How This Got Started

I guess you should be clued in on how this got started.

My wife had put up a profile on line for people looking for friends from school or something to that effect. The boys mother also had an account at the same place. I dont know if she went looking or ran by it but she found my wifes profile. This profile had pictures of the family, our son and my 10 year old daughter. My wife had thought these pics and overall profile were private.

The mother looked at the pics and then sent my wife an email. She then told me of this. I then followed up with the mother about this. She explained that she was sorry, she didnt want to cause any termoil at home, that the boy just wanted to know and had questions.

My wife had gotten very upset when we first found out about the boy. She asked me if I wanted to have anything to do with him way back when. in the way that she asked I gave her the answer she wanted to hear. No, I dont want anything to do with him. being dead honest, I did this so it would make her happy. I felt this is what she really wanted at the time. Maybe I was wrong but my response didnt bother her in the least bit either.

After my wife coming home, she explained to me that she felt violated by the mother. She likes to keep things private and didnt realize that she had basicly put our family out on the net. An honest mistake. She wants an apology from the mother. As a guy this is the part I dont understand and might not ever. I dont understand what an apology will accomplish. but, I promised her that I would ask the mother for such a thing in an email.

So, thats how the incedent about the boy came up very recently. This isnt by any stretch a dig on my wife for having her feelings. She does have the right to have them even though I might not understand them.


~ by Frustrated Hubby on September 26, 2007.

8 Responses to “How This Got Started”

  1. Ginger,

    I know she has the right to be upset and that doesnt bother me. The order for no contact wasnt done after the mother contacted my wife. It was done when we both found out about the boy. This is almost 9 years ago now. Back when I requested DNA testing.

    My wife is her own free person and doesnt have to tell me anything if she doesnt want to. I dont request it nor do I require it. She wants to go out with a guy friend from work for lunch, so be it. I just dont get jelous. I used to, then figured out it was wasted energy and emotion.

    I’m not knocking her for her feelings, she has the right to have them.

    It was just easier at the time for me to avoid telling her something, vs. having her get upset as I thought might happen eight then. No justification, just saying what I was thinking.

    We’ll go tonight and talk and see what happens.

  2. Frustrated Hubby, if it wouldn’t bother you if a strange guy suddenly contacted YOU, then you are simply much more laid back than the average bear. People react differently to different situations, and women are wired so differently than men. Your wife was completely within her rights to be upset. I encourage you to not see that as her attempt to control you, but as a natural response of a mother whose instinct is to protect her family and especially her children.

    The fact that she went after your wife speaks of vindictiveness and an attempt to manipulate.

    Some women will do that kind of thing. Sorry…I’m a woman…I know this.

    Then she gets a court order for no contact? WTF? She seeks out your wife to make sure she knows you have an illegitimate child, THEN she gets a court order (the court does not randomly issue a no contact order…somebody requested it…that would be her.)

    Your wife deserves some compassion in this situation. I know checking your e-mail was not cool, but so was you not telling her you were e-mailing back & forth with your son…and it’s totally wonderful that you want to have a relationship…it’s just that the mother of your baby son deserves to not be blindsighted about it.

  3. Ginger…Yes it was VERY traumatic when this strange women contacted ME and told my her son wanted to know his brother and sister and that they were both beautiful etc etc. She also went on about why she didn’t know why my hubby didn’t want anything to do with him etc etc.

    More history…this child lives over 1000 miles away. Why? The mom moved away from here, in other words, moved away from the father of her child. Then once he found out, court orders were for him to have NO CONTACT with the child. Who’s request was this? I would think the courts would want the father to be in the child’s’ life. I believe the mother had to say something. I could be wrong, but just my thoughts…

  4. Ginger,

    The child was a year old when we both found out that he was out there. I went through the DNA testing etc. That’s when I said I didnt want anything to do with him. Now, a few months ago is when the mother sought out my wife and contacted her. I dont know why. being sneaky or something, I dunno.

    I wouldnt care if a guy contacted my wife that she had been with before me. How could I get upset at that. As long as he understands that I’m in the picture I have no issues. I could care less. She is her own person and she should know where the bounds are. I dont get jelous at all. So, I have nothing to worry about.

  5. I do understand your wife not wanting the mother to contact her. I think that was wrong of the mother.
    However. You should contact your son (my opinion of course) HE did not ask to be here and HE can’t help that he was conceived due to a one night stand. You are biologically his father and he has the right to contact you (again my personal opinion)
    I am glad that you are coming to common grounds on this

  6. What if some strange man wrote you and said that he & your wife had an affair,…

    Meaning, before you guys met.

  7. She asked me if I wanted to have anything to do with him way back when. in the way that she asked I gave her the answer she wanted to hear. No, I dont want anything to do with him.

    um, wait a second. I was under the impression that you didn’t know about him until the mother got in touch? Did you know you had gotten the woman pregnant?

    If you want to be in your son’s life, you should. You shouldn’t give dishonest answers just to placate your wife. The truth always comes out!

    After my wife coming home, she explained to me that she felt violated by the mother.

    Dude…if a strange woman e-mailed me and said that my husband was the father of her child, I’d be traumatized!

    What if some strange man wrote you and said that he & your wife had an affair, and he had some trinket or something of hers that he needed to give back to her. I’m sure it would take you aback.

    That’s a lame example because a trinket doesn’t equal the magnitude of a CHILD, but it’s all I got.

    Do you see what I’m sayin’ though?

  8. Just to add: The boys mother did do a search for my name. I received an email from the “site” stating that “her name” searched for “my name (maiden) married.” There a ways she could have gotten in contact with my hubby. No she went straight to me! Why? I have no responsibility to this child and did not have to tell my hubby. Bottom line in my opinion she was being a little sneaky and immature.

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