Like sand through fingers, I feel it’s slipping away…

I love my wife dearly and there’s not really much more I can say about that. I’m ecstatic that she is now going to counseling and starting to deal with the issues of the past. Some where over the past month or so all affection from her seems to have vanished. This really hurts as one of my love languages are signs of affection. I have to touch and feel the person I love. This doesn’t have to mean pure sex, although it would be nice but just anything. My wifes been distant and there’s nothing I feel I can do to change that.

My wife made mention in one of the first sessions that if things didn’t change that she felt that our marriage was done in a year. It almost seems like she wants this to come true. I spoke to her tonight and told her I loved her and that I knew she didn’t feel the same. There was no response. At this point it just hurts. If this is going to end the just do it now. Don’t prolong what is in her heart. Just do it and save me the misery. Allow our sons 8 and 5 to hurt, get over it and move on.

I wanted something different for this life. I don’t think I’m going to end up where I wanted to. It’s hard to always be up. To not crumble under the weight. I’ve tried and now feel broken. Fuck, this sucks. Writing this through tear filled eyes wondering when she’ll tell me it’s over. You know, I sit hear shedding tears, yet I know she hasn’t shed one. She doesn’t speak of the loss or how it would hurt. I really don’t think it would bother her.

G’night

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Pain & Healing

With my posting about a sister wife I really hurt my wife’s feelings, for that I’m truly sorry. I see words in most cases as words. Thoughts that in most cases are meaningless. That posting lead my wife to ask questions if I had cheated. To me just speaking some words off the top of my head about some concept doesn’t constitute that the action is going to happen.

My wife read the blog post Marriage isn’t for me. Here is an excerpt from that post:
“Seth, you’re being totally selfish. So I’m going to make this really simple: marriage isn’t for you. You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn’t for yourself, you’re marrying for a family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but for your future children. Who do you want to help you raise them? Who do you want to influence them? Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.”

My wife said she sees me do this for her but she doesn’t do this for me. Her telling me that was huge. She sees this and could then start to take steps to healing. What I mean by healing is dealing with the effects of the things her father did to her. We started going to counseling and now she’s going on her own. This is huge! It’s important, not just for us and our family but mostly for her. See, even though I feel insignificant to my wife, my needs are not thought about and when they are it’s a chore instead of something for the person you love. I will not give up on my wife. For some of you the stories are different. Some are more harsh then others. Yet, I know where these issues come from with my wife and choose to stand by her through it. Yes, sometimes I think that I’ll be in my 50’s wondering why I wasted so much time and that then it will be to late to truly be happy with someone meeting my needs just as much as them meeting mine. I don’t always so the right things, do the right things, be the right husband or dad but I try and I’ll be there.

I know my wife will read this and I wanted to say that for the pain that was caused I’m truly sorry. For the healing, I’ll be here.

I Love You,

A sister wife, Why not?

Polyamory having a wife and then a sister wife. What are your thoughts on this? Why is it that my wife wants me to go through her misery with her? It seems selfish right? Then again she feels no empathy so it’s difficult to understand what someone else is going through. So, with a sister wife I feel it would be the best of both worlds for everyone. She would have some one she could confide in. An adult that would give her a chance to interact with instead of kids 24/7. It would give someone who would help out and share the up keep of the house etc. Not like a maid but you know what I mean just general stuff like any person in the house would do. Sex, yes. let’s talk about that. Would I get to have sex with her? Of course. Why not. This is something my wife really doesn’t want to do anyways so outsource it to someone who does. It also gives me the opportunity to not always be thrust into a dark place but to feel normal on one side and also working with my wife to overcome what she’s going through.

I know, I must sound like a jerk and that I just want my cake and eat it too. But, what if she picked out the person. We went on dates and she was comfortable with her? I love my wife and that wouldn’t change. But, isn’t it possible to also be in a relationship with someone else as well and not lose the relationship that we have invested so many years into?

An update to nothing new…

I haven’t updated in a very long time. I’ve been trying to figure things out. I do love my wife with all my heart but having kids makes me feel trapped sometimes. Our sons are young and both her and I went through divorces. Something I never wanted to put my kids through. Some time back I gave up being frustrated. It got me no where. I came to the realization that it wasn’t me. That it didn’t matter what I did there was no “making” my wife happy. She has to want to be happy and stop keeping herself as the victim for what her father and others did to her.

I’ve come to see that my wife has no empathy at all. She literally can’t put her self in someone else’s place and understand what they might be feeling. My wife went cold turkey on taking her Cymbalta. Something you’re not supposed to do at all. It was rough going through it but now there is nothing there to dull her from everyday things. Things that anyone else could allow to not bother them but is the end of the world to her, thus making it an issue for me. My wife doesn’t want to confront things. She likes to turn and run or hide. Thinking that whatever it is will go away. This mechanism comes from her dealing with her molestation issues from her father. She deals with them by not dealing with them.

One of my biggest fears on a daily basis is for our sons who she is homeschooling and around 24/7. She is showing them how someone deals with situations and in most cases it isn’t well. I interject myself as much as possible to counter act what they’ve seen. My wife needs to sit and talk to someone but she refuses. She looked at me and said “if I were to go I would tell them what they want to hear.” “Then again, I wouldn’t go because it would feel like you were commanding me to go.” There was a tone of defiance in her voice when she said this. She said SHE needs to look at herself and say to herself that she needs to go get help. I know this will never happen as it will cause her to look inwards and she’s said she doesn’t like what she sees there. That she doesn’t like the person who is on the inside. When in the heat of a discussion she’ll mention that “YOU” called her broken and that she needs fixing. When in reality I have never uttered the words. But, it’s how she feels about herself.

Sex, yeah. It’s the same and it wont change. She sometimes just rolls over and gives it up. I offer toys, to do things to her first. To ONLY do things to pleasure her and nothing for me and that doesn’t change the situation. I’ve come to realize that I’ll never get the person I want in the bedroom. The sex has become stale, boring and predicable. Yet, when I ask her to help me, to give me some instruction on what she might like. I do that the next day and she says it wont work. WTF?!! This is exactly what you told me the night before of what WOULD work. See how this can get confusing?

The hard part is that I know she was MADE this way due to the events she went through. I just can’t give up on her as it wasn’t her fault but she needs to learn on how to move past those events and look toward the future.

Life, Ughhh

The Sex
So, I thought things had changed even for the little bit but alas nope. I climbed into bed the other night and simply looked at my wife and stated, “so, how about we make mad passionate love to each other?” I was then told “wow, that was romantic. Why didn’t you just come over and start kissing me and see where that got you?” I’ve done this before only to get excited and then shot down. Sometimes it feels like she likes to see me get super horny and then blow it up. Just to have me come crashing down. I attribute this to a power issue. When she was molested by her father she felt over-powered. I could see this as a way of her not consciously but unconsciously that she’s in control. I’ve spoken to counselors and they have agreed with me in the past. So I know I’m not to far off the mark. I could quickly see this situation going down hill, I grabbed the back of her head and with a hand full of hair proceeded to just kiss her passionately. This lead into a great love making session and all was well. Fast forward to the other night, I tried the same thing per her request and I get a limp fish. I ask whats wrong and she says that she’s just not in the mood. Mind you a week had gone by since the previous session. My wife has no “ON” switch. Most women I had been with had something that they loved and would get them turned on. I do what my wife asks and it works once, then fails the very next time. This is hard for me to grasp as I don’t know what will or wont work. Hence my just asking sometimes. At least I know what I’m stepping into. Otherwise it’s like stepping into a mind field blindfolded.

Life
Launching  tech startup hasn’t been easy. I still work a full-time 40 hour a week position so I can continue to pay the bills. My startup now has 5 of us that all feel that it’s going to make it or at least give it a go. My 7yr old son came up to me the other day and said that I spend to much time in the office and if I could come out and spend time with him and his brother. This made me feel horrible. So I instantly got up and went to play. While it was great to be with them I felt that I was also not moving forward with the startup.

I’m not bitching but here are some of the things I deal with:

• Husband to a wife that has emotional issues stemming from sexual abuse at the hands of her father over 5+ years.
• Daddy to 3 great kids. 15 year old girl who lives with a controlling, untrusting mother. Oh, I happen to now have to pay her $1026 a month until my daughter is 25. our 2 boys 7 and 4. I also have a 14 year old son that I’ve never met, yet calls me dad when I speak to him on the phone, that’s weird.
• My parents have now moved in with us. I like them being here. I have someone that I can vent to if needed.
• A wife that flat out refuses to go back to work and will come up with any excuse on the planet as to why not to.
• I’m launching a tech startup. There’s a bunch of stuff with that. One thing is the lack of time that I really need to devote to it.
• I pay for everything. I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. My wife doesnt seem to understand that at all. I can’t get sick, I can’t take time off, I just have to deal with things as they come up and roll with it.
• My limited edition car just took some major engine damage to the point where I’m going to have to rebuild the engine to the tune of roughly $8000 US. We’re now down to one car.
• The house that we had built in late 2003 had mold and Chinese drywall issues that almost killed our son. We left and now 3 years later I owe over $300,000 on a worthless house that new, was half that.
• I’m worried daily that something could happen with my position that could allow all of the above to come crashing down as we live pay check to pay check. This is why I would love for my wife to help add a safety net in case something happens.

Whew! That’s a lot of crap that I deal with on a daily basis. You know, looking at the above. It’s sad that there’s no time in there for me. That’s whats new and whats been keeping me busy as you can see. I guess I have to wrap up this posting by saying that whatever you are doing in life. Don’t bury your head. It wont change anything. We just have to deal with it and move on.

 

Life, Business & Sex

Once again thank you to the people that read my blog. I’ve been giving it some thought and am thinking of turning this into something greater that would allow not just comments but people to post their own stories. The fact that a suggestion was made to me in a comment helps in my thought process.

I’ve been busy working on building my tech startup as well as working a 40 hour a week position, being a father to two young boys and a husband. I spend a lot of time in my home office because I have to. I’m trying to build something for the families future. So finances will be a little easier at some point down the road. So I can go on a vacation/holiday and not be worried every day that I’m gone that I won’t have a position to come back to. Sometimes here in the US if you give an employer enough time to do the same work without you. They start to ask why they needed you in the first place. I would not rather them even get that thought.

The startup is going well, but dealing with people that say they are going to do something and then flake out on you is something all together in itself. I have to keep moving forward they just become speed bumps to where I want to get to. What did kill me last night is my 7 year old son comes in with watery eyes and asks if I can go play with him or if I’m to busy working. His question brought tears to my eyes, we both hugged and cried a little. He doesn’t get what his dad is trying to accomplish and frankly doesn’t care. He just wanted to spend time with me. I’ll admit it’s been hard juggling everything. For me, working for someone for 20 years doing the same thing, will stable is a slow death. I feel there has to be more to life then that. There has to be some adventure. We have to want more and try and reach for it, whatever that may be. I promptly got up and we went to the game room and played pool for a few games. I’ll do it again this evening. I realize I can’t sacrifice our friendship, my being a daddy to him and his brother for their future. That they would rather have me here NOW and the future will work itself out. It’s extremely hard for me as that’s not who I am. I always have to have something to reach for.

Ok, the sex part..Over the weekend my wife was having a very bad tension headache. She was out of it the entire weekend. I left her alone as I knew it would be rude and selfish of me to even try. I went to bed last night as roughly 11pm. I’ve been exhausted. Thinking takes a lot out of you. Ok, stop chuckling to yourself now..  On Monday my wife comes up to me and says “hey, I know you would have liked to get some lovin but I just wasn’t up to it. Sorry” That was nice and I said no problem I understood and that was it. Real communication and we were both good. Back to last night. My wife comes in at sometime after 12am. She wakes me by getting in the bed. I gently touch her on the hip and well. I was raring to go. She asked what I was doing as I was sliding her panties off spooning behind her. “Making love to my beautiful wife” was my answer. She proceeds to lay on her side and allow me to go at it. I know she just gave in and wasn’t into it but felt that due to her not being able to over the weekend, she gave in. I would almost rather have had her say no and then enjoy it for herself as well this weekend. So, I owe her.

Never Give Up, You never know what might happen.

I have to share on whats going on. I work in the technology industry. I’m whats called a User Experience Architect, been doing this for 15 or so years. Due to working in technology, while the pay on an hourly contract can be upwards of $120/hr. With my average yearly salary of $140,000. These positions sometime last and other times do not. It gets frustrating. As with most technology oriented people we are always thinking of the next Instagram. Hoping to find and launch that next big thing. When your young, you do it for fame, money, glory etc. Now, I just want to be able to take care of my family and not have to worry financially. I cam up with a concept towards the end of last year. I reached out to a mentor of mine and asked him what he thought. My way of validating the concept. He was a VP level at a big technology company here in the US. So, if he thought it was crap, I would have moved onto the next idea. Well, he loved it and wanted in. So, he’s now my co-founder.

We’ve been working on this not writing code but from a business standpoint since then. I’ve researched technology, competitors, from A-Z and beyond. I dont write complex code, something this would need. I reached out to another friend, he liked the concept but was tied up. Months went by and the more people I networked with liked the idea as well. Again, vetting the concept all along the way. At any point I could have ditched it. Well, I speak to my friend again. Let him know that if we had a demo I have the funding people ready to allow me to pitch them and invest what we need to quit other jobs and work on this full time.

Well, he built it yesterday. In a freaking day!! It’s rough and needs clean up but the damn thing works!! I was asked to go to a networking event to meet with some fellow mentors for an up coming tech startup weekend where I’ll be assisting them on their design. While there I ran into a VC, Venture Capital investor that I know. He asked what I was working on. I let him know and his words were, “I want in!!” as he said 3 times over.

Without even having it built yet, I’ve been a busy bee and a few companies want to test it out when we’re ready. Like, the World Bank, The IMF, The US Federal Communication Commission, McDonalds, and a few others. They can test it all they want and for free.

Besides that I had been out of work for the past 3 or so weeks. We paid half this months rent, not knowing were next months was going to come from. I can pick up another project but in some cases it can take upwards of a month before things get going. My wife wasn’t worried but I sure as hell was. Well, I got a call from a recruiter last week. “We have a management position with X big technology company 30 minutes from your house. Would you like us to submit you for it? UHHHH, Yes please!! They did and I got an interview the next day. I aced the interview. I’ve been told that I can speak really well. So, selling myself isnt a problem. When you’ve held as many positions as I have you get real good at the interview process. They made me an offer and cancelled all their other interviews. Then I had to wait over a week for a background check to clear. OMG! That was the longest amount of time to wait.

Well, I got a call last night at 6pm. Asking me if I would like to start today. Yes! was my answer. I got off the phone and did a happy dance. I walked in today and got a lot of “we’re glad your here. You’re going to be busy.” This is a new position for the company and it’s mine to lose.

 

I’m letting you know this not to gloat. But to show you that if you push through the bad times. If you stick with it. Things will start to happen. One thing, they dont happen on their own. You have to fight for what you want to happen in your life and never, never give up. There is no reason for you to be where you are right now. YOU can make a choice. YOU do have free will. YOU and only YOU decides what happens to YOU. This isnt being self centered. But, if you do well. Then your loved ones, family, partners whatever will benefit right along with you. So many people live THEIR lives for someone else. If you have kids, little ones still at home. Then thats different and to be expected. But, for others where it’s just adults. Ask, yourself this. “Would I want to be in love with me, right now, right here?” If the answer is yes, then your golden, move along, here’s your t-shirt. If you answer no, then you have some choices to make.

If I can impart anything on those that read my blog. Is that you have to love yourself first before anyone else can love you. If you don’t love yourself, stop pissing and moaning about it and do something.