A Realization


My sister had come in from California and stayed with my mom for like a week. During this time there were various family get togethers etc. My 11 year old daugter who was supposed to stay with us wanted to stay there with her aunt and cousin. Ok, I wanted to see her but I can do that anytime.

One evening we stopped in, my wife, our son and myself. Now, let me start off by first saying that my wife due to the pregnancy hasnt been feeling well at times. Free Pass there, sometimes.. Overall when my wife doesn’t feel well she can be mean, cold and short. My mother just called to tell me that apparently when we walked in one evening that my daughter, of whom my wife has been in her life since she was 18 months old. Went up to give her a hug and a kiss. Apparently my wife turned her head and didn’t even acknowledge her. My mother noticed this and so did my daughter. She looked up at my mother and shrugged her shoulders. Why snub a child like that?

My wife can be very cold and mean when it comes to my daughter. A girl that at 11 needs to be told things over and over and doesn’t always get them right. I don’t know but it hurts to see. Am I a bad dad for putting her through that? I just can’t not have her back over because of my wife.

A Realization
I nor anyone else can do anything that will make things better. Period. It doesnt matter how much I try and fill her love tanks. It doesnt matter how much money I bring in, what I do around the house, it will NEVER be enough.

What I’ve come to realize is that my wife, until she can deal with the situation of what her father did to her. She will always be on the defensive, she will always want to be in control and she will always have a “get them, before they get me” attitude. The other night Dr.Phil was on and he said to this woman. “Until you can learn to forgive what he has done to you. Your family, your kids, your husband will never have 100% of you.”  You know, he’s right. There is nothing I nor anyone else can do to try and make my wife happy. She hates her father yet, lives with him everyday. Counseling hasn’t worked. It causes you to look at the nasty things within you and she doesnt like to do that. My wife would rather run within herself and try to hide it. Yet, everyone else on the outside deals with something else.

I don’t hold this against my wife, yet I don’t know what to do in order to try and help her get past it. She has a good friend and so do , Surrogate Wife. She has gone through the same thing. She has learned to deal with it and try and move on. My wife hasnt gotten really honest about it with of all people, herself. This is effecting everyone around her. We all deal with the ripples of the original pain. When my wife and I argue about something stupid, our 3 year old son sees this. What is that teaching him? When he sees his mother act mean towards his father. Whats that teaching him? My wife has learned to ask everyone around her to change the way they are in order to deal with her. She cant ask the same of herself.

So, we all sit. From me to the kids wondering when this person that we love is really going to start loving herself, then loving us back……..

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~ by Frustrated Hubby on January 4, 2008.

5 Responses to “A Realization”

  1. I just LOVE how NOBODY asks me anything!

    I DID NOT SNUB anyone that night!

    I did give her a kiss and hug as we walked in! PERIOD!

  2. I’m so sorry… this is tremendously difficult. I was a lot like this before going to counseling and healing. It still hurts me every day to remember when (as my kids say) I was a mean mom.

    She MUST go back to counseling. There is no other alternative. Closure has to come from within yourself. She can’t expect to get it from her father or from outside herself. Until she finds her “closure” and peace, she will always need to control all the situations around her.

    I’m here for both of you the best I can be. I love you guys!

  3. I understand what you are saying – she is the only one that can change her, no matter how much you want her to change she has to want to. I have seen this first hand with my wife – I can tell that she has made the decision to change her approach to me and our marriage: this allowed me back in. However, through the work I have been doing on me, when she did let me back in I was ready for it and am now able to do my part to make things work.

    No words here are going to help you feel better about your current situation, so all I can say is make sure you are ready for the times when she lets you in (it sounds like there are moments when she is “herself”) and use these times to show her how good life together could be if she wants it.

  4. I know it’s not her fault. Thats the hard part. I’ve seen this other person within her. One that loves life, smiles and laughs. One that does act like a loving mother to her stepchild. A wife that enjoys spending time with her husband and doesnt always see the mistakes made, but the love and laughter that he brings.

    I’m not saying I walk on water by any means. None of us are perfect. As her husband I want to make things better, as on that loves her I want to take the pain away. I’ve tried and after 10 years realize that I can’t, she has to.

  5. I just want to offer you hugs. You are hurting and being hurt and it’s not fair on you. It is most definitely not fair on either of the children…they never did anything wrong

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