Comments on: Whats Up? http://ihaveaheadache.wordpress.com/2008/01/30/whats-up/ Sex, Life and Marriage Wed, 26 Aug 2009 01:34:32 +0000 http://wordpress.com/ hourly 1 By: Frustrated Hubby http://ihaveaheadache.wordpress.com/2008/01/30/whats-up/#comment-489 Frustrated Hubby Fri, 04 Apr 2008 22:19:56 +0000 http://ihaveaheadache.wordpress.com/?p=137#comment-489 We as hubbies want to be loved, shown love and feel loved just as you women do. We aren't some machine that just wants to nail anything that walks. That's easy. Just like it is for you. He rejected you because a BJ with no emotion behind it is just that a BJ. From you, HIS wife he wants more. A deeper more loving connection. When single we will of course take one for free. We have the mind set that's all this is, just some fun. When in a long relationship or married, we want to feel the emotional connection to the one we love. It's still fun but not as fun. Also, we know when your not into it. Trust me, we do know. Sometimes we just continue for the fear of not getting any for the next month or greater etc, sometimes we continue out of fear of what you might think of us for stopping. Just remember this. We want the something things from you as you do from us. We want to feel loved. We want to know you'll back us up. We want to know we, when we need it have a soft place to place our heads. We just happen to like fast cars, big trucks and movies with lots of explosions... We as hubbies want to be loved, shown love and feel loved just as you women do. We aren’t some machine that just wants to nail anything that walks. That’s easy. Just like it is for you.

He rejected you because a BJ with no emotion behind it is just that a BJ. From you, HIS wife he wants more. A deeper more loving connection.

When single we will of course take one for free. We have the mind set that’s all this is, just some fun.

When in a long relationship or married, we want to feel the emotional connection to the one we love. It’s still fun but not as fun. Also, we know when your not into it. Trust me, we do know. Sometimes we just continue for the fear of not getting any for the next month or greater etc, sometimes we continue out of fear of what you might think of us for stopping.

Just remember this. We want the something things from you as you do from us. We want to feel loved. We want to know you’ll back us up. We want to know we, when we need it have a soft place to place our heads. We just happen to like fast cars, big trucks and movies with lots of explosions…

]]> By: Fleischmanns http://ihaveaheadache.wordpress.com/2008/01/30/whats-up/#comment-488 Fleischmanns Fri, 04 Apr 2008 14:14:29 +0000 http://ihaveaheadache.wordpress.com/?p=137#comment-488 Indeed, I agree with Surrogate Wife and Alicia. We are often tired and simply can't get into it. But I disagree with Surrogate Wife about not being able to fake it. I think I CAN fake it, as I trained as an actress, and I think I do it pretty well. It takes a few drinks, energy, and real determination, but if I can manage to start, I sometimes (not always) end up getting into it by accident, as it were. The actual DOING of it can make you start to WANT to do it. You just have to be able to start. I have also, like Surrogate Wife, offered my husband sex as a "gift", and was shocked and insulted when my gift was turned down! Why just the other night, inspired by this blog, I offered him a blowjob, and he said no, he wasn't into it. He wanted proper sex with heat and passion (and me getting into it) or nothing. I asked him if he had any idea how many men would jump at the chanceof a "free" blowjob by me (being humorous, there!) and he said yes, a lot probably would, but if he couldn't have it his way, he'd pass, thank you very much. Talk about making special demands!!!! However, in retrospect, I shouldn't have been so shocked. He obviously wants to feel desired, loved, and wanted sexually and otherwise, and a free blowjob wasn't going to do that for him. It probably felt like charity...a crumb thrown to the poor sex-starved creature. Okay...so he has emotional needs, too, but it's hard for us to put that together with the same guy who whacks off to Internet porno sites and wants me to be in a threesome with some other man that we don't even know! It's the co-existence of the emotional needs with the taste for purely physical turn-ons that get us confused. Are they people? Or are they horny little animals? No, wait! They're both! Indeed, I agree with Surrogate Wife and Alicia. We are often tired and simply can’t get into it. But I disagree with Surrogate Wife about not being able to fake it. I think I CAN fake it, as I trained as an actress, and I think I do it pretty well. It takes a few drinks, energy, and real determination, but if I can manage to start, I sometimes (not always) end up getting into it by accident, as it were. The actual DOING of it can make you start to WANT to do it. You just have to be able to start.
I have also, like Surrogate Wife, offered my husband sex as a “gift”, and was shocked and insulted when my gift was turned down! Why just the other night, inspired by this blog, I offered him a blowjob, and he said no, he wasn’t into it. He wanted proper sex with heat and passion (and me getting into it) or nothing. I asked him if he had any idea how many men would jump at the chanceof a “free” blowjob by me (being humorous, there!) and he said yes, a lot probably would, but if he couldn’t have it his way, he’d pass, thank you very much. Talk about making special demands!!!!
However, in retrospect, I shouldn’t have been so shocked. He obviously wants to feel desired, loved, and wanted sexually and otherwise, and a free blowjob wasn’t going to do that for him. It probably felt like charity…a crumb thrown to the poor sex-starved creature.
Okay…so he has emotional needs, too, but it’s hard for us to put that together with the same guy who whacks off to Internet porno sites and wants me to be in a threesome with some other man that we don’t even know! It’s the co-existence of the emotional needs with the taste for purely physical turn-ons that get us confused. Are they people? Or are they horny little animals? No, wait! They’re both!

]]> By: Frustrated Hubby http://ihaveaheadache.wordpress.com/2008/01/30/whats-up/#comment-450 Frustrated Hubby Fri, 15 Feb 2008 14:55:21 +0000 http://ihaveaheadache.wordpress.com/?p=137#comment-450 Alicia, Thanks for the comment and telling me your story. He needs to help out a lot more. You said it right in your comment, your tired. If he doesn't do something to fix that then he will understand what it's like to go weeks with no loving. For me it's very complicated. My wife at first was very sexual. She was this way because she felt she needed to have sex in order to please the man she was with. Sacrificing herself for him. At first I took this as who she was and what I had gotten from other women in my life and loved it. I didn't realize all the pain behind hit. Over the years my wife gained the strength she needed to say no and not feel she was going to be hated for saying it. She, through me found the strength to say no to all of those people that had taken advantage of her. She then used it on me. She no longer had to please a man just for him. Yet, the damage had been done by so many others. I now pay the price for them. Alicia,

Thanks for the comment and telling me your story. He needs to help out a lot more. You said it right in your comment, your tired. If he doesn’t do something to fix that then he will understand what it’s like to go weeks with no loving.

For me it’s very complicated. My wife at first was very sexual. She was this way because she felt she needed to have sex in order to please the man she was with. Sacrificing herself for him. At first I took this as who she was and what I had gotten from other women in my life and loved it. I didn’t realize all the pain behind hit. Over the years my wife gained the strength she needed to say no and not feel she was going to be hated for saying it. She, through me found the strength to say no to all of those people that had taken advantage of her. She then used it on me. She no longer had to please a man just for him. Yet, the damage had been done by so many others. I now pay the price for them.

]]> By: Alicia http://ihaveaheadache.wordpress.com/2008/01/30/whats-up/#comment-449 Alicia Fri, 15 Feb 2008 13:48:53 +0000 http://ihaveaheadache.wordpress.com/?p=137#comment-449 One, I can relate on the working at home thing. I'm doing some oil and gas work for a friend, and getting my own business going. My dilemma is doing the computer work when the kids are asleep, because the Little Man will be at my elbow pulling at my arm, if he's up. Unless Daddy is here to keep him occupied, which isn't very often. Second, my husband, bless his heart, keeps trying, and I keep turning him down. It's not him, and I try to explain that to him, but he doesn't get it. He tells me I'm sexy, he lets me know that I excite him, but if I can't get into it, I can't fake it. I even asked him recently how long it would have to be that he'd go without before he'd look elsewhere and he said "Why would I want to?" Which didn't really answer my question, but.... I've had two kids, in two years, something I never thought I'd do. I take care of the house and everything that goes with that. If they wake up in the middle of the night, I'm the one who gets up. It's been that way since they were both born. But he just doesn't seem to realize that I AM TIRED. Period. I hope you both are able to "get back that loving feeling". One, I can relate on the working at home thing. I’m doing some oil and gas work for a friend, and getting my own business going. My dilemma is doing the computer work when the kids are asleep, because the Little Man will be at my elbow pulling at my arm, if he’s up. Unless Daddy is here to keep him occupied, which isn’t very often.

Second, my husband, bless his heart, keeps trying, and I keep turning him down. It’s not him, and I try to explain that to him, but he doesn’t get it. He tells me I’m sexy, he lets me know that I excite him, but if I can’t get into it, I can’t fake it. I even asked him recently how long it would have to be that he’d go without before he’d look elsewhere and he said “Why would I want to?” Which didn’t really answer my question, but….

I’ve had two kids, in two years, something I never thought I’d do. I take care of the house and everything that goes with that. If they wake up in the middle of the night, I’m the one who gets up. It’s been that way since they were both born. But he just doesn’t seem to realize that I AM TIRED. Period.

I hope you both are able to “get back that loving feeling”.

]]> By: SurrogateWife http://ihaveaheadache.wordpress.com/2008/01/30/whats-up/#comment-445 SurrogateWife Fri, 01 Feb 2008 13:51:47 +0000 http://ihaveaheadache.wordpress.com/?p=137#comment-445 I agree with you both, but I've been in the situation where I am not into it. And, believe me guys... if we aren't into it, we can't force or fake it! Try to remember we are already feeling ashamed and guilty for not wanting it and for the fact that you have to go awhile without it. So we think the next best thing would be to give it to you "as a gift." Not always the best decision, but we hope that you realize that we do it because we love you. WE LOVE YOU. Seriously, we do. Just because we aren't in the mood or really into the fantasy, doesn't mean we don't. I hope this helps you both understand our side a little. That said, I still feel badly for my husband and both of you. It really can't be easy for you to deal with us. I couldn't do it if I were you, so I commend you both for not finding your sexual love elsewhere. One more thing, it might help if you set the mood and take it real slow. Light some candles, clean the house before she gets home, and/or offer her a body massage without expecting sex afterwards. You'd be amazed how much a clean room/house or laundry being put away will turn us on. :-) And the 'no expectations massage' will relax us into really enjoying it because we don't feel pressured about having sex. But, this relaxing massage will allow her to acually get turned on and I can almost guarantee the sex (intimate sex) will follow. Again, hope this helps! My best wishes to you both! I agree with you both, but I’ve been in the situation where I am not into it. And, believe me guys… if we aren’t into it, we can’t force or fake it! Try to remember we are already feeling ashamed and guilty for not wanting it and for the fact that you have to go awhile without it. So we think the next best thing would be to give it to you “as a gift.” Not always the best decision, but we hope that you realize that we do it because we love you. WE LOVE YOU. Seriously, we do. Just because we aren’t in the mood or really into the fantasy, doesn’t mean we don’t.

I hope this helps you both understand our side a little. That said, I still feel badly for my husband and both of you. It really can’t be easy for you to deal with us. I couldn’t do it if I were you, so I commend you both for not finding your sexual love elsewhere.

One more thing, it might help if you set the mood and take it real slow. Light some candles, clean the house before she gets home, and/or offer her a body massage without expecting sex afterwards. You’d be amazed how much a clean room/house or laundry being put away will turn us on. :-) And the ‘no expectations massage’ will relax us into really enjoying it because we don’t feel pressured about having sex. But, this relaxing massage will allow her to acually get turned on and I can almost guarantee the sex (intimate sex) will follow. Again, hope this helps! My best wishes to you both!

]]> By: Frustrated Hubby http://ihaveaheadache.wordpress.com/2008/01/30/whats-up/#comment-444 Frustrated Hubby Thu, 31 Jan 2008 22:53:25 +0000 http://ihaveaheadache.wordpress.com/?p=137#comment-444 I would very much agree. I would very much agree.

]]> By: tobeconfirmed http://ihaveaheadache.wordpress.com/2008/01/30/whats-up/#comment-443 tobeconfirmed Thu, 31 Jan 2008 22:46:25 +0000 http://ihaveaheadache.wordpress.com/?p=137#comment-443 I have been in the "you are getting sex but don't want it" situation a few times recently with my wife. For me this was as the result of a lack of intimacy and feelings of love between my wife and I. She was making an effort to give me something she thought I wanted (sex) but actually I wanted closeness and mutual sharing. I think womens' view on men is that they will have sex with anyone at the drop of a hat. I have found this not to be true - sex with my wife when I am not emotionally connected to her (and vice versa) is not enjoyable at all. If I wanted have sex just for the sake of having sex then I would go see a prostitute - but I don't because it is more fun when you are both into each other. I have been in the “you are getting sex but don’t want it” situation a few times recently with my wife. For me this was as the result of a lack of intimacy and feelings of love between my wife and I. She was making an effort to give me something she thought I wanted (sex) but actually I wanted closeness and mutual sharing.

I think womens’ view on men is that they will have sex with anyone at the drop of a hat. I have found this not to be true – sex with my wife when I am not emotionally connected to her (and vice versa) is not enjoyable at all. If I wanted have sex just for the sake of having sex then I would go see a prostitute – but I don’t because it is more fun when you are both into each other.

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