Porn……Have a Wank
How a 4 letter word can get so many people upset. My wife doesnt like for me to look at video or images on the net and please myself. I dont see an issue in it. I understand what my wife has gone through, but I’m not doing this in front of her. Thus, I fail to see how the two connect.
Over the past weekend she has let me know that she hates it when I look at pics or video and, well “releave some tension” I told her that due to the fact of the way she looks at sex and things that have happened that I need some type of release and staying home and doing it this way is the best bet.
I’m not cheating on her with another woman. I dont run around town or something. I’m home. She has to understand that she might be able to go without for however long, but I cant. I want my fantasies to be with her, but if I can’t get them there. What’s the harm in looking at someone else that I will never come in contact with?
Wives, please explain this to me? Wouldn’t you prefer for your guy to be at home playing with himself or out screwing some other chick?
The Diary of a Sexually Frustated Husband 
Porn rocks :) I know people (some) think men are so insensitive for enjoying erotic materials but that just doesn’t make sense. In fact my whole blog is devoted to sexuality and the Bible’s view on Porn (which the short version to the lady using the Bible, the Bible does not condemn watching porn or going to a strip club for that matter, only fornication (that one sums up all the sex outside of marriage sins) and lust (imagining you and someone who is not your spouse having sexual relations). I’m a lovesick worshipper of Jesus and live my life by the Bible and not by the things that have crept in that are supposedly wrong but the Bible does not condemn (porn, gambling, drinking, masturbation, etc.). God loves sex! It was His idea, btw ;) and I thank God for porn being in a passionless marriage. My wife is uncomfortable with it as well. This sounds insensitive, but women not liking porn, is something they are insecure about and shouldn’t try to control every aspect of a faithful and loving husband life. Each sex has it’s own issues, but for women, they often fall in love with a MAN (wild and passionate, fierce even, and as I like to say dangerously good) but once they get married they try to tame him and then years later wonder why their marriage is so unfulfilling and what happened to that MAN that she married. Anywho, just me venting and getting on my soapbox a little. :)
Hannah,
I respect your opinion regarding religion. Yet your use of the word “twat” was interesting towards the end. What most women and wives fail to understand is that we do masturbate thinking about them. When we look at a video or pictures. We honestly don’t look at their face. It isn’t their beauty that does it for us. It’s the acts being performed. Hence that’s where the problem lies for most women. Most of us are not so delusional to think that we can run out and get one of those women and those of use over 30 realize that women like that are a pain in the ass and wallet in the long run.
We want those acts that we are seeing to be done with YOU, OUR WIVES. We love you and we always have. It’s when you feel that it’s ok to stop being sexy, to not care what happens in the bedroom that gets us.
So, while it might be a sin to play with yourself, male or female. Jesus allowed a prostitute to wash his feet. If I remember correctly.
While I suspect that at some point in your life either as a young lady or an adult you HAVE had your fingers in your twat as you have mentioned. Something has changed for you. Honestly, thats fine and the way you have decided to live on. For me, I’ll continue to fantasize about my WIFE and the actions and/or positions she wont do.
FAP, FAP, FAP…
I think that this is completely inappropriate. The Bible clearly states that if your hands cause you to sin then cut one off, if your eyes cause you to sin then pluck one out. This, pornography, is sinful. It’s lust, and although you aren’t out having sex with another woman, it is deeply hurtful to the wives who have to find out that their husbands have been lusting after another one. Whether she be in a picture, video, or a real life person that you may think of while masturbating.
Women see it as a sign of not being sexually gratifying to their husbands, and to deepen the wound and say “it’s not a big deal” is just insensitive. However, I know that a man needs sex a lot more often that a woman does and if it need be done, why not have your wife take sexy pictures for you to use on those occasions? I know, I know, who wants to be the weird guy that masturbates thinking about his own wife? But, why not? I, as a woman, and knowing many women – don’t know one of us who is “frustrated” with our husbands, so we look at some porn and stick our fingers up our twats. It’s just a cheap thrill that has NO excuse.
@Otis,
While this might be the case with other women in different circumstances. My wife with her history of abuse, not only at the hand of her father but previous asshole boyfriends that just used her; would cause her not to stray.
Her sexuality as a person was stripped from her by her father first off. From the age of 15-17 she was fucked around with by him. Sex to her is something she feels she “has” to do in order to keep the other person happy. Granted, some guys would like for their wives or girlfriends to just lie there and allow them to do whatever to them. But, after doing so could you really call yourself a man. A man that loves the person your with and wants them to enjoy themselves just as much as you.
So, while a lesser man would just give up, I’ve chosen to stay the course no matter how hard it is. After all, thats what I agreed to do.
Bud, if she isn’t screwing you she’s getting it somewhere else. So just shut up, enjoy your porn when she isn’t there and beat your meat in the shower. Then when you find out who is screwing her divorce her ass and find someone else. PLENTY of pussy out there.
Joey is stereotyping a little bit, but stereotypes exist for a reason. The only time a typical American woman is worth paying attention to is when she is in her early twenties and will fuck anyone and anything. Even then, she has a personality of sandpaper, but at least she is not fat yet.
Mind you, it’s not every American woman but certainly a majority of them.
Joey,
I approved your comment for the reason that I think people should have a voice and be able to speak their minds.
Yet, I will have to strongly disagree and take offense to the statement. While there are long lasting issues with my wife that she may never overcome; she is by no means terrible. The statement lumps my wife and all women up in one group.
I ask the question; Where are you from and why are the wives there so much better?
I can’t wait for your response and so do my readers.
American woman are great for sport fucking but make terrible wifes
A) I agree, why would I want myself when I can have the real thing with the person that I love. It’s when your made to feel that you can’t please or that your revolting to the other person that you will take matters in to your own hands so to speak, lol.
B) I hate the new style of porn. I have to think that a woman wouldnt like a dick shoved down her throat to make her gag. Porn has turned violent and is really a turn off in 98% of it thats out there.
C) Yes, if your “having a wank” in the car in traffic on the way to the office, you sir have a problem. LOL
D) Sure it will and isnt right on either side. I like home grown amateur stuff really. More natural and not all that slapping around and violent stuff.
E) There have been interviews with female porn stars and the question has been asked if they like to do what they are doing on screen at home. The answer that struck me the most was “who thinks that a woman loves to get slapped, gagged and used by 15 guys at one time?; I sure as hell dont. Its just a job.”
I will tread as lightly as possible on this one. I think that porn does ‘subjugate’ people (not just women) as it tends to take advantage of those who are in socioeconomically weakened states.
It does consider BOTH actors as “objects”….big boobs, a hard dick, etc.
I personally will look at porn as you do…a release but realizing that:
a) I don’t prefer it to my wife
b) I don’t like porn that is decidedly degrading or humiliating (for example, I don’t like to see some woman getting ganged on or a facial)..that IS degrading.
c) If somehow the porn takes away energy that could be best spent on your relationship or otherwise interferes in your daily life…then it’s not good.
d) even porn aimed at gays or women will subjugate the male “performer”.
e) one of the most objectionable things about porn (for me) is that it perpetuates or creates myths about what “normal” is and many people carry around insecurities based on that. How big should I be? How long should I last? (and the list goes on). On the whole that is NOT healthy.
I don’t discuss this topic with many people but it seems that for some couples watching it together is bonding. I think that a lot of people are insecure when it comes to sex and nudity so they can bash on porn all they want but I don’t think that it’s all socially ill.
The bottom line is that it doesn’t matter what a whole bunch of folks on the net think about it….it’s what you and the wife think about it. If it’s open and accepted, that’s your business.
100% KUDOS to Safemum – only a confident woman aware of herself can say this.
I would love to watch my husband get off over male or female I don;t always feel like it but love to watch him getting it off makes me come
It seems you have found something out about yourself. That your insecure in your own skin of who you are and that he loves you for you. Trust me when I say this; be thankful he’s home watching porn and not out somewhere living it.
Also, men want what they want from the person they love. Really they do. Also, porn really isn’t about how hot the girl is. It has nothing to do with the hotness of the girl at all. It’s the acts that are taking place. Maybe he would love for you to do anal but you have refused. So, he’ll watch porn to see the action taking place.
I’m not trying to be harsh or hurtful but realistic. Have you asked him why he watches it? have you sat down with him to talk to him and tell him your feelings about it, how it makes you feel?
So, while you feel that porn should be banned. It will always continue to exist as long as girlfriends and wives refuse to be the sexual fantasy that their others are looking for.
PORN SHOULD BE BANNED FROM EXSISTANCE
first off i think my man since i am engaged watchs porn and images that his friend gives him most likey beacuse there hotter then me but i HATE IT when he looks at that i see it as is like cheating ….its like example if i were to see a guy naked picture and my man to see dat he would be pissed off but for men that has a wife or so on for a man to view that makes it unfair and hurtfull …see i want a guy to only be intrested in me and me only im not selfish or anything …but all in reality PORN SHOULD
It doesn’t get any easier at forty either. :(
Read and weep…
Having managed to get to my forties without a clue about porn, I was introduced to it a few years ago by a well-meaning male friend. I found that it affected my nervous system in a way I didn’t like. Yes, I got turned on, but I also felt the competition (my body is aging and I can’t afford sexy underwear) and I felt that in trying to ACT “pornish,” I was negating all my other qualities, qualities I value and think should be valued by others. I can’t get into this “role” for more than a few minutes without feeling that I’ve left the rest of myself behind.
One thing about “today’s” porn is that it is not erotic, just merely sexual. There are so many erotic things that can be invented by two people who enjoy each other’s bodies that DON’T involve vibrating toys or thigh-highs. I think erotic creativity-within-relationship is damaged by porn.
But I understand that for the moment your wife does not want to participate in this creative eroticism with you. I have gone through times like that myself, within and outside of marriages. I have been told (and experienced) that the longer a woman goes without, the easier it is for her to go without. Whereas it may be the opposite for men.
For many women, sexual activity is too close to LOVE for them to imagine that masturbating to internet porn does not somehow involve LOVE; that is isn’t somehow stealing LOVE’S energy away from where it is allegedly supposed to go, or claimed to be still going. Men can separate the two more easily, and the entire marketplace is geared toward facilitating that separation.
One objection that occurs to me is that relying on internet porn is simply lazy, and in the end, you do NOT get the “chemistry” of another human being, which we all need desperately. Instead, you get more of your own chemistry (the problems of the porn performers and posers aside). Also, does it not affect your feelings that the porn posers have NO IDEA that you EXIST? There is no interaction here at all. Do you fantasize interaction? Or is it really just a glimpse of something they do, some posture, gesture? If so, then that IS “objectifying,” but in a slicey-dicey way, and perhaps simply cannot be helped.
This is an ages-old dilemma, and biology-related. But not always. We all have male and female aspects, and can actually affect each other’s approaches. I remember, after breaking up with a boyfriend who was highly sexual and described his responses to the world for me, I started pseudo-instinctively noticing aspects of both men and women, such as a sensual mouth here, and a bit of thigh there. Perhaps I was just adopting my estranged boyfriend’s characteristics because I missed him.
No I’m not bipolar, silly! A little crazy, but not clinical!
Wait – what? What are you talking about?
HUH? What the hell is up with your first post Stiletto? The other two are ok, are you bipolar?
Care to explain your sudden switch?
People who are secure with themselves – from my OWN personal observations and at length conversations with friends – do not in general have issues with pornography nor do they crusade against it.
To each their own.
Mmmm, I love porn. I think I own more porn tapes than my boyfriend. He’s more vanilla, too, so it’s funny when he brings over a few from his collection and we compare. He prefers sexy scenes involving couples, I prefer threesomes, foursomes, swinging, group sex, MMF, FMF, FFF, and even gay male porn.
I see nothing wrong with porn unless you’re a full blown addict like my friend. He gave himself carpal tunnel and had to take off from work for a few weeks. Considering, that is, he’s a massage therapist lol
My boyfriend is also an avid reader of Penthouse and it doesn’t bother me a bit.
“Perhaps consider the fact that by looking at porn, you are contributing to the objectification of women. Perhaps you’re not getting any because your wife is sick of being with a misogynistic, women-objectifying moron? It makes a lot of sense to me.”
That would be the same as assuming you’re a man hating dyke.
Thank you for the great comment. I do udnerstand what your saying and have in fact reduced the amount of porn that I look at. Some people really got angry with this post, thats fine I can take it. But, what they didnt read is my first post that states I love my wife, yet I can still get frustrated just as anyone in any situation.
I dont know where I get my sexual appetite. I just do. I dont see myself as addicted as I’m not looking for it outside of the home.
Ever since I can remember, bring little I was fasinated with the female form. I remember when I was little, say 6 looking up a young teachers skirt and seeing her not wearing panties, just pnty hose. This was a thrill. I would love to know where this comes from. Sometimes it feels like something I carry around with me. Like a hunger that doesnt get filled.
Once again I do thank you for taking the time to read and be understanding.
You and your wife are in a really difficult situation, no question. You sound like a great guy, sensitive, and truly concerned about your wife’s well-being and happiness. I think it’s possible I can shed some light on the porn issue – hopefully I can do it clearly.
Your wife has been used as a sexual object by men. Men who use porn use women as sexual objects, so in essence what a wife sees when her husband uses porn is her lover objectifying women. Now, I realize that men don’t necessarily see it this way, that you think it’s just an image. It’s not, though. The woman in the picture is a real woman – she’s somebody’s daughter, probably somebody’s sister, likely loves somebody, and may be a mother. In almost all cases these are women who have been sexually abused. They don’t see that they have any worth other than as objects. Your wife is taking huge steps to pursue her course of healing. To her it feels like stepping off the face of the earth. I would imagine it’s very difficult for her to not see you in the same category as her abuser when she sees you using porn, even if she tries not to. I’m absolutely not implying that you are in that category. Porn is fascinating and addictive and seems like a wonderful escape, I would guess particularly so in your situation. As I said before, you seem like a great guy, a guy any woman would be thankful for. It’s just that we women who have been objectified are so terrified of that happening to us again that we’ll do almost anything to protect ourselves.
I would second the advice above, that you spend your time expressing to your wife her absolute loveliness to you, how she is the only woman you want, tell her over and over how beautiful, lovely, desirable she is, and mean it. Every woman wants to be wanted in the way men want porn images, but we can’t possibly compete with that, so some of us respond to that competition by withholding. That your wife is even able to protest says a lot about her recovery and you are right to be glad she is finding a voice. You are likely at least partly responsible for her finding that voice. She may not express it now, but the man who sticks by her through all this will likely reap great rewards in the future, including in the area of sex.
I’ve sent a link to an interesting article about porn in the New York magazine. This comment is in no way meant to be condemnatory. I only hoped to help you understand from a wife’s perspective because your story touched me and you and your wife deserve to make it, including the prospect of lots of wife-given sex in the future.
http://nymag.com/nymetro/news/trends/n_9437/
Profem,
I looked at your blog and wasnt negative towards you.
So, I can see you haven’t read some of the other posts in my blog, yet make an assumption from one post on the main page, intelligent.
Apparently you don’t like women and that’s fine with me. Part of a healthy relationship is one that, yes includes being intimate with your mate. You would also read that it’s all just not about sex.
I find your interesting. Amuzing as a matter of fact. I could have not allowed your comment, but hey it’s your opionion. oh, so wrong as it is.
Come back to me after you have taken the time to read my blog and some of it’s other posts and comments.
If you choose not to do that, fine. Then PISS OFF! simple.
I could sit here and rip you a new ass (then again you might enjoy that)based on your blog but why bother.
Perhaps consider the fact that by looking at porn, you are contributing to the objectification of women. Perhaps you’re not getting any because your wife is sick of being with a misogynistic, women-objectifying moron? It makes a lot of sense to me.
I think it is time for the wife to chime in. I have problems with a man masturbating in front of me, only because my abuser Alan did this to me. But if my husband needs this as a release I am ok with that. What I am not ok with is him looking at pictures of other women. It bothers me that he “gets off” to them. In a since yes, it feels like he is cheating. Unfortunately I do not find pleasure in looking at them with him and therefore also can not be present when he looks and does his thing. It is a hard situation we are in. BUT given my past I truly feel my husband should understand and a mutual compromise should be the resolution. This has not been the case for us. That is just my 2 cents worth.
The words of “screwing some other chick” was a reference to what I have heard other women say.
Here’s my problem. My wife doesnt mind me doing it. She just want me doing it looking at video or pictures of other women. She said she wants it to be about her. Trust me I WOULD LOVE IT TO BE…
Example: There was one time that we started playing around. My wife told me to go get the “bullet” yes, it vibrates. Little silver egg looking thing and a life like dildo that we have. She leaned back on the chase lounge part of the couch and went for it. She acted like I wasnt even there, that was one of the cooler parts. She was pleasing herself without any thought as to what it was doing to me. She dropped those ropes she ties around her sexuality that her father placed there. That was the coolest thing!! I also learned a great deal on how she does this to herself. I used that knowledge later on to her delight. It was a win, win for everyone.
So, now down the road bit. She doesnt and hasnt done any of that even prior to filing papers on her father.
What gets me is she did some things in the past that were outside of her normal self, yet hasnt done them again? Color me confused..?
So, she wants me to think of her when I please myself, yet she really doesnt like me to plase myself at all. She feels that looking at other women over the net in pics or video is like cheating on her.
If I had new memories that she could give me. I would use those INSTEAD of someone on the net.
Also, it’s not the person on the net. As far as how they look. Thats not it. It’s what they are doing. It migh be someone flashing in public. Not wearing anything under a dress. It’s difficult to explain but in most cases I dont remember the girl but the act. so, it’s not the blonde with big boobs. It’s what the person is doing that gets me excited. If I could get that excitement from my wife, thus leaving me with mental images. Then I wouldnt look on the web.
Here’s my take on this. First let me say this though – any man that actually values a woman and has respect for her won’t say “screwing another chick”
That being said though – I don’t mind my husband watching porn and I often watch it with him. I would be pissed off if he did it behind my back though.
I have to back you up on this one Frustrated. If it wasn’t for porn I may have cheated a while back or even left my Wife. While I hate having to use porn for some type of “release” or satisfaction, what else are we to do? How can we masturbate to a woman in the shower who has no desire to please/pleasure us already? I don’t know about other men, but I’ve only done it in solitude. That would be very weird for me. My feeling is this, if she can watch me masturbate then she can do it for me.
I would be happy to give up porn for regular lovin. I would welcome that. But it just hasn’t been a reality. Most of my colleagues/friends cheat, but that’s just not me. If she cheated on me that would be the end, so I can’t do it to her. But this is why some men cheat. They go out looking for that intimacy, that passion(that existed early on in the relationship) that they are not getting at home. We want a respectable Lady in public, and we want a Freak in the bedroom(like it was early on in the relationship). Is that too much to ask? At least attempt to initiate or let us initiate more. While we don’t want you to fake it, it’s still nice to know you’re trying. You know what they say, repeated actions become habit. I truly loathe feeling like I’m a chore that has to get done along with everything else(always last on the list of course, if at all, until my frustration consumes me with anger and coldness).
This reminds me of an Oprah show I saw, where the Wife just decided to start making love to her husband every night. She had done it for a year straight outside of extraneous circumstances by the time the show aired. You should’ve seen her husband’s glowing smile. Does that have to be a fantasy for us? I haven’t given up, she is the love of my life and the only one I want to be with.
4 weeks is a long time, stick by her Frustrated, things will eventually work out. They have to right? Nice guys don’t always have to finish last do we? I sure hope not.
-AF1
Royce,
I dont want to stop. Its my only outlet when there isnt one. I feel this is a fair trade-off then going outside of the house. Something I wont do. I dont do it openly, not like I’m there while people are awake etc.
Why do people see masturbation as something wrong?
SurrogateWife,
While we could go into the entire debate over porn and women, you more so then anyone would know why that isnt possible. It would pull up negative feelings for her.
While I love my wife dearly. I dont know. It seems that things have flattened out.
if it had been like this all the time I could understand. What most of you fail to realize is that we once had a great sex life. Fun, energetic, sexy. She used to give me BJ’s. She would wear thigh-highs. I keep asking myself what happened. I think I now know.
She was still trying to please the guy she was with. She would do whatever he wanted in order to do this. I’ve heard her several times mention that I am the only guy that doesnt get extremely pissed off, screaming and yelling at her when she says no.
She has found her voice and I am greatfull for that for her. I really am. It just seems now that, voice is yelling in my direction. I’m the guy that has stood by her and will continue to do so, yet i’m also the guy being punished for all of the other crap others have done. I dont think she sees it that way. I dont know if she can.
Why does the nice guy always finish last and get screwed in the end?
Neither. For some women, myself included, porn is just another degredation of women and you watching and enjoying it will especially degrade us, your wives. If you must have “release” and your wife would prefer not to have sex, why not watch her shower and/or shave and masturbate to her?
I think reading the book False Intimacy by Harry W. Schaumburgy might open your eyes to masturbation and pornography. It does create as the title states a false sense of intmacy and can lead to destruction of an intimate relationship between a man and a woman. The book explains it but if you don’t feel like reading it then I won’t be offended. It helped my honey when he was trying to stop masturbating. He eventually stopped with much prayer and accountability.