Benefit of the Doubt..

Well, today was horrible and this weekend will probably be the same.

I fucked up and big! I will freely admit it and take full blame. (This means I dont need others to crucify me as well.)

About two weeks ago I got a ticket for doing 82 in a 65 I think it was. Now for most people that would be bad, they would pay it and move on. Lets just say that I have had my fair share of tickets, losing my license and spending a total of 4 months, not at one time of my life in jail. I know, I SHOULD HAVE LEARNED MY LESSON.

Getting the ticket I knew my wife was going to get extremely upset with me. So, upon coming home I just didnt say anything. I was planning to get the time needed to pay the $200 tiket extended, pay it and move on. Of course, it didnt work out that way.

I get a call on the way home, she is VERY upset that I lied by omission. I know, I know. She has spoken with me about this before.

I had not lied by omission to her in months. So why did I this time..I was scared. Scared of getting scollded like a kid. She would argue, if you didnt act like one….grow up would be tossed in there as well for good measure.

I will admit, I SCREWED UP.

She is more upset that I didnt tell her then the actual ticket. I didnt trust that she would have acted differently.

So, she starts talking about how she can’t live like this. She can’t trust me. She can’t etc.   HUH?

I understand her being upset and she has a right to be. What I can’t understand is her seeming like she wants to give up on everything. WTF!? I’ve put up with years of a diminishing sex life before my eyes, a person that always tells me about I’m screwing up or pointing out what needs to be changed in order to “make things better”. Wait a freaken second. I realize you might be upset, very upset. But, willing to toss it all aside because of some rough times? I have taken the life and person she has delt out to me and I’m still here. Most guys would have haulled ass a long time ago. I asked her if it were not for the kids would she still be here. She shook her head no. Well then…

I guess I’m such a fuck up of a guy. She semingly has no issues. She’s peachy and everything in life and people have to bend to work in her world. I thought in marrying her that we had the same view on marriage. Shit, both of our parents have been divorced and remarried and we vowed not to be them. Yet, when it gets tough. She “can’t live like this”…This upsets me more then anything. More then not getting to make love to my wife.

OH, and while I’m going there. I have figured a lot out. Read close ladies and gents. Ladies, you want us guys to do things around the house etc. We are like kids and want to be rewarded when we do them. My wife says that I’ve changed. That I used to do a lot more. She’s right. I’ve somewhat checked out. Why? I’m not happy. Why? I dont feel loved. My wife doesnt show any, sex wise or anything else. But give her a gold for pointing out how you fuck up. When I was doing more I was getting more sex. Sex dropped off; my wanting to do more dropped off. My not wanting to take it upon myself to check-in as you might call it. Causes her to get upset..and the cycle goes on. Spiraling downward. When a guy is happy, by yes getting sex AT HOME. He will want to do things to make YOU happy. By not giving him what he wants, you effectivly hurting what you want from him. My wife looks at it differently though, the kicker. To her, some of the things that I want to be rewarded for are things I should be doing anyways. So why be rewarded? See, how this cycle is fucked up and will go no where but down. My wife even ADMITTED that our relationship is BETTER when we have made love and we were BOTH into it. WOW!!! Great! Now why the hell wouldn’t you want that all the time?

I’m also not talking about just sex either ladies. I’m talking about feeling like the other person loves you. Loves for you to be around them. Is excited when you come home after a day at the office. Someone that will touch your shoulder, just because. Whats worse is my wife on a rare time, has caressed my arm. I mentioned that it was nice; she didn’t even realize she had done it! WHAT? Can you say confused?

So, the discussion lead to divorce. Her wanting me to go somewhere for the weekend and leave her alone. I asked what she felt an end result would be from me doing that. I got the canned “I dont know” answer. So, why leave then?

I don’t think a divorce is right around the corner, yet I dont think that it’s been put away either. I’ve stood by her for so long while she trys to deal with the issues of her father and others. It pisses me off to think none of that matters. That I’ve sacraficed.

I am sorry for not telling her. It was wrong and I should have. I can’t unring that bell. Just move forward with her my choice or without hers. I guess we’ll see…


~ by Frustrated Hubby on August 23, 2008.

6 Responses to “Benefit of the Doubt..”

  1. […] – bookmarked by 4 members originally found by woodpainter on 2008-09-16 Benefit of the Doubt.. – bookmarked by 2 members originally found by […]

  2. Can I just tell you how refreshing it is to read what is going on in a husband’s brain? You are helping me so much. Sometimes people just screw up. Just keep doing the good things. You seem like a great guy.

  3. Girly says “You have been honest and open with her… she has not been with you.” You didn’t correct her, when you should have. I applaud you for taking some responsibility on this one because this lie by ommission issue happens quite frequently and you know it is a hot button for your wife in particular. Hell, yes, your wife has her issues and there are times I take your side all the way. On this one, however, you were wrong and the reason it went so far as her asking you to leave the house was because this obviously wasn’t the first, second, or HELL, even third time this issue has been discussed.

  4. […] Truth and Nothing But As some of you may have read on my hubby’s blog, this past Friday was a pretty bad evening for the both of us.  We have a very intense […]

  5. I am sorry to hear about that…this is my first time stopping by and to hear that you are having such a hard time sux. I will keep reading so I can see what happens. Just know Lollie is thinking of you dear sir!

  6. No offense taken. Yes, you nailed it on the head. It’s easier to look outward and want other things to change, then look inward and change that. Do I think that she uses some of her past as an excuse? Yes. I’ve seen her get “real” with herself and me. Break down and start crying from a place deep within her. Yet, nothing comes out of that.

    She would rather not deal with the hurt, but bury it somewhere within her and guard it. Why, I have no idea. Yet, it dictates who she is daily. It’s ho we all interact with. I’ve seen this other person within her only a few times in 10 years. The hope of possibly seeing that person come to live on the outside is what keeps me going.

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