Signs, Frustration and More..

I havent posted in a while. Things have been, well ok to an extent.

The first time in making love without a condom last weekend, went well..she wasn’t into it. At all. This really sucked for me as well.

Fast forward to today and this evening. My wife woke me this morning by sitting on top of me and acted like she was riding me. This very act has now for me set the tone for the rest of the day, a sexual one. Wait! I’m NOT supposed to look at it like that. As the day moves on she has been giving me passioniate kisses, flirting etc. So, this is to me signs that later in the evening. Things are going to move forward.

Kids get to bed, wife is still awake; just by her being awake leads me to think she is staying up so we can be together later on. Wife goes into bedroom. I follow not to lng after. She’s changing clothes to climb into bed. I come up, kiss her, she kisses back. I slide my hands on hers, “dont bother putting them on.” I’m speaking of her panties. She doesnt, slides into bed. I get undressed in front of her and slide in next to her.

I start to slide over, my hand glides on her thigh. As it gets to “her” and I attempt to kiss her on the neck and lips…….wait, it suddenly feels very cold. Like I’m not wanted here. I try my advances again and get the brush off. HUH!?

I’ve been getting signs since being awoken this morning that later in the evening it was going to be on.

I sit up and ask her whats wrong. After several minutes of dead air. I get “I dont want to hurt your feelings.” Dont worry about that talk to me. (some thing my wife rarely if ever does) “You move me to much and…….I’m not attracted to you anymore.” Ahhhhhhhh, BINGO! Now I see. I’ve always known my wife is superficial, this proves it. It also proves to me the differences about love and bein in love. She loves me in the sense, if I was to get hurt or come up missing. She hasn’t and is no longer “in love” with me. She told me this several times in the past. I guess I just didnt want to see it.

I love her and am in love with her, I just dont always like her. I dont care that she went from a size 4 back in the day to I dont even know now. That her boobs went from B’s to DD’s now. That she has more bumps and curves then when we ever first got together. I’m willing to take the whole thing as it comes. She seems she cant.

You know. I would rather know that she doesnt want sex anymore. Fuck, just tell me. I asked her this and she said she feels it wouldn’t be good for our relationship. HUH? So, shes willing to give in, not even fake it at all, make love to a guy she isnt attracted to anymore. Why fucking bother.

I’m not pissed even though it might sound like it. I’m hurt, yet once again. I’ve asked my wife to put on stockings. Something I love. It would take nothing or her to do but make me very happy. She refuses. Now, she doesnt flat out tell me no. She just doesnt do it at all. It’s not even the stockings anymore. It’s the fact that she wont do something that would make me happy, yet. I’ve been busting me ass to try and make her happy. I’ve tried to step up on the things she’s asked. It doesnt do shit! Nothing changes.

So, now I have a wife that is that in title. She’s with me due to the kids now. If they werent around, I dont think we would be. Shes not attracted to me, yet she’s willing to allow me to be with her; and she’ll let it be known she doesnt want to be there.

Counseling, doesnt matter, didn’t do shit. Talking to her best GF, didnt do shit. I love her, but reading my own blog post I must be a fucking moron. I think now, I’m only sticking in it for my sons. I dont want to be without them. It would kill me not to be with them.

So, I went from 150 to 200 in the span of 10 years of being together. Is that so bad? I’ve filled out around the middle as going from 27 to 37 might do to someone. I have a good job and make good money. She has been given everything she could ask for. I’ve asked for nothing from her. I would like for things to change, for my wife to be able to speak to me openly. I love having my kids but also feel trapped by them to her. It’s hard to love someone but feel that NOTHING you do in the world is going to get them to love you back.

I can’t stand my marriage right now and everything I’ve tried to fix it doesnt or wont work. She’s almost lost me totally.I don’t want to give up, but she isn’t making it any easier to keep up the fight. I didn’t want to end up like my parents, divorced. I want it to work. I don’t think she knows how or wants to keep it working. Man, if this happens this is going to really hurt my son. You know, I would stick it out. Sacrafice myself for them so they dont feel the pain that I went through as a kid. As a 37 year old man, I’ve never cried so much. This sucks. You know. I know why people just end it. They want the pain to go away. Yet, that would cause alot more pain and be selfish in the end. HAHA, funny. I STILL come up being the dumb ass either way….this is fucked up.

I’m not perfect by any stretch, but there has to be someone out there that will love me for me.

Is that so much to ask?


~ by Frustrated Hubby on October 12, 2008.

10 Responses to “Signs, Frustration and More..”

  1. Ok, for those of you that are new. I have tried every way possible to approach my wife. Due to the molestation by her father when she was younger. Being the aggressive cave man type of thing, while fun. Doesnt go over well in her case. Starts to feel as if it’s being forced, memories come up etc.

    I do welcome your comments either way. The rabbit hole is very deep.

  2. hey..i didnt read all the comments so forgive me if someone already brought this up BUT… just because you are ok with her “new” body doesnt mean she is! personally if i put on a few pounds..i dont feel sexy…and it TOTALLY affects my sex drive.. .. and i agree with above.. a perfect husband is GREAT for lots of things…but in the bedroom…umm..yeah..sometimes we want a perfect bad boy…someone not so nice… and not so willing to do our bidding!!

  3. Just a quick sharing thing: I could never stand it when my husband followed me around waiting for the right moment. I wanted more aggression. I wanted him to overcome my puny will. Because unless the man is dominating and behaves as his will dictates the situation, my mode is just to “get things done,” and I don’t want to stop for such as sex. Sex requires FEELINGS, and I am not always able to go there because those feelings threaten my “survival,” which has to do with taking care of business, household, other people’s basic needs. If the husband is always going to let the slightest objection affect him, he’s not being dominant enough. That’s just my feeling. Yes, some women need to be “taken.” Maybe this isn’t appropriate here, I don’t know.

  4. Splitting doesn’t sound right to me (IMHO) though you have to have that as an explicit option I suppose. I like what John says about backing off: but not to make your wife work for it, just so she can relax and feel less under pressure.

    Some context: my wife (A) and I are just gradually coming out of a period of say 8 years of very little sex; the last maybe four years maybe no sex at all. My fault not hers. At first she complained but that just made it worse. I’ve been very tense about the whole area for years and I’m only now loosening up, and coming back very tentatively to explore the area. We love each other — and I am so grateful she has stood by me despite all the crap I’ve put her through — and I think it’s going to be fine.

    So: (a) crap sex doesn’t mean crap unrescuable marriage; (b) some things can’t be addressed directly.

    Re weight & fitness. When we met I was pretty fit and A was more or less pear shaped (I like cuddly women as well as hardbodies;). 15 years later I am a physical wreck (not so much overweight as unfit) and A is totally ripped (curvy hourglass. She does freeweights even!). I find myself gazing after her, I want to run my hands over her body, … It’s possible that this has played a part in my recent awakening.

    Sorry for the long comment. I’ll have to go back and read your blog properly.


  5. I do have to give my wife some credit. On Sunday, her and I were out on our own. In-laws were watching the kids for a few hours while we ran some errands.

    Sitting in a booth at Wendys, she apologized for the previous night. I accepted it, but that doesnt make it alright.

    I looked at her and said “You dont know how to deal with the love that I give you do you…?” She shook her head NO. IMO, she doesnt feel that she deserves to be loved, she doesnt know how to love and doesent know how to really show it back. She shows our kids love, for the reason they need her. The part that scares me is what happens when they get older. I’ve seen some changes in her reaction to different situations that the 3.5 year old has done.

    I dont know. I just take it day by day really…..

  6. Leave her. I’m sorry, but at this point you’ve done all the work and she’s saying she’s not in love with you. Is that supposed to be a nice way of telling someone you want a divorce? I think so.

    I agree with Sir John when he says make her work for it. If you leave her and you’re unaccessible to her, will she want you back? Who knows… But, if so, she needs to “woo” you back. You don’t come running!

    About the boys, I will say that yes, it will hurt. Yes, it will suck. The older one will cry, but the baby won’t know or remember anything, which is good. You can even take the older one to counseling with you when you have him to help him get through it without the scars you had. Just be open with him and always be honest.

    Don’t forget that you have rights to the children, too. It’s going to hurt her on the weekends she doesn’t have them, just like it will hurt you when you’re away from them. Your attorney should be able to work out a better visitation schedule than just every other weekend as you’re such a loving and involved father. You can probably get one night a week, plus every other weekend. I’m not sure. Check into this, though.

    I’m so sorry. You deserve to be treated better.

  7. I am weeping for you both. I am in sort of a similar situation. I am not sure how we got out of our sexual funk, but I know that my hubby isn’t attracted to me. I am over weight and he has voiced that it is hard for him to be attracted to me because of that. I have tried on numerous occasions to lose weight so he would be attracted to me, but someone above said you have to do it for you or it just wont work. I wish you both the best of luck.

  8. Thanks you for the input Perfect and John. It’s been 10 years and I just feel that nothing I do will make a difference. John, I have started working on my weight, and doing it for me first, there with you on that one. I do want her, anything I do doesn’t seem to change the situation. Yeah, I hear Dr. Phill right now.. “well, hows that working for you?” It isn’t.

  9. Painful.

    Doing the right thing as you see it is never the dumb assed thing to do. It’s the only way you can look in the mirror, right?

    Sorry you got the confusing signals. Sounds like she suddenly realised she was further out than she thought she was.

    Would it be fair to say that your wife is turned off by sex per se? In which case you are not the problem. I’m not saying that she is the problem. Could you depersonalise it? Tell each other nice stories? I dunno. I bet you’ve tried all this.

    I’ll drink to you tonight.


  10. This is a very difficult place to be. I was there coming on three years ago. Mine ended in divorce. Yours might not. The most important general advice I give you is to be ready for it to end. That being said, I will attempt to give you some advice that I hope might turn things around for you.

    First, you have to ask yourself if you REALLY want to stay married to her. Not whether you never wanted a divorce, or yada yada about the kids… do you want HER? If not… best to let it end and take some initiative on that front. If you DO want her… you have a lot of work to do.

    One, the mixed signals… your wife is “trying” to be into you. (In her mind this gets her a lot of points.) What you need to do is back your own approach off a lot. It’s a little hard to understand; We know that women want to be wanted, and we want to try every opportunity we think we might have for sex when it’s slowed down. However… you’re salvation here is going to be if you actually make her work for it.

    Two, not being attracted to you… You immediately focused on your waistline. That’s natural for us guys to do. The thing is, that’s probably the least of the reasons she isn’t attracted to you. Number one, as I said earlier, is ease of access. You are a constant, she KNOWS you want to have sex with her, and she is going to focus right now on how to get out of it. Numbers 2-9 you need to discover for yourself. You already know that there are things that annoy her or upset her about you. Pick the most obvious one and no matter what you do DO NOT change it… then slowly begin changing some of the others without telling her. Pick your battles carefully, do not immediately cave on the things she points out… find the ones she HASN’T mentioned and work on those. This isn’t about giving her control, it’s about changing the playing field.

    About the weight, if you want to lose it, it has to be for you, for one. (Keeping in mind that you might soon be single… it’d be a good idea to get a head start, yes?) Secondly, no matter what do not EVER tell her that you are losing weight to try to be more appealing to her.

    In your current situation, you are NOT going to get her to do things for you, like putting on stockings. That is a given. Stop mentioning it to her. She already knows that you like the idea. IF things turn around, one day, without you mentioning it, she’ll be in stockings.

    Women love to talk about the relationship and what they think they want/need out of it… but they are often wrong. If you broke up today, do you think she’d rush out to find some guy who was bending over backwards to do everything she asked? The answer is an emphatic no. This isn’t license to be an asshole and expect her to suddenly desire you, just a warning not to be a pushover and to let her set the agenda. Worst case scenario… you break up anyway but you don’t feel like you’ve been used and abused. best case scenario, you reignite the spark.

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