Whats Been Going On..


Well, things have been crazy and all over the place, both at home, relationship wise and work.

Work
This time of year it’s difficult for anyone to find a full time position almost anywhere that pays anything. I get from people “Why dont you just get any job?” anything would be better then nothing. Well, not totally true. I need to make at least $26.50 – $30 an hour. If it’s anything less it wont make bills and I am effectivly not doing anything just keeping busy and it effects me if I do get an interview. I did find a position working from home doing instructional design for $25/hr. It’s cool, don’t have to drive so I save there. Only three month contract though so the not knowing what can happen after that doesn’t help.

Relationships
This one is hard. I love my wife to death but feel we are either  drifting apart or she doesnt love me anymore. The situation is even further complicated with her pregnancy. We both want it but I dont know if it’s for the right reasons.our relationship is so shaky sometimes that the thought of bringing someone else into the mix, seems very not fair to them. I know, I know…my wife has been going through hormonal changes and I get that I really do. It’s the long term changes that when going to counseling seemed to have started to change but have now reverted back to the way it’s always been.

Speaking of Counseling
Some of you might remember when we first started going. It was a “we” thing. Well, let me fix that. It was her at first, then she asked me to go. Great! No Problem. Hell, I like going.  I noticed by going I slowed my postings here. Well, she has all but stopped going. Doesn’t read the books suggested to her by anyone etc.A canceler does several things but one of them is to get you to look within yourself. My wife HATES to do that. She doesn’t like what she sees there. So, it’s easier to try and ignore it, tell yourself something and move on. So, this has left me going, looking at ways to improve myself for me and our relationship and me feeling like she doesn’t really care. She will make up some excuse as to why she cant make it in the evening and will argue the point as the day is long. I’ve learned to why bother.

The canceler has also mentioned that my wife is a person that HAS to be in control of everything. If she isn in control then she feels vulnerable. I can understand that really. Her father molested her, taking control from her and exerting his. Her past boyfriends just used her as a fuck toy, once again taking control from her. So, here I come. She finds the strength, inner voice and outer voice to say no and feel ok about it. Yet, not only me but everyone around her is effected by this control and she doesn’t see it.

Until she can look within and at herself this will never change. Not a true change. I understand where it comes from but after almost 10 years she still has learned that she can be vulnerable with me. I’m not here to control her, but to be a true partner with her.

Why Bother
Sometimes I feel as if I’m just spinning my wheels. Going nowhere in this relationship. I feel that nothing will change and why bother to beat my head up against a wall. From counceling I’m the kind of person that needs to feel connected to the other. I don’t mean sexually, I haven’t mentioned sex once until now. I mean like I mean something to them in their lives. For a long time now I have just felt like a sperm donor and a guy that when working can make good money. I wonder would life be better with someone else. You know, that thought itself sucks. Why should I have to have them? I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t want to think what life would be like with someone else or alone just getting my kids every other weekend. Why bother going to talk to someone, them tell me what I need to work on and it doesn’t make a difference.

I feel that nothing that I do will make a change for anything. It HAS to come from within my wife and by not really looking at yourself, she will never make some changes. She can be so cold, non-loving that anyone that would show that to you, would be like a moth to a flame. I’m not around anyone or that to happen, but I can see where it could very easily.

My Fears
I think my wife, if she doesn’t make a change will lose what she has.  She wont realize what she has until it isn’t there anymore. To me thats sad. I’m over here screaming that I love her and that we need to work on things, I’m trying my part . Yet she seems to want to avoid then facing it head on. She’s always done that. It’s easier.

I fear that this little new life and the one we have already are coming into a relationship that is basically fake. There for them and nothing more.  It sad for them and us.

So, at this point I’m tired. Tired of feeling like I’m working so hard to save something I truly believe in and not getting the same in return. Tired of feeling like I’m the bad guy and in the wrong and I have to make changes to fit within her world. Sometimes I want to give up and just say fuck it. Yet, there is apart of me that believes in those words I spoke standing in front of friends and loved ones. I’ve been through a divorce as a kid and never wanted my kids or myself to have to go through that. I believe in the love I do have for my wife. As much as she kills it off sometimes, it rebuilds or I rebuild it within myself for some unknown reason. I know, it’s hope. The most powerful human feeling. I hope that she will one day look into herself and b able to drop the walls that she always has around her. That she will be able to be the fun, happy person that I’ve only gotten glimpses of here and there. I hope that she will learn that she doesn’t have to control everything and that things will be fine. I hope that she will learn that I am here to love her, not rip her apart and that she can be vulnerable around me.

For now I wait. I wait until this happens if it does. Only her and time will tell….I just hope she realizes it before it’s to late.

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~ by Frustrated Hubby on December 26, 2007.

4 Responses to “Whats Been Going On..”

  1. FH – you summed alot of my feelings up in your comment. We are still here because we have glimpsed how good it can be. I am struggling to accept the “if it weren’t for my kids I would have left by now” feeling. I keep thinking that I am using my kids as an excuse not to leave, but I am slowly realising that my kids are here and if I really do think that their parents staying together is the best thing for them then it is right that I stay and I am prepared to work hard to give them a happy mum and dad and a strong family.

  2. I’m sorry you are going through this. It isn’t easy. Counseling on her part will help; it’s just getting her there. It’s like working out… once it becomes a habit, you love the way it makes you feel. When you stop, it is twice as hard to get back into the groove.
    You should try to let her know how important her counseling is to her, the kids, and you. Counseling will make her a better wife, mother, and all around person. I’m speaking from experience here. By not going, she thinks she’s taking the easy road, but in the long run, this road is actually the hard one and counseling is the easy road.
    I continue to pray for both of you.

  3. I stick it out for the reason is that I’ve seen this other person on the inside. This person that loves to laugh, knows that she cant control everything and is willing to let it go. To have fun and love the people she’s around. I’ve seen this “other” person and so badly want her to come to the surface.

    I just have to understand that there is nothing I can do to make that happen. My wife has to look within herself and thats something she doesn’t like to do. It’s easier to o what has always been done. Hide and try and ignore it. Yet, the demons within change whats being shown on the outside.

    Will I ever get that person I’ve seen? I don’t really know. I think I might someday and thus, I stick it out. I love her and currently am unwilling to abandon everything. Although, I do wonder if it wasn’t for our son, would I still be here? I really don’t know.

  4. Hey – I am glad you are back!! I was thinking about the lack of posts from you recently, and I can see that from your post here that your reasons are exactly the same as mine for not paying as much attention to blogging: counselling has become an outlet for me rather than the blog.

    I understand everything you have written in this post as it all rings true to me. One thing I can’t get my head round though for me also is the “why bother?”. I have no idea why, but we are still bothering with our wives, relationships and families. For me I think it is in the hope that alot of hard work will pay off one day and I will be happier with myself and my wife than I have ever been AND I get to keep my family intact.

    For now, we should both stick it out and try our best to make it work.

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