I Feel Horrible


Why do I feel like such a bad guy? I didnt think I was. I sit here in my cube not really being able to concentrate with a knot in my stomach. I just want things to be better. I want my wife to love me. I want there to be peace in the house. I feel like crying but can’t do that sitting here. I’ve been holding it back all day. I’ve gotten what I feel is a little beaten up on my own blog from comments too. That’s ok though. I dont sensor anything, its what they feel and they have a right to be heard, even if I might not agree or like whats being said.

I just want us to be happy. To enjoy our lives and love eachother. I know what I want, I just dont want to feel as if I’m the only one that has to work on getting it.

I just want to love her, her to love me and things to move smoothly throughout life.

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~ by Frustrated Hubby on September 25, 2007.

8 Responses to “I Feel Horrible”

  1. Firstly I want to offer you hugs. It’s hard to go through this and there is no ‘easy’ way out. I want to advise you to read “His needs, Her needs’ The TWO of you must read it. It’s a brilliant book to work through together. It will give you insight on what she needs and it will be an eye opener to her as to what you need too.

  2. yeah, what tobeconfirmed said…

  3. Tried and convicted for corresponding with your Son. That’s amazing! This is ludicrous. Did she really think you would ignore your child? How can she get hurt or upset over you building a relationship with your child? How would she feel if she was the mother of that child? Would she rather you be a deadbeat dad like so many others? That is absolute hogwash, and I am incensed by reading the comments from SurrogateWife attacking you.

    They act as though you were sleeping with another Woman or building an intimate relationship with another Woman. Calling you a liar, is that really necessary? Those were straight out attacks and SurrogateWife really should apologize to you. If anything your Wife should be proud to have a husband who tries to take responsibility for a child he didn’t even know about.

    Come on lets be realistic here, you’ll always be your son’s Father regardless of what happens with your current marriage. I hope you guys work things out, but I think your Wife’s past and choice of friends(SurrogateWife) is really pulling your relationship down. If she can’t trust you now, will she ever? She spies on your emails and doesn’t find you having online sex, she finds you corresponding with your Son. Who’s wrong here? This is like some nightmare in Bizarro world. If that’s wrong then you’ll never be right. I liked Ginger’s approach much better, she was calm and had good advice.

    At this point I think SurrogateWife is a hindrance to your Marriage if she can attack you like that so coldly. This is between you and Your Wife. Ask your Wife to come back home so you two can work this out like Adults. I’ve never been to counselling and nor do I plan on it, but if that’s what you guys need to get things back in order, and if you both truly want to be together, then do it. I really think your Wife can benefit more from it. I would do it if I had to.

    I am like you, I trust until given a reason not to trust. We ran into some financial problems when I was out of town last month and my Wife tried to hide it from me. Of course I found out about it before she told me. But I pressured her into telling me without letting her know I knew. I gave her the chance to come clean and she did after me asking multiple questions around the issue. I didn’t want to accuse, berate or make her feel guilty for making some honest mistakes. I told her in the future to let me know what’s going on(since she handles the finances). I let her know if she needed help with them, that I am happy to help, and to not hide things from me. SO far so good. That was the only trust issue I ever had with her. And hopefully I’ll never have a trust issue with her again.

    My point is that this is not a relationship killer for you guys. Talk it over with or without counselling and move on. This should be just one step in building a stronger relationship.

    -AF1

  4. I have to agree with most of what Surrogate Wife is saying – you have messed up a bit here, and the reason you feel so bad now is that you know it. I felt like this a few months back and just wanted to undo all the stuff that I had done so that everything would be back to normal.

    The hardest part of knowing that I messed up was also knowing that none of it was intentional. I suspect that it is the same for you – you have actually gone out of your way to do “the right thing”; being considerate of her feelings and it still got messed up. The last thing you meant to happen was that your wife would get hurt. But she has.

    The way you two write about each other on your blogs shows that there is something strong keeping you together, even though there is alot that is causing you both pain. Two things I have learnt over the last few months from my marriage problems:

    1) The only person you can change is you – you can’t make your wife feel or act different, you can only modify your behaviour. It doesn’t matter what she should or could do, only she can decide if she wants to change. But you have complete control over what you do. By all means tell her what you want or need, but leave it at that. If she loves you enough (which I think she does from what I read) she will decide to change herself for the better.

    2) The problems that you both have individually now will only continue if you don’t work on them. By this I mean that if you decide to throw in the towel and leave your marriage, both you and your wife will repeat the same patterns in subsequent relationships. You will be far better of if you get together, take a long look at your own individual problems, share them and agree to work together to resolve them. You have both invested alot in your relationship to get 10 years in, so you both need to stick with it. This is where individual and couple counselling will help.

    Having said that, the individual counselling that you take up will only work if you want to change something; it won’t if you are doing it because she wants to change something in you. Take a look at your situation and you will see some things about yourself that have contributed to it that you will want to change. Those are things you will need to work on so that you feel better about yourself. Eg. You should work out why you feel that you do not want your wife telling you what to do when you get home – there is something about you that allows her to make you feel bad when she does that. There could be lots of reasons behind this, and maybe you even already know what they are, but a good counsellor will help you understand these reasons better and help you work out how to deal with them.

    I feel for you right now though – you have gone from a planned romantic weekend break to what probably feels like a break-up in the space of a few days. Take a few moments to get yourself together (or even go sick from work and find somewhere to cry your eyes out for a day – I did and that is what turned things around for me) then get in touch with your wife and start talking about how you both fix this. You can and you should, as despite the problems you both have right now, you both want each other really (10 years says so!) so you can work through it.

    Stay strong and committed to keeping your family together and you will get through this.

  5. You are not always made out to be the bad guy. That’s not true first off. Second, the reason YOU are being talked to like this right now is because YOU lied, not her. And regarding what she has to do, she will probably have to go to marriage counseling with you.

    Really, what bothers me most about all of this is the fact that you feel justified for lying and you keep getting defensive. There is no justification for what you did.

  6. Neither of you are “the bad guy.” Stop looking at it that way. The situation is extremely emotionally charged right now.

    You both love each other, and that’s awesome…but it isn’t going to be fixed over night.

    Sorry if you’ve felt beaten up…I just wanted to give some objective opinions that you, of course, can take or leave. Reading both of your blogs has really been SO interesting and I’ve learned a lot. You have my best wishes through this.

  7. What does she have to do? Why am I made out to be the bad guy?

  8. That’s what everyone wants! You don’t just get to love her, have her love you, and have things move smoothly just ’cause you want it. You have to work at it. Love isn’t a feeling, it’s an action. You have to decide to love someone every single day and work at it. It isn’t easy; it’s hard. However, it is usually worth it. At this point, because of lying, you’re going to have to work on loving her and make amends and it will be hard.

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