You Didn’t Have to Say That


Last night was an interesting one. We were supposed to go to counseling but due to a bad car accident it took me 2.5 hours to get home. Uggghhh. After relaxing for a bit and finding a left over pork chop for dinner, we were watching TV. There was tension in the air when I walked in, it was something you could just feel.

My wife has this thing about food touching. I dont know why or claim to understand it. She has asked me to put away the dinner from the night before, the pork chop I had just eaten. The chop was large and the only container I could find that would hold it would also hold some of the other food as well. Yes, not thinking to separate all the different foods I placed them, somewhat separated in the container. The following morning, yesterday. I was given a stern talking to by my wife as to the fact that I should know she likes her food separated and why did I do it like that. I explained, it wasn’t good enough and that was it.  She was upset at me for this the rest of the day.

Fast Forward
I after being in bumper-to-bumper traffic, turning around and going to counseling, just to find out my wife is basically trapped at home due to the accident, I walked in to feeling the tension. Our son apparently had been working moms nerves added to her already being upset with me.

Good One
The words that did it. My wife had told my son several times to not stand up on the couch. He proceeded to test this limit several time. My wife leans over and he plops down on his butt. My wife being upset but not flipped out angry grabs our sons leg and pulls him to the edge of the couch. Upon doing so he slips off and his head hits the floor. Not hard mind you, just enough for him to get a little freaked out and a few seconds of crying happens. I look over and say “Good One” I didn’t say this in a tone of anger but more so being sarcastic. This was the igniter. She told me I should have thought and that the comment wasn’t warranted or needed. I took this as “listen, just sit back and shut-up” I FELT I was being told that I couldn’t speak my mind and that instantly pissed me off. To my reply was “I will speak my mind on how I feel and no one including you will tell me differently.” As a kid I had to watch what I said around my father. As an adult I don’t have to do it now if I choose not to. I am allowed to speak my mind even if the other person doesn’t like whats said. My wife speaks her mind to me all the time about what she doesn’t like or what I haven’t done wrong. Yet, as those are her feelings and she has a right to them. I don’t tell her the comment wasn’t warranted or needed. Basically to shut-up.

Counseling would have been a way for my wife to get the food thing off her chest and anything else she was pissed off about. A pressure release valve if you will. It seems without that release and the tension that built up. With the disagreement, the valve got closed tighter.

So, comes today. Tension is still through the roof. I called my wife and although she cant say to much at work I ask if she’s ok and I get “I don’t know”. This drives me crazy as it leaves me with more questions then answers. Now, I have to go through the day wondering what the hell is going on. One counseling session wont fix everything. It will take work and we both will not get it right straight away.

She mentioned her tank was empty. The acts of service tank, one of her languages of love tanks. What I dont know is, what will fill it? Is it doing anything she asks me to do, by her standards, right the first time and right away? or is it doing something over the long term consistently such as the dishes? I could tell you the first one I could see not doing well and making me feel like a servant in order to gain her love. Working on say doing the dishes when it’s my time to do them is something I can do. I want to do that. I want to do it because it pleases her. How do I know what will work if she doesn’t know herself? I’m more then willing to work at it now that I have a better understanding as to whats needed, does she know what it will take?

I do give her credit. She has tried and has given me more words of encouragement. She has also touched me more, sitting closer to me on the couch etc. Hearing the words are nice but seem out of place. After so long of not hearing them and then suddenly the person says them, it seems fake. I know this isnt the point. I just have to get used to her saying them and being sincere.

I would say this event is something small in the grand scheme of things. We can get past this little issue and move on and I want to. I’m the kind of person that likes answers to know where I stand and what direction to take. Not knowing drives me nuts and leaves me hanging.

Comments?

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~ by Frustrated Hubby on October 4, 2007.

3 Responses to “You Didn’t Have to Say That”

  1. Try to remember, she may truly feel it but wouldn’t express it that way. She’s trying to express it to you that way now because she knows it’s your language.

    In other words, here’s an example: Dinner tastes awesome and she thinks you did a great job of making it. In her love language, she would do an act of service for you or spend quality time with you because that is her natural way of showing love. Now, though, she remembers that isn’t your way of feeling loved and reminds herself to show it to you the way you feel it, in words of encouragement and physical touch.

    Again, she feels the appreciation and love at your well made and delicious dinner! She’s just showing it in a way that is a little outside her norm and more your norm.

  2. Thank you for the words. It isn’t easy. We are both having to learn what and how to meet the other persons needs. Looking back on it now. I shouldn’t have used fake. That was too strong of a word. I know she’s doing it because it’s what I need. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I was hoping it was something she truly felt.

  3. My husband is acts of service and words of encouragement. I’m gift-giving/receiving and physical touch. Complete opposite love languages and it’s very hard to accomodate the other’s language so that their tank gets full. However, not impossible. Keep working at it. Practice makes perfect and it will get easier.

    It’s great that she’s genuinely working on touching you more and giving you words of enccouragement. Don’t think of them as fake right now. Just know that it is difficult for her to express her love for you this way and maybe you’ll see it as a token of how much she loves you that she’s stepping outside of her box to love you how you’d like to be loved. It says alot that you’re both working on it.

    I will tell you this. With your wife being acts of service, had you taken the time to put the leftovers in separate containers, because you know she doesn’t like her food touching, the next morning her tank would have gotten a little fuller.

    She may not have realized it, nor would you, but that would have been a thoughtful act of service and she would have packed the separate containers for lunch and felt warm and fuzzy that you put the food away the exact way you know she likes it.

    Important though: You do it not because you didn’t want to get “talked-to” or yelled at about doing it “wrong,” but because you love her and you know it would fill her tank some.

    I love you both. It will get easier to speak these languages as you become more familiar with them.

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