She Went to Her Moms…..Is it over?

Well, things have turned to shit. Allow me to explain.

**WARNING** this post might be a long one.

There are two issues and they both stem from her trusting me. First one. I have a 10 year old son from a one night stand. I’ve not had any contact with him since being born. This has always bothered me as I’m not the type of person to just shun someone for something they didnt do. It wasnt his fault that he was brought into this world. My wife was recently contacted by his mother in an effort to get in contact with me. Needless to say this contact caused a huge issue with my wife.

My wife has known about this child and has never accepted the situation well at all. A lot of hurt feelings etc. I contacted the mother in order to find out why the sudden and abrupt contact. She told me that at 10 he was now asking questions and she didnt have answers. My thought was to give him the answers he was looking for now, or have a 18, 23, or old kid standing on the porch pissed, feeling that I wanted nothing to do with him. Once again, it wasn’t his fault.

I spoke to him on the phone. Explained to him as best as possible that it wasnt his fault etc. At the end of the conversation he ended it with “Dad” This made me feel uneasy as I really wasnt that to him. I explained this to his mother and she understood. I felt horrible that I was now, after him talkin to me just leave his life. It wasnt fair to him. I also thought it wasnt as if he was going to show up next week or something. In thinking this way I gave him my Gmail account that I had but hardly used. There some emails exchanged back and forth, what’s going on in school, camp etc. He was excited to just know that I was talking to him. From previous reactions that my wife had I didnt feel that she would be very accepting of the emails. Thus, I didnt openly tell her. Why cause turmoil I thought.

My wife recently setup a Gmail account for herself. I was out of the hous and she went to login. She logged into my account, saw the various emails and proceeded to read them. This got her very upset to say the least. Should I have told her. Yes, I should have. But, based on her previous reaction I decided no to. She says I lied. I dont see it that way but I guess it was one through not telling her. She feels she cant trust me.

The other issue. Financially we are tight. I dont pay the bills in the house, she does all of that. I’ll go out and spend money and not tell her about it. Once again, in an attempt to not hear her jump my case. Even though I’ve done something to deserve it. I just work, and work, and work.. I want to be able to buy a soda an not feel guilty about it. I’ve gotten spoken to before for buying something for $4. Now, allow me to explain. I might do this several times a week. A soda here, a snack there etc. Am I perfect. Hell no. I mess up all the time and I’m reminded of it as well. My wife and I have a parent / child relationship. I guess there is no one to blame for that, then me. I just have to know that I can treat myself to a few (what I see as small things) during the week. So, spending money we dont have and not telling her is another huge issue. Bigger to me then the child issue. For her it all goes back to trust.

I can see her point, I really can. But, I’m made out to feel like the bad guy. Like I’m some big horrible guy. I “feel” that I dont live life but am told what to do. When to do this, when to take this out. That I should put in extra hours in order to make up for missed time etc. I dont “feel” that I can make my own choices, that someone else is always telling me what to do. These are just my “feelings”

So, my wife comes in sits down and I know somethings wrong. She tells me that she’s upset and why. The bigger issue being the kid or so it seemed, her being able to trust me is the root issue. After some additional conversation she tells me she is 2 minutes away from going to her mothers. I dont like threats by any means and when someone does that I will call their bluff. She wasnt bluffing. She went to her mothers for what she tells me is the evening, our son in tow.

Apparently this episode to her feels that our marriage is on the rocks. I thought things were getting better from my standpoint.

So, here I sit. Typing away missing both of them. Will she return? I dont know. If she doesnt that’s up to her. I just want to be loved and feel like I’m my own person. I know I need to watch the spending and that I have been trying to work on a little at a time. What do I do about the kid issue. I cant take it back. If she feels she cant trust me, do I really want to have to prove myself over and over to her? What does that encompass anyways? She said actions would count. How? What actions?

I dont know. I guess it’s a wait and see.


~ by Frustrated Hubby on September 25, 2007.

21 Responses to “She Went to Her Moms…..Is it over?”

  1. Excellent points, Raindreamer.

    However, his lie was one of omission. She has every right to know that the her child’s father is communicating with her child’s sibling. This could very well affect their family.

    The great thing is that both are now seeking advice and counsel from an objective, professional party who can help them to come to a place of understanding.

    It’s very encouraging.

  2. But is it open communication if another person is afraid to talk? I mean if I understand correctly he has not exactly lied here. We are not all naturally open and if other persons reactions are out of probortions it makes opening up really difficult. Just sarcasm can make us close up.

    Maybe this is cultural thing, but in my culture women /men reading their husbands / wifes mail, e-mail, text messages is considered both illegal (which it is – and I think also there where you are), but also kindly said unhealthy.

    Open communication is a great thing and to be expected in marriage, but the blame of non open communication is not always only on that person, who does not open up, but also on the person, who makes it difficult. Ask any family therapist here.

    And it could be other ways around wife could be closing up.

  3. eh, I don’t know Raindreamer…I guess I’m from the old school of thought that says everything is “full disclosure” between a husband and wife. Including e-mails, voicemails, etc.

    I feel like if there’s always the open communication, there’s no reason for her to feel like she needs to snoop.

    I dunno…Does that make sense?

  4. About the email reading you are absolutely correct: emails are private! So she did wrong in her turn, I admit. I guess her mistrust is nesessarily only about you – there might be older issues you’re not connected at all and she is not able aknowledge. I think I must agree whit others that it seems to me that you both need help – and don’t think it is only your fault.

    I don’t think the money is the real issue here. I am sure if you tried you could come to an agreement that you both could be happy with. Money is so normal problem in marriage as people do have different tendencies. There is no right and wrong way. I would get terribly frustrated, if the other would be spendign lavishly while I was saving. But that would be MY frustration.

    There seems to be more serious problems in your marriage really… Better not wait too long before doing something.

  5. Oh, BTW. I’m hurt because she’s hurt and I don’t feel she deserves this after already having this argument with you regarding lying and already getting over that hurdle. Why do you do it again and have her go through this “betrayal/trust issue” all over again. I don’t believe you’re justified AT ALL in saying that she’d get angry, when you know that she’d be more angry when she found out you lied again. And, we wives always find out when husbands lie.

  6. Yes. I did run down the list of any unprotected sexual partners. You know my husband and you are welcome to ask him. Additionally, we both got tested before having unprotected sex and getting pregnant.

    My intention is not to attack you and if you want to have this conversation in person, I am more than willing. It just seems you speak without thinking first and your response certainly did not explain that you’d been tested.

  7. 1) SurrogateWife being close to the situation does explain the intensity of her comments. I was wondering about that.

    2) You have a newer blog?

    3) My objective opinion about your sexual history and how you both found out about your son: Most people I know have had unprotected sex with somebody they were dating. Yeah, it is not wise, but I don’t think you deserve to be berated for it — especially if you *both* found out at the same time about your child.

    What wasn’t cool was communicating with him behind her back. I’m not sure what purpose that served except that you didn’t want to hear her concerns about it. Thing is, your marriage consists of *both* of you, and so she did have a right to know. This is your (as in the two of you together) child’s brother.

    Anyway…again, I really think that it would be SO helpful for *both* of you to be in counseling again.

    Here is why I think it would be good for you as individuals, and then together: 1) she has issues as a woman who was sexually abused with her sexuality 2) you have issues with her issues on sexuality 3) because of those issues, you appear (just from the blog, that is) to be a bit off-balanced in the importance you are putting on the sexual aspect of the relationship 4) because of those issues, she appears to be a bit off-balanced in the lack of importance she is putting on a healthy sexual relationship as a woman and in her marriage, and 5) you both seem to have trust and communication issues stemming from her lack of trust of men in general and your view of “full disclosure” being like “answering to her like she’s a parent”…

    I know…here I go being all “Dr. Phil”…lol

  8. Oh, BTW. Before I got heavy into dating someone I had gotten tested for anything under the sun. All clear.

  9. So, you mean to tell me that when you got with your husband that you ran down a list and you asked him to do the same? I dont think so. This happened a year prior to us even dating. Did I have unpretected sex, yes. Do I know what an STD is yes. your making me out to sound like some caveman of a guy and husband. Your close to the situation, you have gone from giving your opionion to attacking and it’s not called for. You want to attack, feel free I just asked that you do it in person instead.

  10. 1) What do you mean “HUH?” It doesn’t matter when, what matters is that it happened and you didn’t tell her. Yes! You do have to come clean about all prior relationships if they were relationships where you had sex without protection.

    From your reaction to my comment, I’m assuming that this no-protection scenario was a regular thing for you. UGH! That puts you and eventually her at risk for an STD.

    You really aren’t that naive are you? To think that you can have unprotected sex and you don’t have any risk associated with it. The risks (and even my 11-yr. old knows this) are: pregnancy and/or an STD. So, please explain to me how, as you say, “No chance of an STD either.” ???

  11. 1) HUH? This happened prior, WAY prior to us ever even dating. the boy was already a year old by the time I found out. So, I didnt know either. No betrayal there, No chance of an STD either. or, should I have disclosed a full run down of everyone I had slept with prior to dating and or marriage?

  12. 1) Even though you found out together, it was still a betrayal to your wife. You were already together and you knew you’d had “relations” with a woman without protection and hadn’t told her. This is lying by omission and ultimately a betrayal. Even without the pregnancy, you could have subjected her to an STD. You are smart enough to know to prevent a pregnancy by using a condom. The blame lies on you and your son’s mother, but definitely not on him.

    2) Because of the MANY instances in which you’ve lied, lied by omission (same thing), and betrayed her trust, she has no reason to believe a single word you say. Harsh, I know, but very true. You could say “I’m making chicken for dinner.” and she’ll think “Really? Is he telling the truth?” Trust me, I know. For women who’ve been through sexual abuse, trusting our husband is already a very difficult thing. Trust has to be earned and I have to tell you, you are severely deficient in this catergory. Should things between you and your wife even have a chance, you have to come clean, apologize and EARN the trust back. Even if that means that you are honest and trustworthy consistently for over a year. It is your fault she doesn’t trust you right now, not hers. You lied… more than once. Regardless of how she would have reacted, she deserved to be told the truth. You lied, AGAIN. That’s asking for it, buddy. I’m surprised that you’re surprised at her reaction to go to her Mom’s. Especially since the first time you lied (text messages) she told you that she was most upset about the lie, not the contact.

    3) The money thing isn’t even totally about the money. Again, it is the trust. If you were trustworthy, you’re small spending wouldn’t bother her. Because you are not, she feels the weight of all of the bills and financial responsibility fall on her shoulders. That is the reason it is like a parent/child relationship. Once you’ve gained trust back, this should change.

    4) You have a completely ignorant view of marriage counseling and “husband” counseling and I will comment on this subject to your newer blog. Check it out there.

  13. They are worth a lot, everyones is..

    1) I / we didnt know about the child until we were already into the relationship. We both found out together.

    2)I can as well. I still feel it was wrong though.

    3)I’m glad I’m not the only one about the little stuff. I, probably as you didnt see the bigger picture at the time.

    4) She has stopped. After nothing came about with her father, she felt like why bother. I can go, I already know whats wrong with me. I just have to be more diligent on working on them. I also dont want to go there and have it be a bitch session for me to talk about my wife either. I’m not close minded and am willing to go I just dont know what my wife really expects for me to gain from it. I guess I’ll have to go and see.

  14. My thoughts, fwiw…

    1) You should have told her about the child at the point where you were dating and saw that the relationship might get serious. If you didn’t tell her until later, then she has EVERY right to be UPSET and every reason to question what else you aren’t telling her.

    2) Because of that mistrust, I can certainly understand why human nature would have gotten the best of her and she looked at your e-mail. Try to look at the situation through her eyes.

    3) The money thing is something that you guys have got to come to a compromise on if the marriage will continue. My ex and I had major differences of opinion on money, and it was a huge issue. I was the same way you are…I work hard and damnit, I’m gonna enjoy that $1.49 fountain drink from the gas station every morning! Meanwhile, he added up all of the $1.49s for the month and threw that in my face. It was a sucky feeling.

    4) PLEASE tell me you guys are in counseling. I’ve been reading your blogs for a few months now…and for real, man…I would suggest both of you do separate counseling and then sessions together. Otherwise, I fear that things will never get better and your marriage is doomed.

    Here’s hoping that you both can get through this rough time.

  15. I have been honest. When I do she feels that I’m pointing the finger back at her. So, where does that leave me. I try and be honest with her and she feels that I’m turning it around on her. She feels that I dont give her a chance to show me that she will react differently then she has previously. So, I didnt say much. I dont have an option either way.

    With the boy. When she first found out, UPSET. When recently contacted by the mother, UPSET. When she found out that I had spoken to the mother, UPSET at first then accepting, as long as it wasnt going to take place anymore. So, based on that wouldnt anyone just avoid the situation all together?

    Also, when she realized she was logged into my Gmail account. She should have logged me off and then herself on. She decided to read the emails and hunt around. I would have never done that, as I wouldnt have cared and out of respect for her I wouldnt have read anything.

    The money issue, yes I need to do way better on that and not make budgeting so difficult on her. I need to watch what I spend, which I know now is pretty much nothing unless I need gas in the car. I hate leftovers, so i’ll skip lunch and eat a good dinner when I get home, if she is still there and has dinner ready. (she gets home before I do and dinner is NOT a requirement)

    So, is there things I need to do better? Sure there i havent once said that I take no ownership in any of this. I’ll own up to my part. I guess i’ll have to wait and see….

  16. I think you are both to blame – as it usually is in the relationships. I can understand you – and I can understand her too. I think you should come open of your feelings and explain, how it is difficult for you to be honest because of her reaction. I try to avoid unconfortable situations too – maybe even more than you do – so I can understand you.

    I don’t think your crimes are worth of hanging. Sometimes you just have to confront icky situations to get through them – if you don’t do it now – it will haunt you later. Use your kid and your fear of loosing him as your motivator. Good luck!

  17. I do miss her but I dont miss feeling the way I do. I dont tell her things for the reason of how she’s reacted in the past. Is this fair to her, no. I then think, I should tell her but I’m going to hear something about it, made to feel guilty or somthing else, why bother. I know it’s not the right attitude to take. I’m a 36 year old man thats scared to hear my wife get all over my case. So, as a kid would do I hide whatever it might be. At the same time this is of my own doing, so who’s really to blame? Me I guess.

  18. Did you tell her that you miss her? You should! As clearly and in detail as possible! Show honesty on that. (And better not say too much about the child or she feels she’s just a side issue).

    About the money thing: there are old saying of crasshoppers and ants not going well together. I myself am mostly ant – like it seems to be your wife is. I don’t think this is woman – man thing. I think it is more attitude on money thing. It could be other ways around too. I don’t want to take sides on that. You just should be honest.

    I think you can come up some solution, if you put yourself to it. Try to work some short of deal you know you both can be happy whit.

  19. Raindreamer,

    No didnt stray. I understand the money thing and I will admit I’m not the best at it. I feel, I work so I should get to do soemthing I want to with some of the money that I earn. I also pick up freelance web design projects. I look forward to the money that I earn from those. Most of the time now it’s already allocated before I get it. With the freelance projects, it comes out of my time. I would like to be able to say how the money is going to be spent.

    Just got off the phone with her a few minutes ago. Weird talking to her, like there was now this “seperation” feeling. Like we are already disconnected in some way. Asked her if she was going to come home tonight. Her response was that she didnt know yet.

    Being honest the seperation from her is rough as I do miss her, but the seperation from my 2.5 year old son is killing me.

  20. Lots of hugs to you. It’s not easy. Separation is hard. The uncertainty is difficult to cope with. I hope you guys can sort this out.

  21. Just one question: Did you stray on her? I mean is the child result of you cheating her? If not, I can totally understand you on that. I think she is unreasonable. On the other hand, if you did…

    Anyway: Good luck!

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