Life, it can get boring.

Nothing new really going on. Small little tiffs here and there, they fade, we don’t make up but don’t stay angry either. Life goes on.

We went to the coast for a wedding that my wife attended on Sat evening. 7pm was the wedding. Late dont you think? Reception didnt start until 8pm or so. We left at 11:45pm and there were still a fair number of people around. Bad planning to me. Oh, well.

As I mentioned I have Adult ADD. I don’t try and use it as an excuse, I just know where and why I do or don’t do some of the things I do. My wife got frustrated with me because she had mentioned something to me the day before. We spoke about it, and I had forgotten the entire conversation. We had not been up 2 hours and we were already in a tiff.

This is what bothered me the most. In getting up I thought we were going to go to the Denny’s next door for breakfast. I had forgotten the previous conversation. This set my wife off. She felt frustrated that I had forgotten.

Fast forward to riding in the car. Things got worse. I told her that I didnt remember and she just wasn’t buying it. She told me that if I could just remember…..she told me I use the ADD as an excuse to not remember. HUH? If I could have remembered, it’s not like I know that I’m doing it or make it a point to not remember.

I was hurt. I wanted some compassion for what I was going through. Some empathy. I was told why don’t I go to the doctor and see if there are some meds that I can get on that would allow me to focus easier. Otherwise it’s just an excuse. WOW!

While I can totally understand her being frustrated, the lack of compassion for someone that it going through something is what hurt and amazed me. I mentioned that I hoped to god that our kids didn’t have or go through ADD. She wouldn’t feel for them and what they or me go through, because meds aren’t being taken. My wife likes to look at peoples reactions the way SHE would handle the situation. If you don’t do what she thinks needs to be done then don’t come and complain to her about it. She wont give you any compassion for it.

I’m not angry at her for this. I think showing compassion for someone else that you are close to isn’t something that she learned from her parents, it sure as hell wasn’t her father.

So, I’ve made it a point to go talk to a doctor, see if meds will make a difference. Both in me to focus and concentrate and her learning some compassion.


~ by Frustrated Hubby on October 29, 2007.

5 Responses to “Life, it can get boring.”

  1. Thank you for the comment back. I wasn’t upset. You have your feelings and some of what I was talking about, is what you have or are going through. You expressed feelings towards me that you felt about your situation and your husband. That’s ok, I have broad shoulders and can take it.

    I hope that my blog does give you some insight. Even if you look at something slightly differently and it benefits the both of you in the end. Then something good would have come from my rants.

    In the end if someone said I could turn back the clock and you could start fresh, would I? I can answer NO. I wouldn’t give up my family. Things get frustrating, I ask myself “why do I continue?” but it’s due to the fact that I love my wife and am in love with her. Sometimes it seems she is doing everything to push me away but I’m still there.

    So, please post your comments. Call me out on them sometimes. It keeps me honest.

  2. Actually, after I’d sent that post about your ADD I regretted it a bit, because it was rather harsh and somewhat judgemental. I apologize for that. I don’t know you and can’t make those assumptions about you, you’re right. And I can believe that you’re a very giving person…it shows in all the ways you try to understand your wife’s point of view on things. Maybe I was identifying too much with her frustration when I wrote those things. I think I was trying to make her feel supported. It certainly can seem that the other person just isn’t interested enough in us when they forget things that are important to us or the family. I can relate to her in regards to your ADD because my husband does a lot of that sort of forgetting, with similar explanations for it, and that’s the way I always interpret it: self-obsession and a sort of complacent laziness. Maybe I need to re-evaluate those snap judgements about him, as well.
    Once again, I’m sorry to have offended you.It was unfair of me to call you self-obsessed. I was sort of playing devil’s advocate there, and possibly went too far. I would, however, like to reserve the, if not “right”, the “permission” to gently criticize your points of view a bit, or give you a different interpretation of them than your own. I hope you realize that it’s because I respect you, your intelligence, and your blog that I would even bother to do so. I suppose just analyzing and putting into words one’s own feelings requires an intense concentration on “self”, yes, but not anything so negative as “obsession”. And besides, I’m ever so glad you do analyze your feelings, because I find your analyses compelling and very useful to give me insights into my own relationship with my husband.
    So here’s to offering an olive branch to peace and mutual respect.
    Sorry…started watching those “marriage” videos and didn’t have time to get through them. I’ll do so at my first opportunity.

  3. Interesting. While I understand your point of view I don’t have to agree with it. I am the most giving guy you will meet and the fact that from one post and/or my blog you feel that I I must be self obsessed. That I do take offense to.

    Dealing with someone that you love that has been molested by her father; fundamentally changes who she was and is. Her learning to deal with her issues first is not easy for either of us. This blog was started due to the fact that I started noticing when talking to other married friends that we shared the same stories. Why?

    It for some reason “seems” that things drop off when we get married. It can happen to the best of us, both for men and woman alike.

    Having taken several tests and spoken to at least 3 Dr’s and tons of research on adult ADD, “I feel” it’s something I do have. I have also learned to deal, although frustrating at times with what I have and move on. Most people don’t know what it’s like to feel as if you in a dark room, flash some light for a second and then recall what you have been told or seen. In some cases yes, you are right. If the subject matter isn’t interesting to me then I don’t retain it. It’s like I say “why should I?” Is it right not at all for those subjects are important to others.

    This blog, like other personal blogs gave me and still gives me the ability to talk about my feelings and in some cases as you have be called out about them. To be challenged, thus posing questions back to me. I don’t want people to simply read my blog but to give feed back, good or bad. So for that I thank you.

    I would be interested to know your thoughts of the videos that I posted?

  4. Okay…first of all, I agree with Calling Him Out. It sounds like you’ve found a convenient lable to paste on your tendency to forget things. I think many of us realize by now that the medical profession Big Pharma wants us to pathologize and medicalize certain “conditions” in order to drum up drug sales and doctors’ visits. There is by no means any consensus that children’s ADD even exists, and far less on if Adult ADD does.
    So, is there any possibility that most of what you’re forgetting is information related to OTHER PEOPLE? Or topics that relate much more to OTHER PEOPLE than they do to you? Could what you are calling ADD really be just another name for self-obsession? After all, although I love your blog and it has helped me enormously, I do think that anyone who maintains such a blog has to be at least somewhat self-obsessed. And as we can see, this is not always a bad thing in all its manifestations. It makes you mercurial and fascinating in your divergent interests, but it could be VERY frustrating to someone who has to share your life.
    As for the speed addiction, well you need a higher level of stimulus than many people, that seems clear. However, out of consideration for your safety (and consequently the happiness and safety of your family) could you not put up with driving at the speed limit? Those of us with spouses and children are no longer ethically free to endanger ourselves that way. Your life is much more than YOU now. Please try to remember that and make some sacrifices in terms of seeking driving excitement. Do it for THEM.
    And yes, there are techniques a professional can help you with to overcome the lack of concentration and tendency to forget. Also, nutritional supplements like omega-3 fish oils have been figuring more and more in the research lately as naturally concentration-enhancing and focus-improving substances. At least look into it, and show your wife you’re taking some sort of action to improve your “condition”. That will make it easier for her to be patient and compassionate when she must be. However, as far as compassion is concerned, you didn’t give any examples of how your “condition” makes you “suffer”. You described it as some sort of vaguely amusing quirk. Do you really feel compassion is called for, if you seem to be feeling little pain?

  5. My frustration lies in the fact that you have not discussed this with a professional at all. Not that I feel meds will “fix” you. Only that a professional will help you learn to do things a different way to help you deal with the ADD. I don’t want you to have to been dependent on meds the rest of your life, you should know this about me. I hate meds! I only want you to learn what steps and things to do and remind yourself to remember, concentrate, everything…

    As the one who always hears I have ADD, deal with it…it is not always so easy to swallow when yes it does feel like an excuse from the receiving one, me. Also remember I have had to deal with your systems of ADD for over 8 years before you begin to think you even had it and before you were diagnosed during that study.

    In the end, please have compassion for those around you too. We DON’T understand ADD nor do some even know you suffer from it.

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