Life, Ughhh

The Sex
So, I thought things had changed even for the little bit but alas nope. I climbed into bed the other night and simply looked at my wife and stated, “so, how about we make mad passionate love to each other?” I was then told “wow, that was romantic. Why didn’t you just come over and start kissing me and see where that got you?” I’ve done this before only to get excited and then shot down. Sometimes it feels like she likes to see me get super horny and then blow it up. Just to have me come crashing down. I attribute this to a power issue. When she was molested by her father she felt over-powered. I could see this as a way of her not consciously but unconsciously that she’s in control. I’ve spoken to counselors and they have agreed with me in the past. So I know I’m not to far off the mark. I could quickly see this situation going down hill, I grabbed the back of her head and with a hand full of hair proceeded to just kiss her passionately. This lead into a great love making session and all was well. Fast forward to the other night, I tried the same thing per her request and I get a limp fish. I ask whats wrong and she says that she’s just not in the mood. Mind you a week had gone by since the previous session. My wife has no “ON” switch. Most women I had been with had something that they loved and would get them turned on. I do what my wife asks and it works once, then fails the very next time. This is hard for me to grasp as I don’t know what will or wont work. Hence my just asking sometimes. At least I know what I’m stepping into. Otherwise it’s like stepping into a mind field blindfolded.

Life
Launching  tech startup hasn’t been easy. I still work a full-time 40 hour a week position so I can continue to pay the bills. My startup now has 5 of us that all feel that it’s going to make it or at least give it a go. My 7yr old son came up to me the other day and said that I spend to much time in the office and if I could come out and spend time with him and his brother. This made me feel horrible. So I instantly got up and went to play. While it was great to be with them I felt that I was also not moving forward with the startup.

I’m not bitching but here are some of the things I deal with:

• Husband to a wife that has emotional issues stemming from sexual abuse at the hands of her father over 5+ years.
• Daddy to 3 great kids. 15 year old girl who lives with a controlling, untrusting mother. Oh, I happen to now have to pay her $1026 a month until my daughter is 25. our 2 boys 7 and 4. I also have a 14 year old son that I’ve never met, yet calls me dad when I speak to him on the phone, that’s weird.
• My parents have now moved in with us. I like them being here. I have someone that I can vent to if needed.
• A wife that flat out refuses to go back to work and will come up with any excuse on the planet as to why not to.
• I’m launching a tech startup. There’s a bunch of stuff with that. One thing is the lack of time that I really need to devote to it.
• I pay for everything. I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. My wife doesnt seem to understand that at all. I can’t get sick, I can’t take time off, I just have to deal with things as they come up and roll with it.
• My limited edition car just took some major engine damage to the point where I’m going to have to rebuild the engine to the tune of roughly $8000 US. We’re now down to one car.
• The house that we had built in late 2003 had mold and Chinese drywall issues that almost killed our son. We left and now 3 years later I owe over $300,000 on a worthless house that new, was half that.
• I’m worried daily that something could happen with my position that could allow all of the above to come crashing down as we live pay check to pay check. This is why I would love for my wife to help add a safety net in case something happens.

Whew! That’s a lot of crap that I deal with on a daily basis. You know, looking at the above. It’s sad that there’s no time in there for me. That’s whats new and whats been keeping me busy as you can see. I guess I have to wrap up this posting by saying that whatever you are doing in life. Don’t bury your head. It wont change anything. We just have to deal with it and move on.

 

Life, Business & Sex

Once again thank you to the people that read my blog. I’ve been giving it some thought and am thinking of turning this into something greater that would allow not just comments but people to post their own stories. The fact that a suggestion was made to me in a comment helps in my thought process.

I’ve been busy working on building my tech startup as well as working a 40 hour a week position, being a father to two young boys and a husband. I spend a lot of time in my home office because I have to. I’m trying to build something for the families future. So finances will be a little easier at some point down the road. So I can go on a vacation/holiday and not be worried every day that I’m gone that I won’t have a position to come back to. Sometimes here in the US if you give an employer enough time to do the same work without you. They start to ask why they needed you in the first place. I would not rather them even get that thought.

The startup is going well, but dealing with people that say they are going to do something and then flake out on you is something all together in itself. I have to keep moving forward they just become speed bumps to where I want to get to. What did kill me last night is my 7 year old son comes in with watery eyes and asks if I can go play with him or if I’m to busy working. His question brought tears to my eyes, we both hugged and cried a little. He doesn’t get what his dad is trying to accomplish and frankly doesn’t care. He just wanted to spend time with me. I’ll admit it’s been hard juggling everything. For me, working for someone for 20 years doing the same thing, will stable is a slow death. I feel there has to be more to life then that. There has to be some adventure. We have to want more and try and reach for it, whatever that may be. I promptly got up and we went to the game room and played pool for a few games. I’ll do it again this evening. I realize I can’t sacrifice our friendship, my being a daddy to him and his brother for their future. That they would rather have me here NOW and the future will work itself out. It’s extremely hard for me as that’s not who I am. I always have to have something to reach for.

Ok, the sex part..Over the weekend my wife was having a very bad tension headache. She was out of it the entire weekend. I left her alone as I knew it would be rude and selfish of me to even try. I went to bed last night as roughly 11pm. I’ve been exhausted. Thinking takes a lot out of you. Ok, stop chuckling to yourself now..  On Monday my wife comes up to me and says “hey, I know you would have liked to get some lovin but I just wasn’t up to it. Sorry” That was nice and I said no problem I understood and that was it. Real communication and we were both good. Back to last night. My wife comes in at sometime after 12am. She wakes me by getting in the bed. I gently touch her on the hip and well. I was raring to go. She asked what I was doing as I was sliding her panties off spooning behind her. “Making love to my beautiful wife” was my answer. She proceeds to lay on her side and allow me to go at it. I know she just gave in and wasn’t into it but felt that due to her not being able to over the weekend, she gave in. I would almost rather have had her say no and then enjoy it for herself as well this weekend. So, I owe her.

Never Give Up, You never know what might happen.

I have to share on whats going on. I work in the technology industry. I’m whats called a User Experience Architect, been doing this for 15 or so years. Due to working in technology, while the pay on an hourly contract can be upwards of $120/hr. With my average yearly salary of $140,000. These positions sometime last and other times do not. It gets frustrating. As with most technology oriented people we are always thinking of the next Instagram. Hoping to find and launch that next big thing. When your young, you do it for fame, money, glory etc. Now, I just want to be able to take care of my family and not have to worry financially. I cam up with a concept towards the end of last year. I reached out to a mentor of mine and asked him what he thought. My way of validating the concept. He was a VP level at a big technology company here in the US. So, if he thought it was crap, I would have moved onto the next idea. Well, he loved it and wanted in. So, he’s now my co-founder.

We’ve been working on this not writing code but from a business standpoint since then. I’ve researched technology, competitors, from A-Z and beyond. I dont write complex code, something this would need. I reached out to another friend, he liked the concept but was tied up. Months went by and the more people I networked with liked the idea as well. Again, vetting the concept all along the way. At any point I could have ditched it. Well, I speak to my friend again. Let him know that if we had a demo I have the funding people ready to allow me to pitch them and invest what we need to quit other jobs and work on this full time.

Well, he built it yesterday. In a freaking day!! It’s rough and needs clean up but the damn thing works!! I was asked to go to a networking event to meet with some fellow mentors for an up coming tech startup weekend where I’ll be assisting them on their design. While there I ran into a VC, Venture Capital investor that I know. He asked what I was working on. I let him know and his words were, “I want in!!” as he said 3 times over.

Without even having it built yet, I’ve been a busy bee and a few companies want to test it out when we’re ready. Like, the World Bank, The IMF, The US Federal Communication Commission, McDonalds, and a few others. They can test it all they want and for free.

Besides that I had been out of work for the past 3 or so weeks. We paid half this months rent, not knowing were next months was going to come from. I can pick up another project but in some cases it can take upwards of a month before things get going. My wife wasn’t worried but I sure as hell was. Well, I got a call from a recruiter last week. “We have a management position with X big technology company 30 minutes from your house. Would you like us to submit you for it? UHHHH, Yes please!! They did and I got an interview the next day. I aced the interview. I’ve been told that I can speak really well. So, selling myself isnt a problem. When you’ve held as many positions as I have you get real good at the interview process. They made me an offer and cancelled all their other interviews. Then I had to wait over a week for a background check to clear. OMG! That was the longest amount of time to wait.

Well, I got a call last night at 6pm. Asking me if I would like to start today. Yes! was my answer. I got off the phone and did a happy dance. I walked in today and got a lot of “we’re glad your here. You’re going to be busy.” This is a new position for the company and it’s mine to lose.

 

I’m letting you know this not to gloat. But to show you that if you push through the bad times. If you stick with it. Things will start to happen. One thing, they dont happen on their own. You have to fight for what you want to happen in your life and never, never give up. There is no reason for you to be where you are right now. YOU can make a choice. YOU do have free will. YOU and only YOU decides what happens to YOU. This isnt being self centered. But, if you do well. Then your loved ones, family, partners whatever will benefit right along with you. So many people live THEIR lives for someone else. If you have kids, little ones still at home. Then thats different and to be expected. But, for others where it’s just adults. Ask, yourself this. “Would I want to be in love with me, right now, right here?” If the answer is yes, then your golden, move along, here’s your t-shirt. If you answer no, then you have some choices to make.

If I can impart anything on those that read my blog. Is that you have to love yourself first before anyone else can love you. If you don’t love yourself, stop pissing and moaning about it and do something.

FUCK THAT!! We’re not alone II

We are not alone in what I and those that have commented on this blog feel and go through. Husbands and Wives both want to be sexually attracted to their mate and want their mate to be attracted to them. A lot of us have stayed by our mates side and tried to work with them over the years. We’ve put in the time, we’ve gone through the depression thinking we are the ones with the issue, yet when you look hard enough most of the time it isn’t us that needs to be fixed or has something from their past. Yet, we still stick by them, we love them. Deep down inside I think they understand and know this. Yet, the self image, self esteem, ex-boyfriends and anything else that they carry with them daily that has shaped them into the person they are is what we deal with.

In a recent comment by a 58 year old man who does love his wife but after 38 years feels that the only way to ease his pain is to commit suicide. I have to admit I felt hugely honored that my blog gave this man a platform to speak up about the way he was feeling, and a responsibility to say something. I say FUCK THAT! You can read his posting and my comment back. In short, I feel and this is just my opinion and nothing more. You have to work your way out of it. It by no means is saying you no longer love the other person. It’s saying you’ve tried everything you could to make things better. At that point you can feel better about yourself. You’re not the one with the issue and that YOU CAN’T CHANGE THEM!

Suicide is NOT the answer. Think about it. This other person who has the issues, has gotten you down so low to the point where you want to end it? HUH how does that make sense? really? You would be gone, yet they continue to stick around. In my case it’s frustrating yes, but not intolerable. for now I deal with it and look for the little wins when they do happen. Yet, not seeing a sunset, sunrise, the grass turn green after winter and much much more is not an option. The world has to much to offer all of us. We just need to take it by the “balls” and go for it. Stop living your life for the other person. You need to make YOU HAPPY and not look for that to come from the other person. Of course this works if there are no little ones, but even if there are. You have something you always wanted to do? Go Skydiving, why haven’t you done it? What excuses do you make for yourself to not to? You want to feel sexy or wanted by the opposite sex, flirt. Why not, who’s getting hurt from some innocent flirting? If you decide to take it further then thats on you. But flirting can be a smile from someone making you feel good about yourself and nothing more. I’m not advocating going out and sleeping with 50 people, not taking care of the house, work etc. What I’m saying is that you need to live for yourself if your mate/spouse doesnt want to engage with you. You can’t force them. You want them to be there more then anything but if it doesnt happen, enjoy yourself.

Don’t give up on yourself and the things life and living has to offer.

FUCK THAT!!

We’re not alone

When I first set out in writing this blog it was my way of dealing with the frustration I was feeling with my wife. My feelings as if there was something wring with me. I feel that by me discussing this and the comments that I get back that in some way I’m letting others know that they aren’t alone. That other people are going through the same thing. Just knowing that doesn’t make the situation go away or get better but it does make us feel that it can’t just be all our fault. See, I’ve come to understand that the other party in the relationship places the blame or fault on us. Why? It’s hard, damn hard to look at yourself and admit that you have issues. That it’s not your husband that loves and wants to make love to you that has the issues but it’s you.

So, for those that come to my blog and feel a connection, take solace knowing that you are not alone and in most cases the problems in the relationship are not ones you can fix.

A Laundry List of Pain

My wifes list of pain and heartache,

• Depression
• Bad Self Image
• No Sex Drive
• Fibromyalgia
• Hypoglycemia
• (PTSD) Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from the molestation at the hands of her father
• (PTSD) Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from feeling that her mother did nothing to protect and prosecute the father when the mother was told
• Feelings of guilt
• Being the victim from her father, boyfriends and even me when I want sex and she just gives in.

This is just off the top of my head the stuff I deal with daily in one aspect or another. In one way or another they all feed off of each other. They all started from the molestation from her father. While some have said that I’ve decided to sentence myself to this life and looking at it they’re right. Yet, knowing where this issues come from helps me deal with it. I understand she is who she is due to the things that happened to her. I couldnt live with myself just giving up. I would truly feel horrible. After talking to a therapist he told me he was amazed. That I had a huge amount of integrity. I’ve seen a different person in my wife only a few times in the past 14 years. She is loving, caring and seems to love life. Because I know this person is in there I keep hope that someday she’ll emerge. How long am I willing to wait you ask? I dont know really. Ask me that when my kids are old enough to be on their own. My feelings might have changed by then. By then I’ll be in my mid 50′s and well might as say fuck it by then and just stay the course.

I’ll keep wanting my wife to think of sex with her husband, to want to wear stockings for me because she knows it would make me happy. I know that wont happen but I can always keep the hope. If not, then well. The internet is a wonderful thing and there are plenty of fantasies I can have.

Time Stands Still

I’m glad to see that my blog after all of this time still resonates with people. If anything they feel they aren’t alone, and your not. Thing with my wife haven’t changed. I still masturbate daily, I wont get my feelings hurt or rejected by my hand. Last Saturday I wanted to make love to my wife in the morning. I started fiddling with her, I got naked, pulled down her panties all the while she isnt saying anything. I pushed myself up against her butt, fully erect I slid myself not into her but was rubbing against her. Now as you might imagine your level of wanting sex is through the roof at this point. Your within centimeters from penetration. She very well knew what I wanted. I was then promptly shot down. Made to feel that if I continued I would be taking advantage of her almost against her will. She would give in, but I would have felt as if I had raped her. Needless to say this caused me to back off, frustrated and very pissed off. Who wouldn’t be right. What if this turned around on a woman who wanted sex. She might feel the same way. I mentioned that I was upset, she said she wasn’t feeling well. This to is a common statement, one that leads me to think that my wife has no immune system and catches everything under the sun. I expressed how she had lead me on, allowed my hope and urge to build only to smash it. That it was cruel. I was then told that she would be willing to just before she took a shower. Ok, a compromise I see. I was also suckered into doing some “acts of service” one of “her” love languages. More on that in a second. The day passes by, I do my chores. She is about to take a shower. I follow her upstairs thinking I’m going to continue where things left off. What do you think happened?……..

The 2nd of the days lets down happened. After I had done what was asked of me I was refused, yes what I feel at this point was owed to me. Sex from my wife. I know it sounds wrong but that’s how I looked at it. If I did XY and Z I would get paid. She came back with it felt like a chore for her, Uhhh I just completed a bunch of chores for her whats the difference? Needless to say there was a mini fight with me expressing my distrust, her leading me on to get what she wanted and then not paying up at the end, something she said she would do.

So, has anything happened since then. NOPE!  She said she hates her body but yet she will buy a cake and eat the entire thing in a week. I’m starting to feel that I have imposed on myself a life of sexual torment with brief moments of excitement either it be sexual or something else. We have young kids and I would be unwilling to quit while they’re at home. Ask me 15 years from now and I might have a different answer or mistress.