Turned Down, Yet Again…I hurt, I hurt

I haven’t posted in a while for the reason is I’ve been depressed. our sex life was next to nill before the pregnancy and now it doesn’t exist at all. Before some of you get upset that I’m uncaring etc. That’s not the case at all. I know sometimes she doesn’t feel well etc.

Tonight; our son falls asleep on the couch, GREAT! An opportunity for me to make love and have some closeness to my wife after 2 weeks of nothing. Well, there was the one episode one week day morning, she came. I wasn’t into it..it was mental. My wife has shunned me so many times over almost 10 years that I’m really not attracted to her sexually very much these days. Seeing her naked looks nice but no longer produces the wood it used to. If she wanted to be left alone and not have to worry about sex anymore then she’s slowly making that happen.

I want to reveal something I haven’t shared with anyone at all..I’ve held it inside for a long time, I’m crying thinking about it. I love my wife so much, yet don’t want to go through a marriage that feels like it’s out of mutual need. I’ve thought of getting in my car and driving into a concrete bridge piling at 130. I need this from my wife and I dont think I’m every going to get it. When the opportunity like now presents itself. I get turned down for some sleep. I feel lonely, sad and depressed about this. I hide it well. I live with a daily hurt… I feel unmotivated to do anything for my wife. Why should I move mountains for her when she can’t do the same for me?

The hardest part is knowing that I cant do shit about it. It has to come from within her, and she doesn’t see how it really effects me. She doesn’t want to confront her daemons, in order to make a change. I love her to death and my son and new son on the way. I’ll stick it out, hating this aspect of my life, acting the happy sexless dad, just for my kids. How sad….

Yes, the baby is pushing on internal organs, yes she gets tired. I get it. Really I do. Is it to much to ask for something? Anything? You know what hurts too. She has always called me by my first name. Few times does she call me Honey as I do her. I would answer to it. It’s as if I’m kept at arms length, never really getting in. Our 3 year old son knows my name but not his mothers.

I feel like such a pussy sometimes. Like I don’t have a back bone. I doesn’t fucking matter anyways. She wouldn’t change. She has all but effectively stopped going to counseling even after I agreed to go to church. When will she see she needs to change for herself, for us, for our family?

I hurt, I hurt, I hurt…………………………

I’m sitting here typing this through eyes filled, about how I once again got shut out by my wife, GOD this fucking hurts.


~ by Frustrated Hubby on March 2, 2008.

12 Responses to “Turned Down, Yet Again…I hurt, I hurt”

  1. Hey…. that’s unfair! We would NOT love for her to join the club. I fervently hope she doesn’t have to join it, for both her and her husband (and child’s) sake.
    It might seem that we’d like company because we seem so blithe about having lost our sex drive, but that’s because 1) we’ve put it in perspective: being able to meet your children’s needs is, for many years, so much more important to us than meeting our husband’s needs, and we are wonderful at it; 2) we know that there isn’t a damn thing we can do about this lack of sex-drive….androgen therapy is still not widely practiced, and so we have no choice but to accept it as the natural course of things. Which it may (or may not) be.

  2. I’m glad to hear that it is important to you and that your not just thinking of your hubby and his needs. Your women friends find it a joke because they have resolved to living without it. I could bet you anything their husbands would relate to me on some level and what I’m talking about.

    I’ve found out that most, not all women see us guys as things that can’t really get hurt or we shouldn’t want to feel loved. Do this, ask any of them if your husband cheated on you due to a lack of sex would you be upset? Really ask. They will all answer OF COURSE! Ahhh, now ask WHY? You’ll get answers like, he wouldn’t love me if he did that etc. But, if those women would look a little closer, they are hurting their husbands due to the lack of not just sex but feeling loved. Anybody, unless strong would turn to anyone that will show it to them. It’s like a flower needing light. We’ve all heard of trees and plants curving themselves to get to the rich sunlight. A human both men and women will do the same thing.

    The other factor is time. Making love before was easy. You or him could be in the mood at 3:30 on a Sat afternoon and WHAM! go at it. Now, it will be..wait till the baby goes to sleep. If you nurse you’ll be tired from that etc.

    OH! Your hubby might not admit it and I know it sounds weird but if you nurse. Your hubby will get jealous of the baby. “Those where his to play with and now their gone.” He wont admit it but it’s there, trust me.

    Remember this. It just isn’t the “act” itself that’s the most important thing. It’s BOTH of you still feeling loved. A soft touch on the arm, a pinch of his butt, a loving note will go along ways in making him still feel as if he is apart of your life.

    Just recently we were in the store and I picked up some Crayola bath crayons for my son to play with. Can write on walls and come right off. My wife picked one of these up and left me a loving note on the shower wall one morning. That felt great, “She was thinking of me”, it went a long ways.

    Post back and let me know how things go. Don’t listen to your friends, don’t go down the same path; they would love for you to join the club, RESIST!!

  3. I stumbled on your blog while suffering from pregnancy related lack of sleep.

    My husband and I have been together for 10 years and I am preggers with our first and only child. Before pregnancy, we had sex (or some sexual act) almost every night. Now, its only a couple times a week (I’m in my last trimester).

    I am so afraid of loosing that sexual connection because I know how important it is to my husband especially, and me too of course. It seems like most married couples have this issue. None of my married women friends are having sex, especially after children. One friend said the reason he decided to have another child was to have sex with his wife again! What the heck is going on?

    I am worried about my desire after the baby comes but there is no where for women to turn to (besides hubby) with these concerns for advice on how to get the sex drive back up.

    In brain storming with my hubby, we came up with taking a trip to the adult store for books, movies and anything else that might work for me (and him) post partum.

    I love my husband very much. I DO NOT want post partum hormones and lack of drive make a wedge between us. As I said before my women friends are NO HELP. They even joke about it, down playing my concern, while they are not having sex! It seems to me you might have some advice. I at least get that this is a huge deal (my girlfriends don’t seem too) or maybe they just don’t know what to do about it. I wouldn’t want my hubby writing a blog like this. It breaks my heart to read some of the posts!

  4. Wanted to come back and keep reading. Indicative of my usual pattern of moping in the evening. With a couple adjustments, I could have written this,

  5. I started this blog so that I could talk about the things that bothered me and get them out. I, in speaking to several married friends noticed that we had similar stories.

    What I’ve noticed is that most women think us guys need the “sex” part. What we need is what you need. To feel loved, to feel connected to the one you love. Sex is a big factor for any guy. We feel that the physical coupling is a way of being, and showing love. Yes, there are those one night stands, but in the end; we just want to feel loved by the one we love.

    My wife is in the same boat as you. She could leave it for how ever long and be fine with it. I on the other hand would and do get the feeling of being rejected and “not up to par” on some level. I start to question myself. “Have I gained to much weight? The hair on the front of my head that is thinning etc.

    Try this; when your sitting with your hubby. Rest your hand on his leg. Give him a pinch on the butt when he walks by etc. We do notice little stuff like that and it makes us feel loved.

    Oh! Get the book about the 5 love languages. Find out what his is and try and fulfill it; he should do the same. It’s NOT a one way street by any means.

    Please come back and chat with me. Let me know how it’s going.

  6. I find your description of being sexually shut out very interesting, as I fear that that’s the way my husband feels. I have simply lost interest in sex, and have had difficulty seeing why he needed it so much and how that was making him feel. Now, having read your description, I am MUCH clearer about how he feels and know I need to start making an effort. It’s hard, though, when I have NO desire and need a few drinks to be able to even contemplate “the act”. It feels like being a prostitute, it really does. I understand now why so many prostitutes are drug-addicted. If you feel no desire, it’s like a sort of gentle rape, and all the play-acting that goes along with it (sexy underwear, high heels…) feels fraudulent. Even so, it’s worth it if he feels the way you do.
    You’re helping men and women understand each other, and I’m sorry if you have had to suffer to be able to do that, but you have done that. And that’s a lot, my friend.

  7. Yes, I have read it. She hasn’t. Friends and counselors have given her books to read. Yet, she hasn’t really touched them. Why?

    I do love her with all that I am. I have realized that all the love in the world I give her will not make a difference from the hurt that was placed there by her father. I can not remove that pain, only she can.

  8. Have you read the book then? There is a particular chapter near the end about the spouse that doesn’t return the love. That doesn’t reciprocate the love they are being shown. Perhaps thats what real love is. Continuing to love someone (as an action, as a verb) by actions.

    Today I showed my wife love by bringing her flowers…
    Today I showed my wife love by making the beds…
    Today I showed by wife love by rubbing her back…
    Today I showed my wife love by complimenting her on….

    The reason I mention this is, my father has recently gone through something very similar. My mother basically kicked him to the curb. He was using pornography because they weren’t making love. She didn’t understand (and still doesn’t) that he feels loved when she’s close to him. He also didn’t understand that he needed to show her love regardless. They are now tearing each other apart and the family finances, and everything else. Luckily my sister and I are both grown and out so there are no small children involved. HOWEVER, you are on the same road as them. They ignored the warning signs, Dad justified the pornography, and now they’ll probably both lose a big part of their money because of the lawyers. DO NOT IGNORE THE WARNING SIGNS. Please.

    Then if your marriage still falls apart, you can know that you did everything that was possible to save instead of to help destroy it.

    In Christian love,

  9. Chris,

    Thank you for the comment. I do know about the different languages and thought that I had found the holy grail. While I understood how she needed to be shown love. It doesn’t matter if it really can’t be accepted. I have and will continue to say that I love my wife very much; I’m still in love with her. But, I’ve come to realize that there is nothing I can do to make her happy. I can spend the rest of my life trying and it wouldn’t make a difference. She’s the only one that can make herself happy. Once she learns to be able to do that, then everything else will fall into place.

  10. Hey, you don’t know me as I just stumbled onto your blog.

    I wanted to share a couple of things with you…

    1.) There is a book that might really help (you say, “Yeah, right”) but stay with me here. Its called “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. You see, each us “feel loved” by different actions of our spouse. See, it sounds like you feel loved by touch (sex primarily, being touched, holding hands etc), and secondly by affirming words (you feel love when your wife uses certain words).

    Now, the awesome thing is figuring out what your spouse’s language is. Her tank might be empty because you think you’ve been showing her love, when her love language might be something different. Please, just check it out, it changed my marriage (I’m a guy so thats saying a lot).

    2.) Just wanted to say we’ll keep you guys in our prayers and here’s a verse for you:

    Romans 8:38-39
    For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come,
    nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

    In Christ,

  11. As do I also feel for you. I think you should go into counseling for you, not the marriage right now. You’re right. You’re depressed. It’s evident in your writing. For your sake, and your sake only, go ahead and see someone. You have to take care of you before you can take care of anything else going on. I’m praying for you heavily. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way and I can only hope things get better soon.

  12. I feel for you……

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