I know, its been a long time, a very long time. I haven’t posted because I havent been frustrated or upset. The reason..

I had to take care of my family and in doing so moved 250 miles away to Miami of all places. I got a studio apartment in a high-rise building on the 54th floor overlooking the city. I would drive home every Friday and return to my apartment on Sunday for the next work week. As most of you could imagine this was very difficult on me I think more so then my family. I would arrive home on Friday evening to the wife coming out of the house with a big smile and kids rushing out to meet me; it was great. The part that sucked was on Sunday, I would get in my car, pull out of the drive way only to see my 4 year old son chase me down the street until he couldn’t keep up, then turn and bow his head in loss and disappointment. In seeing this in my rear-view mirror I called my wife crying like a child; this killed me to my soul. But, it was something I HAD to do and hated it.

A Future Thought,
I had to think somewhere that with me leaving all the time my 4 yr old son was getting messed up mentally and emotionally. The thought of him being messed up somewhere down the road once again was a guilt I was carrying daily, yet knowing it was something I had to do. I expressed this to my wife and she started to feel the same way. Although she was busy taking care of the kids, house and working full time she really didnt have time to think about it like I did in the evenings by myself watching a movie or surfing the web.

Labor Day Weekend…
My wife came down to Miami with the kids for the weekend. It was nice, I went back in the office the next Tue. While I was here on my own I acquired 2 female friends that were no where near me and if they were nothing would have happened. Anyways, there were emails and some text messages etc..you can see where this is going. I get home on and I get “Do you want a divorce? HUH? I didnt know where that had come from. I explained everything, to me words are words and thats it…to her it was different. Was it not a good thing, yes. Did I see it as cheating no. Anyways, lets move on.

We had a long drawn out talk about most of the stuff I’ve posted here. I asked her one fundamental question though. “Would you want your sons to bring home a woman like you?” Her answer was NO. I told her that she is showing them what a woman, not just a mother or wife should act like. but a woman. That they would not knowing it seek out someone that had qualities just like her. The next few days were rough but there was a very sudden and drastic change.

The Change…
In the matter of really 24 hours my wife became a different woman. Someone that I didnt think was real and that it was all a short lived lie to be eroded over time. I also wanted her to make this change not for me, the kids but for herself. I also think that reading emails from other woman that stated that “your wife doesnt know what she has” “Your a great husband and father…” etc. Kind of turned things around as well. Knowing that there were others that would love to have me I guess you could say opened her eyes a little more. Sex was poured on, just not that though, but she was acting like I needed her to act. Simply, she was loving and not the cold, always thinking of the worst and always very serious person she had been. To say the least I was an still am astounded! How was it so easy? Was it an act? Is it still? I dont know but I’ll take it. I just dont understand why it was so easy and why it has been such a fight for all of these years? Why did it have to be that way? Why did it take almost losing me, and seeing herself brought home by one of her sons to wake her up?

3 Weeks and Counting……
Well, my family has been with me in the same building but I’ve upgraded to a 2bd/2ba with a den apartment still on the 54th floor. She stays home and takes care of the kids while I go out and make a living. I have to admit she hasn’t changed. Things are great. Of course there are days when things seem like they have gone back to the way they used to be and I say..”great, she’s back..” I dont know if this change will last or fade over time. I hope it doesnt. We are raising not raising little kids, but future men. Men that will find women to love, kids to make and raise on their own. We not only owe it to ourselves but to them and their future families if they so choose. It’s a very powerful thing when you really sit down and think about it.

The Future….
I’ll keep posting but not out of anger or frustration, but out of my wanting to in some way help others, as I’ve been told this blog has been able to do. To allow people to not feel alone if they are going through the same things; I’ve been there.

Just remember..  When it seems the blackest there is color. Black is made up of every color; tone them down a bit and they each will shine through.

I will be here if you need me. Ask any question good or bad. I will answer…

Well, as most of you know after being out of work for 6 months I had finally found a position in Miami, Florida. Monday through Friday I live in my apartment there, 250 miles away from my family. As some of you also know my wife had also gotten on some medication that has made things better. I’m an Information Architect for a well known company in the time share exchange industry ,its Florida so what can I say. Based on how the economy is still going I’m extremely glad to have a job and being able to take care of my family and myself in Miami. Yes, it’s hard. My 4 year old son wonders why I have to leave on Sundays; where I’m going. I Skype video with the family every evening but it isnt the same. It feels as if I’m missing so much in their lives. My youngest son is now just over 1 and starting to show his personality. Honestly, from this age on is when I start to have fun with them. There have been many tears from me thinking of them or being reminded. Yet, I dont miss the stress that comes along with it as well. Sounds kinda bad. I get all of the good stuff but dont have to really deal with the headaches of everything else.

I go out of my high-rise building right across from the bay/ocean, walk around the park, then back to a white box. Yes, it gets lonely; yet time passes kind of quickly. I go to the gym daily, work out a bit then back. I go to my office daily and back again. Friday I eagerly await the clock to show 5 and I’m out of there. On the road back home again. Some weekends are better then others between my wife and myself. I try to spend time with her and my sons; although it seems as if it’s my time to do some of the work around the house; as well as I should I guess.

So, thats it for now. I’ll post up again in the future. I’m not angry anymore. Things are the way they are and I can’t move a mountain or be frustrated about it either.

Being away from my wife during the middle of the week is well, for our sex life is interesting. I say that because when I was right there, home day in and day out. Sex with me was an after thought if that. But, now when I come home on the weekends, the quality of sex that we are having is great. She still hasn’t stepped up really; she hasn’t changed on on that front. As most of you might know. I love stockings. It’s a huge love not a fetish. I dont need her to wear them in order to finish. I would just love for her to wear them. She currently has a bad self image and I can understand where she doesnt feel sexy so they dont go on. I’ve asked, even begged and it falls on deaf ears. I know, I should be happy that I’m getting any sex and that when I do it’s quality on top of that right. I would just like her to wear something, put aside how she feels about how she looks in it and go for it, for at least 45 minutes and thats it. I guess I want her to step out of her comfort zone for me and not always think of herself but doing what it takes to please someone else.

As some of you might now, things over the past year had been rough. The economy tanked and I was one of the band that played as the ship was sinking. Well, not really. They knew it was going down. I was the schmuck on deck asking everyone why they’re running thinking I was safe at my company.

A slight recap. I was home for 6 months doing daddy day care for a 4 year old son and a 4 month old at the time. I learned what it was like to be a domestic engineer, and yes ladies I do understand what it was like when your spouse walked in, scanning the kitchen and rest of the house to see what was accomplished for the day. My wife says she didnt do any sort of thing and honestly I believe her. She didnt realize she was doing it at all. I’m not pissed at her. I just know what it feels like. I also know what it feels like to go to the play area in the mall and sit there with other “mommies” giving me a look of “shouldnt you be out earning a pay check?” Or, wondering if I was some child freak getting horny or something. I’m now on a contract through the end of the year in South Florida, Miami to be exact. I have my own studio apartment in downtown Miami. It’s cool, I’m on the 54th floor over looking the city in one of the hottest buildings around. www.50biscaynemiami.com in case you were wondering. I leave the office on Fridays, travel 4.5 hours back home to see the family. Then 3 hours back to my place on Sunday (no traffic). I was thinking of picking up a part-time job just to give me something to do in the evenings as there is no family issues or kids to deal with. I just picked up a freelance coding project for Hard Rock out of Orlando. Best part is it’s the same money as my full time job and only 30 hours a week, working from my apartment. I have a side business that does laser graffiti on the sides of buildings; just got an inquiery for me to travel to Mumbai, India for 3 weeks in Nov and Dec of this year for a Smirnoff Experiences campaign. Whooo, Hoo! That would rock! 5 start hotel, private car to and from the 5 or so events they want me to be at. Life is pretty good right now. Being away from the family is extremely hard. But, I’ve noticed has given me a chance to focus on me. I’ve gone back to the gym as my building has a huge one. I’m watching what I eat. My wife even noticed that my chest has changed even slightly, Whoo Hooo again.

I know my posts are infrequent now and I guess that might be a good thing. I’m still frustrated. Since my wife has gotten on the antidepressant meds. She is great to be around but the sex life still hasn’t really picked up. I used to be angry and upset about it. Now I realize this is just the way my life is going to be and well. You give up being pissed off.

I have noticed though that on the weekends that I am home. I get more frequent headaches, canker sours in my mouth, acid reflux issues etc. I know it’s due to the stress. I just didn’t know how much it really effected me.

OK, until next post…

PS: The title did get your attention didnt it! LOL

I took a job in Miami and am about to get an apartment down there. Roughly 280 miles from home. Easy enough to drive back to on the weekends. Amazon.com wants to fly me out to Seattle Washington for a face-to-face interview for a Sr. position and very visible project. This would also increase my salary to over $125K a year. A huge win fall for my family. I want to at least go and see what they have to say and if they make me an offer. The wife says no and to stay the course in Miami.

I understand her reasoning I really do. I’m in the same state. She and the kids can see me every weekend etc. The part thats hard on me is I have no one down there. I’m alone. When I leave my family I cry like a baby after they leave for an hour or two. I question if what I’m doing is worth the hurt that I feel. It really hurts when my 4 year old son asks to go with me. Asks when I’m coming home etc. He’s daddys boy and that just tears me up inside. I’m trying to tell me wife that having this hurt 4 times a month is painful. I would rather go through it twice a month. During the week it doesnt hurt as I’m busy and thinking about work. We talk on the phone but it isnt the feeling of having my heart ripped out of my chest.

The current job is a contract, yet again until the end of the year. The Amazon.com job is perm. The increased salary would also allow us to not only get our selves out of debt but to put something in the bank for when it’s needed. Yes, I would be across the country. But seeing them twice a month wouldn’t hurt so bad. My son as far as I can see is taking the separation from me ok, I was worried about that. I had just spent the last 6 months with him and his 10 month old brother day in and day out. This is harder on me then the rest of the family.

My father in law says that f I have to be away from the family that I should try and make the most of it while I’m gone. I also dont want to be resentful of my wife down the road feeling that she stopped me from at least taking a look and/or an offer if it was presented.

What are your thoughts?

I am going to go to the interview against my wifes wishes. But, I at least have to see what they are willing to say and/or do right?

The family just left after coming down to Miami for a weekend visit and to look at apartments. There was the familiar, dont do this, leave your brother alone etc but it’s what I had grown accustomed to. The scattered toys, the crumbs from something eaten were all there. There wasn’t the go to the beach and hang out kind of weekend, I’m sorry that they didnt get to do that fun stuff. I had my family and loved it.

I just put them all in the car and sent them off on their way back home, me wanting to follow. I’m alone here in a strange land. Even though I do speak Spanish, I can’t stand everyone speaking it around me. I know my way around now by the major roads and thats fine with me. I dont plan on making this my long term home. This is a temporary stop in order to take care of my family by me having a full time position after 6 months on not having one.

I know only being 3.5 hours from them is no big deal to some. For me it is. For the past 11 years I haven’t been alone longer then a week. Then it was on business and I knew I would be going home. The 4 year old wanted to stay with me. That killed me. The pain is describable on how it feels when he says that knowing you cant. It’s a double edge sword. I’m here for my family but I can’t be with them.

I’m so ready to go home. I’ve been asking myself is the pain worth it? I’ve never felt this kind of pain before and dont want to ever again. I’ve already noticed a position back home and have already called the recruiter about it. I’ll continue to do so. I don’t care about breaking a lease and losing a security deposit, who cares if it would put me back home. I would be out of here.

So, it’s Sunday at 1:30pm and I need to find something to do. Sitting in a hotel room missing my family is only going to make it worse. The thing I look forward to now is going to the office in the am so time passes and next Friday when I get to go home, and go through this all over again.

Yes, it’s been a very long time since my last posting. There are several reasons why. In my relationship with my wife I stopped being angry and fed up. I was beaten and just accepted that the way things were is the way they were going to be. You realize that when your beating your head up against a wall. It’s the wall that wins. So, what did I do you ask? Took a different approach.

The Approach
I openly even more so then I had before explained and expressed to my wife that she was destroying all the love I had for her. That making that final choice was becoming easier. That so many lives would be forever destroyed for that unwilling wall. She listened.

She Stops Being Angry
My wife could wake up on a daily basis and be pissed at the world. I couldnt and still cant comprehend how thats possible. You wake up from a dead sleep, sorry but being a bitch. My wife at that point in time wanted her father to pay for what he had done. For him to own up to it. I finally made a call to him. She knew I would but not when. I explained to him that she wanted a father back in her life. That the past could be left as the past and move on with the future. I left it with him making the next move to start a reconnection with him. He hasnt called and in some cases this is what made a change for her. She realized that he no longer felt he had a daughter, she could close the book on having a relationship with a biological father. She also realized that due to all of this that she was in a state of depression. I dont remember now if it was me, her or a friend that suggested she see about taking some meds. Well, she did and things changed over night, she stopped being angry at everything. It was kind of surreal as the little crap that I do didnt seem to piss her off at me. The relationship between her and my daughter changed over night; she’s the “cool mom” now.

Our Relationship
That changed as well with the introduction of the meds. Life was suddenly bearable and I could now see my other option slowly fading like a candle reach the end of the it’s wick. I was laid off in October of last year, I became daddy day care for our two sons. Thats a whole other post. This gave me time to bond with my youngest son who looks nothing like me; causing distance from me to him when he was first born. I would take care of the kids, look for a new job, launched a new side business, some what straighten up the house, do the dishes and have dinner either cooking or done when she got home at 5:30 or so. I made a good wife, lol. Even after all that she had not stepped up in the sex department until recently.

Doing What I have to Do
Fast forward to today. I’m sitting in Miami, FL in an Extended Stay “home” from my first day at a new job. I drove down last night after putting the little ones to bed. Thats the hardest drive I’ve every had to make. My 4 year old son is daddys boy and is always right there. It’s hard to be away from him, my youngest son at 10 months and my wife. I dont know how many times I’ve sat on the edge of the bed crying. I wanted to turn the car around and go home several times last night but knew for the betterment of my family I had to forge on. They rely on me for the majority of the income that comes into the house. Yes, due to the economy I have to be away from them. I’m looking for rental apartments in downtown Miami and near the beach, waiting for the next day to come so I dont have to think about missing them and hurting.

I’ll try to post more often in the future. It might not be about the same subject of my frustration as it doesnt exist anymore. I also wanted to thank those of you that have commented and followed the blog through the highs, lows, pain and frustration. Thank You, to all of you.

So, in my last posting I was going to be moving to Virgina for a new job. As it got closer and spending time with my family and 4 year old son. I came to the conclusion that the one thing I can’t get back is time. Also, my son misses me when I go to the mailbox. So, moving and being out of his life for an extended period of time, isn’t something I’m willing to put him through.

So, I’m still home. I’ve found a new position as a designer with a Sheriffs Department. It’s a county job, pay isn that great but I’ll be home every evening. One cool aspect is that I’ll get the opportunity to go to the academy for free and become a reserve deputy.

After talking to the wife sometime back, I thought she understood what I needed in a wife. Things were great for about a month. Ironically it’s when she thought I would be moving. I got the wife I had wanted. Well, now that I’m staying home. She has reverted back to the same person as before. I guess this is the life I am to lead. In some ways I feel cheated, as if I’m not going to achieve the things in life I want to. I feel I’m running out of time…

I happen to find this while surfing and I wanted to share.

1. If you think you might be fat, you are. Don’t ask us. Just get your fat ass in a gym.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it’s up put it down.

3. Don’t cut your hair. Ever.

4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!

5. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

6. Sometimes, he’s not thinking about you. Live with it.

7. Don’t ask him what he’s thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.

8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it’s not different, it’s just like every other cat.

9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.

10. Sunday = Sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

11. Shopping is not a sport.

12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

13. You have enough clothes.

14. You have too many shoes.

15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don’t expect us to like it.

16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.

17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don’t work.

18. No, he doesn’t know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We’re bound to miss sometimes.

20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

23. Your Mom doesn’t have to be our best friend.

24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

25. Check your oil.

26. Don’t give us 50 rules when 25 will do.

27. Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived.

28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

30. If you don’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.

31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

32. Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

33. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done – not both.

34. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

35. Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions, and neither do we.

36. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

37. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.

38. Telling us that the models in the men’s magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it’s certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.

39. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

40. Anyone can buy condoms.

AND FINALLY,

41. Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.