A Father, A Sexual Predator….A Mother, See No Evil


Allow me to explain some of my wifes background as I know it. It might give you some insight as to why I started this blog and also to what happens when a trusted parent does something horrible.

My wife and I love each other, that I know. There are however HUGE issues that my wife carries around with her on a daily basis. They have formed her to the person she is now and who I love and deal with daily.

A Father,
Her father used to molest my wife from what she can remember the age of 13 or so to about 18 and lesser things to about 19. Her father used to masturbate in front of her, with the explanation of he was “showing her what semen looked like.”  He was an avid photographer and used to take pictures of her in poses that most fathers wouldn’t think about. He used to take showers with her and have her masturbate him. There might be more but I cant remember it. There is, what I’m sure of a great deal more that has been blocked by her as well.

A Mother,
She approached her mother, the one person she was looking to protect her and she got nothing. Her mother asked the father to seek counseling. You guessed it. He never went. She then sent my wife off to counseling think it would help her deal with the situation. This was a WMD in more ways then one.

The Ex Boyfriends,
The ones that saw her as easy prey. Ones that would force her to perform acts she disdained. All the while doing them for she felt in order to be loved and not “hated” as she calls it would give in.

The Husband,
As a guy sitting on the outside you can see things the other person can’t. I could tell my wife had issues with her mother but never addressed them. I had been begging my wife to see someone to talk about what she went through. She found and kindred soul, someone at work that had gone through the same thing. She has opened up my wife to the idea of talking about it and she is now in counseling, on the 3 or 4th session.

As the husband you try and see her for, not who she is on the out side. The crap that others have piled on and the walls that have been constructed. But, the beautiful person that makes an appearance every so often. The one that smiles and is care free. The one that enjoys making love to the one she loves. The one that feels she’s worthy of being loved and allows someone to do just that.

Conclusion,
Now you somewhat understand that on a daily basis I deal with a person that not by her doing but by the doing of others has built a fortress around herself. One that doesn’t trust, mostly men. One that has had the fun aspects of sex and making love stripped from her, never to be regained again as if it was fresh and new. One that hasn’t admitted it but feels unworthy of being loved. One the truly doesn’t know what to do with love that is being freely handed to her, both from me, my 10 year old daughter (that she has been in her life since 18 months old). The only person she can except love from is our 2  and a half year old son. One of these days things will change and I have to wait them out. It won’t be easy but then again I didn’t think life, love and marriage were going to be. So, here I sit writing out my feelings to people I hope read this and share it with someone. That they take something away from my stories and rants and it helps them even in the smallest of ways.

Till next post……..    Thank You

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~ by Frustrated Hubby on June 27, 2007.

8 Responses to “A Father, A Sexual Predator….A Mother, See No Evil”

  1. This is such a tough situation. And it’s wonderful how you stand by her and are patient. Blogging is so theraputic. It is a way to get all of it out there. A kind of release.
    Great people often are tested by the awful people in the world–even from the people they are supposed to be able to trust and seek protection from…
    One day at a time, and your love, that is what is important.

  2. Wow. My heart goes out to both of you. I’m sure that somewhere in the back of her mind, she still believes that sex is dirty. I wasn’t abused, but had a lot of really warped teaching of sex to me when I was younger, and it affected my marriage, too, because even after we said “I do.” there was still a warped sense in the back of my mind that what I was doing was wrong.

    I am so sorry you guys are dealing with it. For the life of me, I will never understand how somebody could take advantage of a child.

  3. No, Sorry I mean my wife. Also, thank you coming back so strong and passionate. Thats what I wanted for and from this blog. To open up dialog between people and to somewhat show honestly what a guy is thinking.

  4. Yeah, but Hubby, that’s kind of BS. You said “The wife could go without for months or longer in some cases..”

    Do you mean YOUR wife? Or wives in general? If you mean YOUR wife, well, yes, after all she’s been through, if she thinks you just want to “get laid”, that might bring up painful memories for her. Are you talking about sex? or making love. Because there is a difference.. If you have some foreplay, and talk to her.. tell her how wonderful she is.. all that stuff.. she’s probably going to be a hell of a lot more willing than if you say – “Hey, let’s have sex.”

    If you’re talking about wives in general? Don’t talk about wives in general. I’m a woman (formerly married, now dating), and to make it sound like women can go casually without sex for months or loner is BS. In some ways, we’re just like you.. We want to get laid or make love, too. And as a GENERAL rule, if you show us that you care, and that it’s not all about you, then we’ll WANT to take care of your needs in bed.

    I hope this doesn’t sound negative. I don’t mean for it to be. I’ve really enjoyed reading your blog.

  5. It’s a double edge sword for both. Due to the fact that we do love you we dont want it to seem like work at all. If we know your history then we understand where the issues come from as well and try as best as possible to be sensetive to that as well.

    What makes it difficult on us is yes, there is the fact that as men we want physical lovin, as well as the mental. We want our wives to understand that we have needs as well and go only satisfy ourselves for so long. Blindness starts to set in and then it’s all down hill from there.

    The wife could go with out for months or longer in some cases. But, we cant. So, how do we not make you feel like your a piece of meat, and also show you that we need and want to make love to you?

  6. Yes. It’s true that men take that away from women. I myself were abused. Badly so. It took me ages to get over it. Some days I still haunts me.
    Something that still gets to me (and maybe you and other men can learn from this) is that men talk as though women do them a favour by having sex. That sex is more about and for the man than the woman. That makes it feel as though it’s a ‘job’ for the wife…not a share passion.

  7. Yes, she has started seeing someone to talk about it and the other issues that stem from it.

  8. Wow, that’s a really difficult situation that you’re in. Is your wife seeing a therapist now?

    Though I can’t say I’ve been there, two of my family members have been in extremely similar situations, and it’s really discouraging to know that people who were supposed to protect them turned a blind eye to the situation.

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