, in hearing this I was now fully pissed. I came back with an answer of, “Well, if you wanted it differently then you should have gone to Burger King.” I didn’t say it with a loud pissed off voice. I just did. It doesnt matter how it was said, it was just said really.

I finished, we sat down to eat and things were calm down for a bit. I then go into the office to check emails, see whats up on Linkedin and so on. She then says “are you going to do anything?!” HUH? Now I got pissed. I emptied the dish washer, I filled it, I cooked breakfast and not just something quick and ok. I also put the 4 month old to sleep after I was done eating. I just wanted to take some time to myself and see what was up. If there was a huge need for me to be busy, write me up a list or something. I then in a pissed off voice, said “What would you like for me to do?” her response..”Nothing Tony, Nothing..” as she shakes her head and has a look on her face of disgust. WTF!!? You ask if I’m going to do anything. I ask you what, then you fail to give me an answer. As if I was supposed to know that there was this magical list of things that were supposed to get done.

See how all this comes down to communication and sometimes either of you seems to not be speaking the same lanugage. Sometimes it just seems so fucked up.

So, we sat down to discuss. I listened to what she had to say. At my point in talking she was shaking her head no. This gives you the feling that no matter what your saying the other person is unwilling to hear you out. They have aleady made up their mind that what you have to say isnt worth listening to. So, why bother. I asked her if she was goin to be resecptive to listening to what I had to say. she said she could give me an answer. Well, “have a nice afternoon” was my response.

I left the house…

Now I sit at Panera Bread wondering what to do next. Do I just get in the car and head towards California and stay with my sister? Do I head towards Michigan and take the job that was offered to me? I just want to go home and start today all over again, both of us. I packed a few clothes into a bag, not knowing what my next steps are going to be. This whole thing is really screwed up, ya know. Why does it have to be like this? Why is loving someone and being married to them so damn hard?

I’ll end up going home as I love my family, I really do. I just dont always like my wife at times and I’m sure she doesnt like me at times as well. It seemed while I was gone on my interviews and when I first got back home she was so loving. Now things are back to normal.

We’ll see what happens.

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~ by Frustrated Hubby on November 23, 2008.

One Response to “Communication…WTF?”

  1. I read this with a feeling of sadness. I am married, this is actually my third marriage.

    I have found the trick is to remain unaffected by what my wife says, does or doesn’t do. How I feel is my business, not hers. I used to put blame on her for “making” me feel bad, now I have realised that the only person having any effect on my emotions is myself. This is probably a realisation that cannot be taught, it can only be arrived at personally, but when it dawns on one, one stops being a victim instantly.

    This attitude has a double effect: not only do I have some control of my feelings, but my wife feels better because what she says or does is not affecting me unless I allow it to do so.

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